Olympic Poem

[haddan]

[Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u9oV1eD6Qr8][/code][/quote]

For seven years we were engaged.
Blast warnings had it questioned from the start.
It brewed in the background and we questioned it more
As girls became women; as babies were born.
Because we’ve got questions in our colourful numbers, and we’ve got cynicism.
And we’ve got more views than a panoramic Olympic Park viewing-platform
And we don’t tend to charge for them.
At such crosses, but we’ve seen eye to eye
And watched how Britain became.
No build-up would’ve had us prepared for our passion for these Games.

Whether national heroes homing first Golds
Or legends rising again, more records to grow;
Aquatic drifts; bird-in-flight hurdling:
Born to do it skins permanently surfacing;
Molten hearts pumping the colours of our nations
Showcasing countries’ curvatures and the mantles of our natures:
Shouts from outside, I’m scrambling through the choices:
‘COME ON LEWIS’—I never knew my neighbours had voices.
Fighting out the heats with lifetime bests;
Killing Kings of Grass in three straight sets.
Feel the world: get off your bike and golden kiss the girl.
To everyone spurring their life dreams long;
To everyone who bled for bronze.
Because our British voices aren’t limited.
And we hope that our bona fide cries picked your hearts up off the finishing line, wherever you’re from.
See we do capacity crowds for heats
And stir up the energy so each man has their best to defeat.
Because we will scream for effort around here.

Ah, my voice is gone.

In a nation that classes West Brom-Sunderland a Super Sunday.
The Games can only be for superlatives and history.

But my best moment, of all, was our moment: Our Olympic moment.
How we retailed our long-term employment as consumers for a sabbatical of citizenship.
And what we found in it was gold.

See world: I think you may have given us
More than we could ever have given you.
You should have seen Us this time last year;
You should have been here.
See, not everything is merry on this Isle of ours;
This isle of nightmares and dreams:
Our seams stretch, sometimes.
And our multifarious reality has us deprived of collective plurality.

But then, in stadium circles we were given space to bite:
Not only did we find our voice, miked, but our voice was alike:
And our sound shot around the rings picking up power:
Hard work, respect, don’t stop, take nothing for granted.
A two-week continuous roar we all felt, echoed and chanted.
Planted somehow as things we feel are British, but only ever see written
Across the faces of our authors as they mask sharp decisions.
But our Olympians have javelined new lines into our hearts.
Blood lines that we remember with some amnesia from a play we staged maybe far far away;
A previous life, or a dream.

But we took more too:
Better defined by our athletes, the bonds between us people thickened new.
In the observed words of high internationals & the foreign abroad faces on the land, we’ve been reminded how much merit there is in collective acceptance.
That, despite the issues and hot debates, to be living how we live,
Is something nearing great.
That, without the fire and without the conflict,
There wouldn’t be a fifth Olympic ring to uplift.
Being host to this Olympic unity, we have in some way played hosts to ourselves. And remembered how important this dirty dinner party is.

World, it’s been an honour to be your hosts this night.
What a feast we’ve made together:
This golden O
Where inside no angle can hide;
This country’s work;
This motivation;
This natural destination;
This moment.
I’m not sure we could have had anything better;
This is more than just a tournament: this is how humans come together.
Hopefully, I’ll get my voice back soon.

[Todd]

Hi haddan, Welcome to the site!

You have enough charisma on the video to pull this off. As a spoken piece it's pretty long but your delivery and the work put in on the video was enough to hold my attention throughout. Since you've created that video (and clearly it took a lot of work) I'm not sure why you've posted in serious critique. It would seem revising this piece would cause you to do a lot of reshooting. Here's the thing as a written piece, I don't think this will hold the reader's attention. There are areas where it doesn't really work as well if it's just being read. We could go over those if you like, but I'm not sure if that's worth your time given that as a visual and spoken piece it's pretty good.

Best,

Todd

[arbil_poieo]

I agree with Todd. The video was brilliant and just wow. Putting it in the serious could help with the written part and it might not be what you're looking for with the video.

