Change

[umbleets]

Dirty and disheveled

No shoes on his feet

Tired and famished

No food to eat

His pockets empty

His last penny spent

All that remains

A hole and some lint

All he owns in a basket

A box for a bed

A story written in a notebook

This is what it read:

"I was sixteen when I left

Nearly twenty two when I returned

My left arm completely gone

My right severely burned

I wasn't just a boy

I was so much more

I was a soldier

An asset to a war

I gave my all

Barely came out alive[/font]

I survived the struggle

Now I struggle to survive

I was dealt a bad hand

The system had four aces

I went all in

And came out among the faceless faces"

As I finished reading

I thought it somewhat strange

For all that I owe this man

Why does he only ask for change?

[billy]

Hi umbleets

for the 1st third of the poem i was somewhere else with a down and out.
why was you reading his book? it didn't feel fresh because of the clichés that
ran through the poem. use some solid images,

no shoes on his feet
tired and famish.

did he have black bit's of stinky skin between his toes that shone with wetness?
were the whites of his eyes the yellow colour of of old ivory?

try and show us the story?

thanks for the read

[addy]

Welcome umbleets

I thought the piece had some shining moments... the ending was particularly touching and poignant. There's a good story here. Billy is correct that in certain spots, you have to try and be more descriptive in order to escape cliche ("I wasn't just a boy // i was so much more"... it doesn't tell us a lot, and it doesn't hit the reader hard enough) I think you could perhaps try and stick to a consistent meter (it reads as a structured poem with a bit of internal rhyme, but its not all there). Needs a bit of polish, but as I said its a good story to tell. Thank you for sharing

[Philatone]

hey umbleets!
some thoughts for you to think about

Dirty and disheveled

No shoes on his feet

Tired and famished

No food to eat

His pockets empty

His last penny spent

All that remains

A hole and some lint

All he owns in a basket

A box for a bed

A story written in a notebook ...until this line, everything feels read from a list. the description is fine, but it feels mostly superficial. what's going on beneath this? where am I being taken? what am I supposed to feel?

This is what it read:...a bit direct as a line. it could be cut without hurting the poem

"I was sixteen when I left

Nearly twenty two when I returned

My left arm completely gone

My right severely burned...by guiding the reader directly to those potentially strong images, the impact of the words is lost. Rather than stating an arm is gone and the other is burned, a description that leaves the reader to interpret what has happened would be more rewarding

I wasn't just a boy

I was so much more

I was a soldier

An asset to a war...i would drop the 'a'

I gave my all...what does this mean to you? explain

Barely came out alive[/font]

I survived the struggle

Now I struggle to survive

I was dealt a bad hand

The system had four aces

I went all in

And came out among the faceless faces"

As I finished reading

I thought it somewhat strange

For all that I owe this man

Why does he only ask for change?..i like the ending idea

one thing holding back the rhymes is the lack of meter. Meter is a structure that a poem can use to make it feel more organized. It controls line length and can strengthen the impact of words. On the site, there have been several explanations of it; if you have specific questions on it or want to know where to start, feel free to message another moderator or myself or search the forums themselves. If you can apply it to the poem, I think you will get a stronger, and even more insightful, piece.

[Alden]

In a confessional poem such as this, it's difficult to keep a reign on your meter, but if you're going to bother with it, you have to stick with it. You get a good head of steam at the beginning, but it falls apart at the reading of the letter. If you don't like the meter you can consciously change it at that point to mark a contrast and it wouldn't be jarring.

Take the other's notes about cliches, because they turn affecting subjects into eye-rollers in an instant. Every poet has had to take this note and internalize it. If you turn out a phrase that has been thrown around until it has no meaning left, then it will not enhance your poem.

[just mercedes]

Dirty and disheveled

No shoes (on his feet) where else would he have them?

Tired and famished

No food to eat that's what 'famished' means

His pockets empty

His last penny spent already said in the previous line

All that remains

A hole and some lint so the pockets aren't empty?

All he owns in a basket

A box for a bed except for the box?

A story written in a notebook clunky - try 'a notebook story'

This is what it read: clunky - how did you come to read it? not the sort of thing that happens much, with homeless beggars

"I was sixteen when I left

(Nearly) twenty two when I returned

My left arm completely gone

My right severely burned

I wasn't just a boy

I was so much more

I was a soldier

An asset to (a) war

I gave my all

Barely came out alive[/font]so - not quite all?

I survived the struggle

Now I struggle to survive good inversion there

I was dealt a bad hand cliche

The system had four aces cliche

I went all in

And came out among the faceless faces" clunky

As I finished reading

I thought it (somewhat) strange

For all (that) I owe this man

Why does he only ask for change? do you mean ask only?

Your poem takes a sympathetic look at a homeless man - but it's too abstract for me - where is his bad breath, dirty fingernails? This encounter doesn't feel 'real' to me.

I think a lot has to do with the way you present the idea.

You spend a lot of time in the poem 'telling' the reader rather than 'showing' them. A description of breath, hair, teeth, flapping sleeve smell etc as seen and experienced by the narrator, would show your reader all they need to know about the man. It would also enliven your poem, which otherwise becomes a bit of a list of statements rather than a
poem.

Rhyme or not, strict meter or not - make up your mind and stick to it.