The world is flat

[Philatone]

V. 3

Sibel thumbs islands on a keypad
beneath the tablecloth,

lifting her head at uncle's order,
bottled messages in hand.

Nearby spoons scratch soup bowls,
and her eyes fall on ladders of steam,

climbing into the bulbs
of a chandelier

until frail rungs crumble
into air, chasing after

her words set to sail
off an edge of earth.




V. 2

S.OS.

Sibel thumbs islands on a keypad
beneath the table,

lifting her head at uncle's order,
bottled messages in hand.

Spoons scratch soup bowls,
and her eyes fall on ladders of steam,

climbing into the bulbs
of a chandelier

until frail steps crumble
into air, chasing her words

before they sail off
an edge of earth.





V.1 Texting

A niece thumbs islands on a keypad
beneath the tablecloth,

lifting her head at uncle's order.
She bottles another message

while the room busies itself,
spoons scratching soup bowls,

and eyes fall on ladders of steam.
Climbing into the bulbs

of a chandelier, frail steps
crumble into air, chasing words

she heard sail off
an edge of earth.

[Todd]

Hi Geoff,

There's a lot I like with this one. You have the perfect mix of concise style and strong imagery that I just love. Here are some comments for you:

First off I'm torn on the title. It does bring clarity, and that's good, but I keep wanting something more evocative like Castaway or some such. It's not a deal killer just a preference on my part.

A niece thumbs islands on a keypad--is the niece and uncle thing necessary? I almost would prefer she here. What does the familial relationship add? I like the thumbing islands for both the motion and her isolation. She is in a sense far away on an island. Back to the title is this enough for clarity. I think so, but I'm not sure.
beneath the tablecloth,

lifting her head at uncle's order.
She bottles another message--love that you've extended the image here. It lends resonance

while the room busies itself,--don't think you need this line. You could cut and change scratching to scratch in the next line and you lose nothing
spoons scratching soup bowls,--this is where the poem takes off for me. I like the introduction of sound here also

and eyes fall on ladders of steam.
Climbing into the bulbs

of a chandelier, frail steps
crumble into air, chasing words--these four lines...umm...fantastic visual images. I like the transience of it, and how it sort of gives an image of how the niece is somewhere else. The chasing words part is great as it shows the distance between the actual people in the room so well.

she heard sail off
an edge of earth.--killer ending

Great read Geoff. I hope some of this will be helpful to you.

Best,

Todd

[penguin]

Hello Philatone. Enjoyed it, the islands and bottles are a nice idea.

and eyes fall on ladders of steam.
Climbing into the bulbs

the full stop is almost perverse. To me it so obviously shouldn't be there that I have to wonder why it is.Should be after chandelier, perhaps.

I'd prefer some mystery at the end and rather than she heard the words maybe she wonders if they've fallen off the edge... summat like that.

[Philatone]

ray, todd

thanks for the feedback; i've certainly tried to keep what you both have said in mind for the edit!

[TwistedAngel]

i like V.2 a lot but prefered the word 'tablecloth' used in V.1 it gives a clear image of where you are..it could be any table otherwise, an from the first read i kinda had to scramble for another image in me head as "Spoons scratch soup bowls,"

cant say i like the title much S.O.S is a call for help..an Texting a bit to obvious..maybe shes textin a mate asking her to get away from a borin family meal

enjoyed this a lot an i can see many a kid doing this round millions of xmas dinner tables very soon

[billy]

V. 2

S.OS. s. o. s.

Sibel thumbs islands on a keypad
beneath the table,

lifting her head at uncle's order,
bottled messages in hand.

Spoons scratch soup bowls,
and her eyes fall on ladders of steam, this and the next couplet holds a great image

climbing into the bulbs
of a chandelier

until frail steps crumble would rungs be better than steps.
into air, chasing her words

before they sail off
an edge of earth.

not sure the last couplet works as well as it should, other than that just an odd nit. while i get a hint of titanic it feels a bit too generic. i'd like to see some real fear etc.

thanks for the read.

[heslopian]

The poem (version 2) feels very abstract and symbolic. I got the impression of a child playing with an iPad in a fancy restaurant while her rich, old-fashioned uncle grows more and more annoyed. I could be a million miles off base, of course. Either way, there's a nice rhythm here and some neat, effective imagery. Thanks for the read

[Philatone]

twisted-
agreed with much of what you said and tried to act accordingly. thanks for the time

billy-
rungs is genius on so many levels. i'm not sure if i want fear, but i can't rule it out i suppose. thanks for the feedback; hope the ending adds just a bit of oomph

jack
thanks for the words man; much appreciated!

[billy]

V. 3

Sibel thumbs islands on a keypad
beneath the tablecloth,

lifting her head at uncle's order,
bottled messages in hand.

Nearby spoons scratch soup bowls,
and her eyes fall on ladders of steam,

climbing into the bulbs
of a chandelier

until frail rungs crumble
into air, chasing after

her words set to sail
off an edge of earth.

just one really minor nit you have into twice within the space of 3 lines. i'm sure an 'on' or and 'in' could be used instead of one of them.

other than that it reads a lot better. the last line ties into the title and acts as a much clearer hook

good edit.