[arbil_poieo]

Do you want us to critique the words? It's going to be somewhat of a difficult task because the video is amazing and it's good as it is in my opinion, but if you want help with just the words we can do that.

[Todd]

hadden, here's the thing (and others may disagree with me):

In giving a critique, I think what you've done is build something very effective in a multimedia sense. It would be less effective without the video, and less effective unspoken on the page. In a sense, the video has let you cheat. You can show images by video whereas in writing that's the job of a poem's imagery. Unspoken without your delivery this comes off way more bloated than a streamlined poem would read. I want to be clear that with all the elements you gave it was effective and good. Pulling out of that context though, I would say this. When you had the video pan away from you to an image and you think that image or some aspect of it was important to enhance what you are saying than you need to build that imagery into the poem. If you'd like me to go through and point out a line by line redundancy for you or areas that fall short if this was purely written I can, but its a long piece, a lot of effort, and I'd like to validate that that is what you truly want.

I think of this piece sort of like a song. It can be successful but when analyzed outside of its context the changes I would recommend would be pretty sweeping. The end result won't work as well in the video as what you presently have because the video would make some of the imagery irrelevant. Does that make sense? Let me know (not that I'm the end all be all of critique).

[Todd]

Okay haddan, I don't have a problem with a conversational tone in poetry. Maybe my comments can shed some light on what I think. I hope it will be helpful to you:

For seven years we were engaged.--I'm guessing your title is "That fifth ring...which is much better than Olympic poem. Question on the title first before I comment on the line. I'm not sure why fifth unless your trying to tie the event all together in the five rings. If it were the European ring to separate London out it would be the first ring (blue). If you mean it to just be the symbol maybe a retitle "five rings" It's not a huge point, but you have to start somewhere. I like the first line here a lot especially for the dual meaning of the word engaged. Your use of ring in the title gives the sense of a marriage with engaged (and it is a sort of marriage) and also an activity that the country was engaged in. This is where I would expect some enjambment running into the next line instead of full stop of the period. If it were me I'd look to move right into line 4 as it kind of ties into the other idea of being engaged. It continues to layer the image.
Blast warnings had it questioned from the start.
It brewed in the background and we questioned it moreYour current line 2 and 3 are more statements. They are not very visual and they seem a bit wordy. The blast warnings and the vague it of the lines detracts from the first engaged metaphor you set up. You probably need to see if there's a way to get the ideas across while extending the metaphor
As girls became women; as babies were born.--again love this line because it builds on the line one engaged
Because we’ve got questions in our colourful numbers, and we’ve got cynicism.--while this sounds good spoken it's really a flat statement. Is there a way you can capture this cynicism and colour with an image. You can show it with video, but as a poem here's where your imagery needs to capture this scene
And we’ve got more views than a panoramic Olympic Park viewing-platform--this line doesn't bother me as long as you build to it with the earlier line
And we don’t tend to charge for them.
At such crosses, but we’ve seen eye to eye--at such crosses feels like an unattached fragment. eye to eye is a cliche for which you should find a replacement
And watched how Britain became.--If you're going to sell became you probably need a line break after Britain to make it pop on its own line
No build-up would’ve had us prepared for our passion for these Games.--passion is flat and abstract. We need something more concrete and descriptive that shows passion. Likely what that means is you cut for these games do the strophe break on passion and change whether in the next line to "of"

