And you are? :

[billy]

I've lost my younger self along the way.
The eyesight's gone, but when I do not know
and where it went I couldn't rightly say.

What hair I had has upped and gone astray
but not the short and curlies down below
I've lost my younger self along the way,

my shrivelled penis doesn't swing or sway,
it disappeared and can no longer crow
and where it went I couldn't rightly say.

As problems shrink in size i have to weigh
forgetfulness, my memories run slow.
I've lost my younger self along the way.

I used to fantasise; a blonde buffet--
the joy of sex departed long ago,
and where it went I couldn't rightly say.

The girls, the games, and how we played each day
at kick-the-can or ringolevio.
I've lost my younger self along the way,
and where it went I couldn't rightly say.

---

i counted memories as mem-o-ries

[Leanne]

Great choice of refrains, billy (it's especially effective in S5). I'm actually amazed that you didn't use "grey" once; there are some very creative rhymes.

But of course, the image that will stay with me is the shrivelled penis. Thanks so much for that.

[billy]

thanks leanne, i thought i'd have probs with the memories as it spoken with two syls in places.
and it's weird, i was originally going to make the astray line a grey rhyme but it felt a bit obvious so i altered i at the last minute once again thanks for the feedback and kind words.

[Leanne]

I say "mem-o-ries", so it's no problem for those of us who enunciate properly :p

[tectak]

I've lost my younger self along the way.
The eyesight's gone, but when I do not know
and where it went I couldn't rightly say.

What hair I had has upped and gone astray
but not the short and curlies down below
I've lost my younger self along the way,

my shrivelled penis doesn't swing or sway,
it disappeared and can no longer crow
and where it went I couldn't rightly say.
2
As problems shrink in size i have to weigh
forgetfulness, my memories run slow.
I've lost my younger self along the way.

I used to fantasise; a blonde buffet--
the joy of sex departed long ago,
and where it went I couldn't rightly say.

The girls, the games, and how we played each day
at kick-the-can or ringolevio.
I've lost my younger self along the way,
and where it went I couldn't rightly say.

---

i counted memories as mem-o-ries

This is haunting, billy. You may need to be of an age to be capable of a)the insight and b) the candidity...if that is a word.
There is an uncontrived looseness of form, repetition and honesty which is disarmingly personal.....a little uncomfortable, too. As a piece of poetry it suffers from its attributes because the refrains (which by definition must repeat) become a little too prolific in their cyclical appearance in three line stanzas. I am NOT suggesting a rewrite into a longer verse form but cannot help thinking that "I've lost my younger self along the way and where it went I could not rightly say" would make a very suitable intro for an age deprecatory piece with the same closing couplet. The poignancy which is in the piece as is, is diminished by the over repetition of the refrain. Just a thought....I don't have many.
Best
tectak

[billy]

thanks for the feedback ray.
and yes, i can see where you're coming from. it is one of the drawbacks with the form.
i like the suggestion of a different style of poem using the refrains as a start and end point
for a new poem

[addy]

Lines about shriveled penises aside , that first stanza has got to be one of the strongest I've read... could've been lifted from any classic piece, that's how good it is. It provides a good core for the rest of the poem to weave itself through, a faint echo remaining even as phrases get much more lighthearted. No issues with the form either, so I think you've got a winner here

[billy]

thanks for the feedback ray.
and yes, i can see where you're coming from. it is one of the drawbacks with the form.
i like the suggestion of a different style of poem using the refrains as a start and end point
for a new poem

i know i know, it;s tom
leanne just gave me the heads up
sorry tom, for some reason i just remembered you as a ray

[Leanne]

Must be your slow-running memory, old chap :p

[billy]

too busy looking for me penis

---

Lines about shriveled penises aside , that first stanza has got to be one of the strongest I've read... could've been lifted from any classic piece, that's how good it is. It provides a good core for the rest of the poem to weave itself through, a faint echo remaining even as phrases get much more lighthearted. No issues with the form either, so I think you've got a winner here

i'm pretty much blown away with your feedback addy, thanks, it's rare that i don't have to do big rewrites xx

[tectak]

thanks for the feedback ray.
and yes, i can see where you're coming from. it is one of the drawbacks with the form.
i like the suggestion of a different style of poem using the refrains as a start and end point
for a new poem

i know i know, it;s tom
leanne just gave me the heads up
sorry tom, for some reason i just remembered you as a ray

I suppose you expect forgiveness? Well forget it.....it's better if you owe me one.

[billy]

I never pay my debts