Neutrino Man ( a resubmission)

[tectak]

edit 4

Like quantum time, I find that I exist ethereally.
My motions, though Newtonian, are steps I take most serially.
Gravity, that occult force, which shall not ever be defined
is constant in my universe and by its cage I am confined,
and by its nature I am blind,
and by its laws constrained.

If from that cold yet black-hot seed, from whence all things sprang forth and far,
was I born there, in matter new, to be full formed, a mortal star?
Then time and light and space took hold, perversely making laws obscure.
Esoteric truths were plucked from randomness, all strangely sure
that for eternity endure
until no longer true.

A fleeting thought, anthropic yet, cannot outpace the light I see.
But for one tick of quantum time, that which will be, will surely be;
and that which, though with faith and hope, will not transpire if destined no.
For nought can change the way things are, and none are wise enough to know
A second hence in time’s sure flow
Until forever dead.

Tectak
2011

[billy]

edit 4

Like quantum time, I find that I exist etherealy.
My motions, though Newtonian, are steps I take most serially. these 1st two end rhymes set me a problem linguistically
Gravity, that occult force, which shall not ever be defined
is constant in my universe and by its cage I am confined,
and by its nature I am blind,
and by its laws constrained.

If from that cold yet black-hot seed, from whence all things sprang forth and far, some nice effin f's
was I born there, in matter new, to be full formed, a mortal star? is this a statement or a question?
Then time and light and space took hold, perversely making laws obscure.
Esoteric truths were plucked from randomness, all strangely sure
that for eternity endure
until no longer true.

A fleeting thought, anthropic yet, cannot outpace the light I see.
But for one tick of quantum time, that which will be, will surely be;
and that which, though with faith and hope, will not transpire if destined no.
For nought can change the way things are, and none are wise enough to know
A second hence in time’s sure flow
Until forever dead.

Tectak
2011

possibly a little wordy in the 1st verse, but that's your style and i've come, in some respect to like or endure it i didn't mention all the lines i enjoyed because there were many. but i'd love to have the other versions on the same page so as to not make an idiot of my self by saying the opposite of what i said those last times .

i think your longer line length is growing on me, a problem i have though is that the longer the line the less likely i am of spotting lumps in the meter. but isn't that a good thing you'll say and i have to answer yes.

i like how science was woven with fate and failure. though will we, forever be dead? a line i thought ended the poem well,

thanks for the read

[braggman]

Neutrino Man There are hints of classic comic heros or antiheros in the name, though he would be a weakly-interacting neutral hero.

Like quantum time, I find that I exist etherealy.
My motions, though Newtonian, are steps I take most serially. I agree that you should either rhyme or not or we must rescan the whole looking for the scheme that we had missed.
Gravity, that occult force, which shall not ever be defined Like the occult analogy
is constant in my universe and by its cage I am confined,
and by its nature I am blind,
and by its laws constrained. I like the meter here, but I could also scan it wanting the same number of feet as the above line. An extra word like "remain constrained" might satisfy.

If from that cold yet black-hot seed, from whence all things sprang forth and far,
was I born there, in matter new, to be full formed, a mortal star? "matter new" takes a more archaic tone than the rest. You repeat it below in "anthropoic yet" Unless a fixed meter or rhyme is forcing it, I would avoid reversals like that (were it me writing.)
Then time and light and space took hold, perversely making laws obscure.
Esoteric truths were plucked from randomness, all strangely sure
that for eternity endure
until no longer true. Liking these last three lines and the quantum time makes more sense.

A fleeting thought, anthropic yet, cannot outpace the light I see. Here I am confused because I wonder what the fleeting tought is and don't have the information I would like to get an answer.
But for one tick of quantum time, that which will be, will surely be;
and that which, though with faith and hope, will not transpire if destined no.
For nought can change the way things are, and none are wise enough to know
A second hence in time’s sure flow
Until forever dead.

I come at this late, and figure it best to judge from the present state and not go searching the older versions. It has obviously been combed through quite thoroughly. The words are well chosen, the fat has been trimmed. For a science based poem the fact that it borders on clinical is no fault. It does seem cryptic however. I get the general idea, but in places the meaning is buried in the strong artifice of the sentences. It pleases me, but doesn't move me to any great degree. That's not necessarily bad since it is probably not what you were aiming for.

[penguin]

I wonder if you need lines 5 and 6 in each verse. They seem to do more harm than good and apart from the middle verse lopping them off would make no difference - or so it seems to me.They seem to only reiterate what's been said.
Nice opening 2 lines, though it's "ethereally". The language you use is a bit Newtonian yet you say you're only 63!

If from that cold yet black-hot seed, from whence all things sprang forth and far,
was I born there, in matter new, to be full formed, a mortal star?

Needs sorting out as it's neither question or statement at present.

Esoteric truths were plucked from randomness, all strangely sure - this line is slightly out of sync with preceding 3.

A fleeting thought, anthropic yet, cannot outpace the light I see. - I don't understand this line - but I'm no scientist.

[tectak]

edit 4

Like quantum time, I find that I exist etherealy.
My motions, though Newtonian, are steps I take most serially. these 1st two end rhymes set me a problem linguistically
Gravity, that occult force, which shall not ever be defined
is constant in my universe and by its cage I am confined,
and by its nature I am blind,
and by its laws constrained.

If from that cold yet black-hot seed, from whence all things sprang forth and far, some nice effin f's
was I born there, in matter new, to be full formed, a mortal star? is this a statement or a question?
Then time and light and space took hold, perversely making laws obscure.
Esoteric truths were plucked from randomness, all strangely sure
that for eternity endure
until no longer true.

