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A trickle of juice sets the mind loose
Volume switch, room enriched
Hydro-jet, towel pet
Mirror stare, body bare
Foam cake, blade scrape
Muscle flex, face stretch
Trickles of juices set the mind looses
Perfumes applied, heavy side
Mirror glare, oh yeh
Track change, go insane
Hairbrush-hand, mic stand
Disco dance, pants prance
Truckles of sluice sets the blind Mousse
Doorbell, bloody hell
Outside, into ride
Face cut, tissue stuck
Shirt on, button gone
Arrive club, pavement stood
Wing-Mirror Pout, ladies look out
I really enjoyed this. It's frenzied and really captures the deterioration into drunkenness that I am quite familiar with!
The rhymes aren't forced yet they suit the rhythm, and it matches the subject perfectly.
I've only really got a couple of nit picks, mostly to do with the punctuation. Although I see why you do it, I don't think it's necessary to have a comma between 'juice' and 'sets', there's a pause there that doesn't work. Same with the second stanza 'juices' would work just as well as 'juice's' -- I'm not 100% sure why you've capitalised it, either. For me it's kind of like a mantra, said in the mind, and when that punctuation is there it disrupts the flow.
Other than that, it's really effective and I enjoyed it!
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(10-11-2012, 06:21 AM)Lottie90 Wrote: I really enjoyed this. It's frenzied and really captures the deterioration into drunkenness that I am quite familiar with!
The rhymes aren't forced yet they suit the rhythm, and it matches the subject perfectly.
I've only really got a couple of nit picks, mostly to do with the punctuation. Although I see why you do it, I don't think it's necessary to have a comma between 'juice' and 'sets', there's a pause there that doesn't work. Same with the second stanza 'juices' would work just as well as 'juice's' -- I'm not 100% sure why you've capitalised it, either. For me it's kind of like a mantra, said in the mind, and when that punctuation is there it disrupts the flow.
Other than that, it's really effective and I enjoyed it!
Thanks Lottie all comments appreciated, punctuation and I still have a lot to work out. I also find capitals have a mind of their own 
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(10-11-2012, 05:31 AM)TimeOnMyHands Wrote: A trickle of juice, sets the mind loose
Volume switch, room enriched
Hydro-jet, towel pet
Mirror stare, body bare
Foam cake, blade scrape
Muscle flex, face stretch
Trickles of Juice’s set the mind looses would 'loose' be better?
Potions applied, heavy side
Mirror glare, oh yeh
Track change, go insane
Hairbrush-hand, mic stand
Disco dance, pants prance this verse really does capture the mentality of young male clubbers
Truckles of sluice, sets the blind Moose this line feels a bit forced, did you mean mousse?
Doorbell, bloody hell
Outside, into ride
Face cut, tissue stuck
Shirt on, button gone
Arrive club, pavement stood
Wing-Mirror Pout, ladies look out some grammar nits but
a thoroughly enjoyable write. i've not only acted this way, i've seen my adopted sons do it many many times a good fun poem.
thanks for the read.
i love this one. the arrangement even puts you in the drunk mood. good job!
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Real entertaining piece ("truckles of sluice"... LOL). You did well counterpointing the rise in bravado with the fall of coherence. I only have a few nits, one being the word choice of "potion" in stanza two, which doesn't seem to fit the language you used for the rest of the poem (unless "Potions" is a brand of something i don't know about  ).
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
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Thanks all for your comments, I will have a tidy up. Addy not sure why I used "potions" should be perfumes
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