Whether national heroes homing first Golds
Or legends rising again, more records to grow;--while the suggesting transition can lead into these top two lines, I would probably cut them. They are flat and not very visual. What you've done below is a better approach (see below)
Aquatic drifts; bird-in-flight hurdling:
Born to do it skins permanently surfacing;
Molten hearts pumping the colours of our nations--these last three lines are EXACTLY what I'm talking about picture moving directly from passion to "aquatic drifts..." Can you see how good that works? How much more visual it is than National heroes, first Golds, or Legends. Stick with the imagery add more if you like.
Showcasing countries’ curvatures and the mantles of our natures:--I'd be tempted to cut countries' and replace it with the. The line is more interesting that way. There's a tendency in spoken narrative to spell things out step by step. Poetry tends to skip steps
Shouts from outside, I’m scrambling through the choices:--Consider cutting I'm scrambling through the choices:
‘COME ON LEWIS’—I never knew my neighbours had voices.--good
Fighting out the heats with lifetime bests;--consider cutting flat statement
Killing Kings of Grass in three straight sets.--good visual interesting line
Feel the world: get off your bike and golden kiss the girl.--beautiful line. In my opinion, this is your last line. It ties perfectly with the consummation of engaged. This is the wedding and the kiss. It gives your poem symmetry.
To everyone spurring their life dreams long;--telly consider cutting
To everyone who bled for bronze.--again telly consider cutting
Because our British voices aren’t limited.
And we hope that our bona fide cries picked your hearts up off the finishing line, wherever you’re from.--again a declaration but still just a statement consider cutting
See we do capacity crowds for heats--consider cutting
And stir up the energy so each man has their best to defeat.--consider cutting
Because we will scream for effort around here.--you could cut around here

Ah, my voice is gone.--you could cut Ah. It has less impact unspoken. It's mostly filler

In a nation that classes West Brom-Sunderland a Super Sunday.
The Games can only be for superlatives and history.--telly exposition cut

But my best moment, of all, was our moment: Our Olympic moment.--I would cut the line to But my best moment
How we retailed our long-term employment as consumers for a sabbatical of citizenship.--find a way to condense this line. I like the sabbatical of citizenship that sounds good. Condense the first part
And what we found in it was gold.--not necessary yet hold off till the last line with the girl and the kiss. Don't give away the payoff too early

See world: I think you may have given us
More than we could ever have given you.
You should have seen Us this time last year;
You should have been here.
See, not everything is merry on this Isle of ours;
This isle of nightmares and dreams:
Our seams stretch, sometimes.
And our multifarious reality has us deprived of collective plurality.

--it will be easier here to just show you my suggested cuts (only one option and an opinion of course). Here's what I think works:

See world
not everything is merry on this Isle of ours,
of nightmares and dreams:
Our seams stretch, sometimes.

But then, in stadium circles we were given space to bite:--this is nice
Not only did we find our voice, miked, but our voice was alike:--don't think the line is necessary
And our sound shot around the rings picking up power:--I like this though I might cut picking up power and look for a substitute that carries more of a sound quality to it
Hard work, respect, don’t stop, take nothing for granted.--flat statement consider cutting
A two-week continuous roar we all felt, echoed and chanted.--I think you can cut everything after roar. You may also want to add some imagery (rivers, lions, avalanche...something that you can tie to the sound to lock it in the mind
Planted somehow as things we feel are British, but only ever see written--condense the first part to something simpler of being British, or some such]
Across the faces of our authors as they mask sharp decisions.--this feels like a cut too
But our Olympians have javelined new lines into our hearts.--I think this is a cut too
Blood lines that we remember with some amnesia from a play we staged maybe far far away;--this seems to tie with the idea of being British. This entire line is very cool, very well done. I love it actually
A previous life, or a dream.--I think this addition actually weakens the previous great line with its redundancy--consider cutting it

But we took more too:
Better defined by our athletes, the bonds between us people thickened new.
In the observed words of high internationals & the foreign abroad faces on the land, we’ve been reminded how much merit there is in collective acceptance.
That, despite the issues and hot debates, to be living how we live,
Is something nearing great.--This feels telly. I would personally cut all of the lines in this strophe up to this point
That, without the fire and without the conflict,--maybe shorten to just without the fire
There wouldn’t be a fifth Olympic ring to uplift.--I'm sure I'm missing something obvious on what the fifth means
Being host to this Olympic unity, we have in some way played hosts to ourselves. And remembered how important this dirty dinner party is.--condense "we have played hosts to ourselves at this dirty dinner party"

World, it’s been an honour to be your hosts this night.--consider cutting
What a feast we’ve made together:
This golden O
Where inside no angle can hide;--I like these last three lines I would cut everything after this and look to reinsert the girl, bike and gold at the end
This country’s work;
This motivation;
This natural destination;
This moment.
I’m not sure we could have had anything better;
This is more than just a tournament: this is how humans come together.
Hopefully, I’ll get my voice back soon.

