Status Quo

[Meilhac]

New version

I don’t know what
I’m doing here, anyhow.
90% of my DNA
matches a garden slug’s.
I have found my niche
somewhere between
a rat and an angel

I can confirm
I look better in the light,
Although the darkness
hides the cockroaches in my corner.
I’m that thin outer skin of society,
which wears sneakers and suits.

The sun still sets,
The river still flows,
Apple still invents,
And banks still invest,
But I will always remain unresolved.




ORIGINAL:

I don’t know what
I’m doing here, anyhow.
90% of my DNA
matches a garden slug’s.
I have found my niche
somewhere between
a rat and an angel

I can confirm
I look better in the light,
Although the darkness
hides my dark side.
I’m that thin outer skin of society,
which wears sneakers and suits.

The sun still sets,
And the river still flows,
Apple still invents,
And the banks still invests,
But I still remain unresolved.

[Todd]

Hi Meilhac,

I think I've enjoyed this one of yours the most so far. Here are some comments for you:


Let's start with something big. I'm going to point out a belief and bias I have regarding the poetic line. I used to write mine by a sort of instinct like playing piano by ear. It took me a number of years to realize that each line had to carry its own weight. I read your work and I may be way off. I mean no offense, but I think you may want to consider that your next area of focus when you do your first rewrite--maybe even before you first initially post.

Status Quo

I don’t know what--also first lines need to be strong to pull someone in. This really is a flat opening. I honestly think you could cut this line and the next one
I’m doing here, anyhow.
90% of my DNA--here's where the poem gets fun. For me this is your first line. I think this short line works with this break because it suggests a mystery that takes us to the next line. That said, you could also pull up the next line and end line one on slug's
matches a garden slug’s.[/b]--love this content]
I have found my niche
somewhere between
a rat and an angel[/b]--the rest of this holds together well.[/b]

I can confirm--again I don't think this adds much just lead with the assertion on the next line. The assertion comes across as fact when we here the I can confirm our minds look to judge the statement
I look better in the light,--this sets up a nice sequence
Although the darkness--line break consideration pull hides up and see what that does. The idea of darkness hiding is interesting.
hides my dark side.--I don't hate the cliche, but it's long been stripped of its power. You start with a garden slug why not "the cockroaches in my corners" I don't know something more visual.
I’m that thin outer skin of society,
which wears sneakers and suits.--maybe with its instead of and.

The sun still sets,
And the river still flows,--you could cut and
Apple still invents,
And the banks still invests,--you could cut and the. Invest not invests
But I still remain unresolved.--I'd like some stronger revelation here

Okay a lot there, but I reemphasize how much I like the poem. I think it's some polishing away from being really good.

Best,

Todd

[Meilhac]

Thank you so much for your feedback! I agree with most it - sometimes it just helps to get a second opinion.

I'm from Denmark btw. so there'll be some language mistakes here and there, thanks for poiting them out tho'!

[Todd]

Actually, I didn't really see any overt language mistakes. You have a great command of English if it's a second language and you produce something as nuanced as poetry. I wouldn't have guessed if you'd said nothing.

[penguin]

I like the 2nd verse, especially the last 2 lines. The first verse is mostly just uninteresting, ok it sets up the 2nd.What's unresolved when you've found your niche?

[heslopian]

New version

I don’t know what
I’m doing here, anyhow.
90% of my DNA
matches a garden slug’s.
I have found my niche
somewhere between
a rat and an angel My favourite line. The whole first verse is perfect and bitterly symbolic.

I can confirm
I look better in the light,
Although the darkness
hides the cockroaches in my corner.
I’m that thin outer skin of society,
which wears sneakers and suits. This last couplet feels too obvious.

The sun still sets,
The river still flows,
Apple still invents,
And banks still invest, This line feels too much as well.
But I will always remain unresolved.

A few lines which I've mentioned are too tell and not show, but otherwise this is a very concise and well-arranged poem about conformity and isolation. The slug comparison was strange, dark and excellent. All my critique is, of course, JMHO (Just My Humble Opinion), and thanks very much for the read