A fleeting thought, anthropic yet, cannot outpace the light I see.
But for one tick of quantum time, that which will be, will surely be;
and that which, though with faith and hope, will not transpire if destined no.
For nought can change the way things are, and none are wise enough to know
A second hence in time’s sure flow
Until forever dead.

Tectak
2011

possibly a little wordy in the 1st verse, but that's your style and i've come, in some respect to like or endure it i didn't mention all the lines i enjoyed because there were many. but i'd love to have the other versions on the same page so as to not make an idiot of my self by saying the opposite of what i said those last times .

i think your longer line length is growing on me, a problem i have though is that the longer the line the less likely i am of spotting lumps in the meter. but isn't that a good thing you'll say and i have to answer yes.

i like how science was woven with fate and failure. though will we, forever be dead? a line i thought ended the poem well,

thanks for the read

Thanks for the good bite, billy. You were right.....two "ll's in ethereally!
Will we be for ever dead.....another question which would only ever have an answer involving the anthropic principle!

---

Neutrino Man There are hints of classic comic heros or antiheros in the name, though he would be a weakly-interacting neutral hero.

Like quantum time, I find that I exist etherealy.
My motions, though Newtonian, are steps I take most serially. I agree that you should either rhyme or not or we must rescan the whole looking for the scheme that we had missed.
Gravity, that occult force, which shall not ever be defined Like the occult analogy
is constant in my universe and by its cage I am confined,
and by its nature I am blind,
and by its laws constrained. I like the meter here, but I could also scan it wanting the same number of feet as the above line. An extra word like "remain constrained" might satisfy.

If from that cold yet black-hot seed, from whence all things sprang forth and far,
was I born there, in matter new, to be full formed, a mortal star? "matter new" takes a more archaic tone than the rest. You repeat it below in "anthropoic yet" Unless a fixed meter or rhyme is forcing it, I would avoid reversals like that (were it me writing.)
Then time and light and space took hold, perversely making laws obscure.
Esoteric truths were plucked from randomness, all strangely sure
that for eternity endure
until no longer true. Liking these last three lines and the quantum time makes more sense.

A fleeting thought, anthropic yet, cannot outpace the light I see. Here I am confused because I wonder what the fleeting tought is and don't have the information I would like to get an answer.
But for one tick of quantum time, that which will be, will surely be;
and that which, though with faith and hope, will not transpire if destined no.
For nought can change the way things are, and none are wise enough to know
A second hence in time’s sure flow
Until forever dead.

I come at this late, and figure it best to judge from the present state and not go searching the older versions. It has obviously been combed through quite thoroughly. The words are well chosen, the fat has been trimmed. For a science based poem the fact that it borders on clinical is no fault. It does seem cryptic however. I get the general idea, but in places the meaning is buried in the strong artifice of the sentences. It pleases me, but doesn't move me to any great degree. That's not necessarily bad since it is probably not what you were aiming for.

No, much of what you say is valid in the round. The comic book connection is to indicate that though I am generally convinced by science it is without doubt going through a comic book phase....certainly in theoretical physics.
I rarely find it difficult to write rhyming verse.....and I know how that sounds....but it is because I often "think" in rhyme (if only to irritate those around me) and then have to have a very good reason for NOT rhyming the odd line or two in a piece. Not a great reason for the last two lines of each stanza but I just figured it lightened up the whole thing. Again, in the round, you comment is valid.
Reversals are my poison and my meat. ANY reversed syntax is the easy way out. Why make life difficult? But no....I don't mean that. It is a bad habit and is laziness on my part.
A fleeting thought IS the fleeting thought. Maybe I should have said "The fleeting thought..." on reflection!
Yes. I will change it to THE fleeting thought. Thanks a bundle.
Best,
tectak

---

I wonder if you need lines 5 and 6 in each verse. They seem to do more harm than good and apart from the middle verse lopping them off would make no difference - or so it seems to me.They seem to only reiterate what's been said.
Nice opening 2 lines, though it's "ethereally". The language you use is a bit Newtonian yet you say you're only 63!

If from that cold yet black-hot seed, from whence all things sprang forth and far,
was I born there, in matter new, to be full formed, a mortal star?

Needs sorting out as it's neither question or statement at present.

Esoteric truths were plucked from randomness, all strangely sure - this line is slightly out of sync with preceding 3.

A fleeting thought, anthropic yet, cannot outpace the light I see. - I don't understand this line - but I'm no scientist.

Hi penguin,
Thanks for this. I got ethereally corrected in time I hope! I explained elsewhere that the last two lines were a relief-lane for my out of control poetic vehicle but I do remember when writing this that I read it almost like a mathematical proof in that the last two lines were almost the answer to a stated logical arguement. Sorry, this is rambling a little but I was brought up on Boolean algebra and I think it gets in now and then.
For example, the line:
If from that cold yet black-hot seed, from whence all things sprang forth and far, was I born there, in matter new, to be full formed, a mortal star?
...would be an "IF THEN" booloean STATEMENT but for that little change brought about by WAS, which makes it a question, albeit rhetorical or circumspect. That make sense?
Yes, the "strangely sure" line is poor. Came to me with the Dr. Strangely Strange "Strangely Strange But Oddly Normal" compilation popular at the time of writing but obviously born out of the then contemporaneos strangeness and charm attiributes of the ridiculous quark. Must do better.
Best,
tectak