I know that was a lot. Text can feel very abrupt. I was mostly going line by line there may be some transitions that are two choppy with the cuts so obviously those would need to be smoothed out. I loved the video, and did my best to ignore it and give you feedback as I see it. I again hope it was helpful.

Best,

Todd

[billy]

hi haddan, one of my problems is this, if you can't change it (because of the vid) what's the point in us giving our time on such a large piece? for future reference, you can posts videoed stuff in the miscellaneous forum.
i agree a lot with todd's feedback but my main nit is this, on paper it's more story-like than poem-like. the vocalisation you do of it is good but as a standalone piece it feels very prose. while it does have some poetic devices they don't stand out enough in text. the passion feels as though it should be obvious but it isn't. the last half dozen lines feel stilted and the last line forced. there are some good lines in in the thing but they feel buried to deep to shine, or pull us into the page.

thanks for the read.

[billy]

i'm from the uk, and i saw the opening ceremony
i felt that the following encapsulated most of what the poem was.

in stadium circles we were given space to bite:
Not only did we find our voice, miked, but our voice was alike:
And our sound shot around the rings picking up power:
Hard work, respect, don’t stop, take nothing for granted.
A two-week continuous roar we all felt, echoed and chanted.
Planted somehow as things we feel are British, but only ever see written
Across the faces of our authors as they mask sharp decisions.
But our Olympians have javelined new lines into our hearts.
Blood lines that we remember with some amnesia from a play we staged maybe far far away;
A previous life, or a dream.

beside the above and a few other good lines (probably another stanza worth. ) lot's of it was overstating, not letting the reader do his part. it felt too we are great it felt like it was telling us how great we are and thats seldom a good thing to do. still a good effort nonetheless.

[Todd]

Thanks guys, some really interesting words here.

No, I can't change the video a lot, but I can change the words.

That Fifth Ring is a reference to the Olympics opening ceremony, which won Danny Boyle the Beyond Theatre prize at the Evening Standard awards. You may not have watched it. During a moment of extreme chaos, confusion and conflict, as the industrial revolution is being played out, a ring is being forged from molten metal. The WindRush vessel powers onto the stage. The ring is then solidified, lifted and united with the other four. The union, our country’s diversity, is only possible through sustained and continuous strain. It wasn't a colour thing.

There are also loads of ideas which are, I suppose, only appreciated by Britons - 'blast warnings (7/7 bombings)' 'this time last year (the riots)' and, of course, the fact that you weren't there in London for that moment. The shared moment provides a space for the writer and the reader to engage. Not being there, I'm asking you to feel, refeel, reflect on something you never did feel. Not feeling the poem/ interacting with the country's memory I think will elicit a more technical response.

And yes I suppose if I was writing it to be read I wouldn't have written it as I have, to be heard, when people only have one shot at understanding your thread.

Fantastic to see your analysis though, especially from non-Britons. It's amazing how feelings don't carry! My post on the poetryforum.co.uk received quite a different response. Though perhaps if I was an American poet discussing Atlanta they wouldn't have been able to rengage with the feeling.

Thanks a lot

Oh, I remember the fifth ring thing now. Thanks for the clarification. I'm not sure If you could write an American poem that discussed Atlanta, Salt Lake City, or any other venue that would have the impact you have on the video at this point people's memories are short. I think your poem would have a hard time reengaging in the UK in another decade. The poem would than have to shift to specific events (an athlete, an event, etc) to have impact. It is possible that non-Britons are not really your audience, but I know many UK poets that would probably get the references but still want cuts if they were to view this as non-spoken word. There are more poets from that part of the world on here maybe they'll weigh in with their opinions and we'll see what they think. I could be off.

Either way good discussion.