I -V

[Ruth]

I
3am

there is someone
in here
dying
it's 3am, and I
need to hear
sunlight
you, hours wealthier,
step off into
your life
the blackness between
your words
will not hold time
curled
within it - I
listen for breathing.


II
continuum

inside
I waited for rules
to change
-time is dripping somewhere in a cave-
(Do Not drink the
black drops)
love?
you were in love with it
(it tasted of quinine
dipped in too much sugar)


III
space

a heart holds
enough blood to
flow
evenly across
a kitchen table
before turning
black
(you never wrote this down)
in the space beside speech
you can
hold smooth
cold stones
collected, I
wear them in a sac
around my neck
they weigh the same as time.


IV
patterns of engagement

number one
embrace bleeding
learn to love
sticky sweetness
this is how snow
feels to a daffodil
french kissing
cold with hot
fuck this.
blood in snow feels
beautiful
the velvet of black
roses
is absolutely edible.


V
infinity

metaphorically speaking
my murder will
be misunderstood
it will be enough to say
it's hour
was infinite
like the taste of
chocolate
kissed from your tongue
in solitude.

[billy]

i'm going to read this a few more times. at present i'm really enjoying some of what's going on, i think it was the patterns of engagement stanza. so it's a metaphorical death or dying? just read it again and IV is a poem all on it's own.till reading the poem as a whole though. will give some solid feedback later.

[Ruth]

the collection is rather nebulous - not sure myself what I'm talking about in them

[billy]

i'm back. after reading it a few time, i'm not sure the centre align adds anything, mabe if it were toned up a little the centering would be good.

I
3am

there is someone
in here I'm dying in here, a little cliche maybe but your opening is weak, often, specially on short lined poems we have to grab the reads ass and say hey, look at this.
dying
it's 3am, and I
need to hear
sunlight i like the way you lend noise to sunlight,
you, hours wealthier, my favourite line. has multiple connotations for the reader to play with.
step off into
your life
the blackness between
your words
will not hold time
curled
within it - I
listen for breathing.


II
continuum

inside
I waited for rules (just a suggestion how would it look if you swapped inside with I waited
to change
-time is dripping somewhere in a cave-
(Do Not drink the
black drops)
love? is this being asked of rhetorically of the narrator? if so i like it.
you were in love with it
(it tasted of quinine
dipped in too much sugar) and i like the answer. would it look better with line breaks separating the bracketed lines from the rest


III
space

a heart holds
enough blood to
flow
evenly across
a kitchen table
before turning
black i really like the perceived image of these 1st 7 lines though you could may play with the enjambment to see if you get any pleasing results
(you never wrote this down)
in the space beside speech
you can
hold smooth
cold stones
collected, I the enjambment feels off hold smooth to here
wear them in a sac
around my neck
they weigh the same as time.


IV
patterns of engagement

number one
embrace bleeding
learn to love
sticky sweetness
this is how snow
feels to a daffodil
french kissing
cold with hot
fuck this.
blood in snow feels
beautiful
the velvet of black
roses
is absolutely edible.

i like this as is. some of the analogy is excellent,


V
infinity

metaphorically speaking
my murder will
be misunderstood
it will be enough to say
it's hour
was infinite
like the taste of
chocolate
kissed from your tongue
in solitude.
i like a lot but i'm left wondering as to why is what's being said, is being said...

a nice set off snapshots which pertain to state of mind, or so it seems.
some good solid lines which are original and some of the phrases are excellent. i think you can do some work on the enjambment (just play around with it) without much trouble due to the line length.

did you use taste of chocolate in another poem?

as i said at the beginning. i wasn't over awed with the centring as i think it hides more than helps any small nits in it.

thanks for the read.

[Philatone]

hey ruth!
just some rapid thoughts

I
3am ..interesting choice of time; brings to mind the witching hour

there is someone
in here...the first two lines have a great sense of closeness and detachment; the "someone" is key. that being said, as an opening, it can come off as weak. perhaps a stronger image to start with and move this down? or, perhaps start with the "it's 3am" line and move these two lines to the end of the stanza? it would go well at the end, preceded by the "I listen for breathing"
dying ...i'm debating about this having a line of its own...
it's 3am, and I
need to hear
sunlight
you, hours wealthier,...just checking to make sure the punctuation is correct. i feel like a period is missing
step off into
your life
the blackness between
your words
will not hold time
curled
within it - I
listen for breathing...interesting plays on senses and words, what with "blackness" between words (i'm seeing a conversation in the dark) and "need to hear sunlight" (i take it as the sounds that come with dawn)


II
continuum

inside
I waited for rules
to change
-time is dripping somewhere in a cave-
(Do Not drink the
black drops)...after the bit about rules, it is interesting to have this rule. the waiting is interesting because I'm imagining that you are still following the rules
love?
you were in love with it...the it threw me off. in love with the idea of love?
(it tasted of quinine
dipped in too much sugar)


III
space

a heart holds...i like the image shift
enough blood to
flow
evenly across
a kitchen table
before turning
black
(you never wrote this down)...debating what this line adds
in the space beside speech
you can
hold smooth
cold stones
collected, I
wear them in a sac
around my neck
they weigh the same as time....the one-word lines didn't work for me as well in this stanza


IV
patterns of engagement

number one
embrace bleeding
learn to love
sticky sweetness
this is how snow
feels to a daffodil...there is a lot going on in this part. i'm not sure what is meant by "this"---is it an engagement? a part of a relationship?
french kissing
cold with hot
fuck this.....considering the rest of the language of the stanza and piece, i didn't find this fitting personally
blood in snow feels
beautiful
the velvet of black
roses
is absolutely edible.


V
infinity

metaphorically speaking
my murder will
be misunderstood
it will be enough to say
it's hour
was infinite...strikes me as a bit much. i suppose i can take it as the moment never fading from memory or history
like the taste of
chocolate
kissed from your tongue
in solitude.

this was a bit more rapid than I intended. i like parts of what is saw, but am deciding on how i feel about the form. i hope some of this is helpful

[penguin]

Hello Ruth. Is the title meant to be a kind of pun on Intravenous? I found some very eloquent, interesting sequences but in each section I thought the first half was better than the 2nd.This is what I thought was the essence, if it's any help.

there is someone
in here
dying
it's 3am, and I
need to hear
sunlight
you, hours wealthier,
step off into
your life


inside
I waited for rules
to change
-time is dripping somewhere in a cave-

a heart holds
enough blood to
flow
evenly across
a kitchen table
before turning
black

number one
embrace bleeding
learn to love
sticky sweetness
this is how snow
feels to a daffodil

metaphorically speaking
my murder will
be misunderstood

[Ruth]

hey ruth!
just some rapid thoughts

I
3am ..interesting choice of time; brings to mind the witching hour

there is someone
in here...the first two lines have a great sense of closeness and detachment; the "someone" is key. that being said, as an opening, it can come off as weak. perhaps a stronger image to start with and move this down? or, perhaps start with the "it's 3am" line and move these two lines to the end of the stanza? it would go well at the end, preceded by the "I listen for breathing"
dying ...i'm debating about this having a line of its own...
it's 3am, and I
need to hear
sunlight
you, hours wealthier,...just checking to make sure the punctuation is correct. i feel like a period is missing
step off into
your life
the blackness between
your words
will not hold time
curled
within it - I
listen for breathing...interesting plays on senses and words, what with "blackness" between words (i'm seeing a conversation in the dark) and "need to hear sunlight" (i take it as the sounds that come with dawn)


II
continuum

inside
I waited for rules
to change
-time is dripping somewhere in a cave-
(Do Not drink the
black drops)...after the bit about rules, it is interesting to have this rule. the waiting is interesting because I'm imagining that you are still following the rules
love?
you were in love with it...the it threw me off. in love with the idea of love?
(it tasted of quinine
dipped in too much sugar)


III
space

a heart holds...i like the image shift
enough blood to
flow
evenly across
a kitchen table
before turning
black
(you never wrote this down)...debating what this line adds
in the space beside speech
you can
hold smooth
cold stones
collected, I
wear them in a sac
around my neck
they weigh the same as time....the one-word lines didn't work for me as well in this stanza


IV
patterns of engagement

number one
embrace bleeding
learn to love
sticky sweetness
this is how snow
feels to a daffodil...there is a lot going on in this part. i'm not sure what is meant by "this"---is it an engagement? a part of a relationship?
french kissing
cold with hot
fuck this.....considering the rest of the language of the stanza and piece, i didn't find this fitting personally
blood in snow feels
beautiful
the velvet of black
roses
is absolutely edible.


V
infinity

metaphorically speaking
my murder will
be misunderstood
it will be enough to say
it's hour
was infinite...strikes me as a bit much. i suppose i can take it as the moment never fading from memory or history
like the taste of
chocolate
kissed from your tongue
in solitude.

this was a bit more rapid than I intended. i like parts of what is saw, but am deciding on how i feel about the form. i hope some of this is helpful

thanks very much, I've looked at this and rewrote it. the critiques here have helped me distill what I wanted to say.

thanks again, I really appreciate you going over this.

---

Hello Ruth. Is the title meant to be a kind of pun on Intravenous? I found some very eloquent, interesting sequences but in each section I thought the first half was better than the 2nd.This is what I thought was the essence, if it's any help.

there is someone
in here
dying
it's 3am, and I
need to hear
sunlight
you, hours wealthier,
step off into
your life

inside
I waited for rules
to change
-time is dripping somewhere in a cave-

a heart holds
enough blood to
flow
evenly across
a kitchen table
before turning
black

number one
embrace bleeding
learn to love
sticky sweetness
this is how snow
feels to a daffodil

metaphorically speaking
my murder will
be misunderstood

missed that IV thing (and I'm a nurse, so I feel quite silly). I like way you distilled this. I've rewritten it. I think now I have a better idea what I was trying to say.
thanks very much!

---

it's 3am, and I need to hear sunlight
hours wealthier, you, step out into life.
something in here is dying;
curled, I listen for its breathing.

inside, I wait for our rules to change.
time drips somewhere in a cave
love? you were in love with the idea
it tastes of quinine, dipped in too much sugar.

I learned to embrace bleeding,
to love the sticky sweetness.

an emptying heart has enough blood
to flow across a kitchen table
before turning black
(you would never write this down).

sitting between our worlds are the
cold, smooth stones I collected.

in spring snow covered the daffodils;

metaphorically speaking,
this murder will be misunderstood

[billy]

you bugger.
i knew i'd read it before. this is a good edit and the final edit you did was even better. really good solid piece wor work-shopping. bravo.

[Ruth]

you bugger.
i knew i'd read it before. this is a good edit and the final edit you did was even better. really good solid piece wor work-shopping. bravo.

I do not - bugger that is.

and thanks :-)