Revised

The vodka bottles line her window ledge
at various stages of emptiness.
A report of some sort clings to each neck
confirming degrees of drunkenness.
She studies alone, the experiments
must be free from external influence.
Last night she finally drank to the dregs
and threw her conclusions up over the bed.
This morning she’s doubting the evidence;
scientific research has gone to her head

Original

Bottles of vodka line her window ledge
at various stages of emptiness.
Reports of some sort cling to each neck
measuring degrees of drunkenness.
She studies alone, each experiment
must be free from external influence.
Last night she finally drank to the dregs
and threw her conclusions up over the bed.
This morning she’s doubting the evidence;
scientific research has gone to her head.

Wow. Um, this is a pretty darn flawless read for me. My only tiny nit is "reports of some sort" as its puzzlingly vague in an otherwise descriptive poem, but that in no way diminished my enjoyment of the piece. I'm not sure why, but I also really enjoyed the fact that your protagonist is a woman.

I love this! I really can't find fault with it. I particularly enjoyed the last four lines.

(06-20-2012, 08:40 PM)penguin Wrote:  Bottles of vodka line her window ledge
at various stages of emptiness.
Reports of some sort cling to each neck
measuring degrees of drunkenness.
She studies alone, each experiment
must be free from external influence.
Last night she finally drank to the dregs
and threw her conclusions up over the bed.
This morning she’s doubting the evidence;
scientific research has gone to her head.

i think the rhyme scheme is a bit off. abcbd efgf which could be sorted out with another line that doesn't rhyme.

the title in this is one of those instances where it really works. the internal rhyme works in L3 but the words feel forced a little.
would something like;

Reports of abuse cling to each neck (just a suggestion)

i think it could be paired down a tiny bit though i really am being nit picky. i like the setting the title the content and how they all work together to give a solid image of student life (for some students) i enjoyed the read.

thanks.

(06-20-2012, 08:40 PM)penguin Wrote:  Bottles of vodka line her window ledge
at various stages of emptiness. the window ledge? Rearrange this sentence
Reports of some sort cling to each neck
measuring degrees of drunkenness. reports don't measure, they report. Change measuring to "indicating" or "confirming" or "suggesting" . Drunkedness
She studies alone, each experiment
must be free from external influence.nice line based on understanding of the experimental process
Last night she finally drank to the dregs
and threw her conclusions up over the bed.
This morning she’s doubting the evidence;
scientific research has gone to her head.ending may be a little abrupt but on the other hand you may have said everything you needed to say....this always the right time to stop

A cameo of commitment verse. Could be an Aesopian series of moralistic moments. Not a Proustian Madeline but something many of us will remember!
A nice read.....wanted more.
Best,
Tectak

Thanks all.
The rhymes are meant to be loose, Billy. Very loose!3rd line needs attention, yeah.

Tectak.I thought someone might pick up on reports/measuring. I think "confirming" is a good suggestion, ta. "Drunkenness" it has always been for me.
"A cameo of commitment verse" - I thought I knew what you meant by commitment verse. Now I'm not at all sure.

(06-21-2012, 07:42 PM)penguin Wrote:  Thanks all.
The rhymes are meant to be loose, Billy. Very loose!3rd line needs attention, yeah.

Tectak.I thought someone might pick up on reports/measuring. I think "confirming" is a good suggestion, ta. "Drunkenness" it has always been for me.
"A cameo of commitment verse" - I thought I knew what you meant by commitment verse. Now I'm not at all sure.

Shit.....I wrote drunkedness to see if it looked right then decided it didn't That's why it's stuck there all alone! Apologies
Commitment verse is where the writer shows a dedication, throughout the piece, to a specific ending. It is often a difficult task, especially in long pieces, as the muse takes control and leads the writer down cul de sacs and labrynthian paths.
In this piece it would have been a great surprise if the closing line was anything other than what it was. That is not to say you were predictable.....just that you were committed
Best,
Tectak

This is a really witty and brilliant poem penguin. There's not a shred of critique I can think of to give it. The throwing up her conclusions line was clever, as was the marriage of drinking and studying, and the rhyme worked really well. It's a great joke which reads like clockwork. Thanks very much for the read.

Tectak. I see now! I thought that by commitment verse you meant something which grew out of some tragic circumstance and was a kind of dedication to someone lost. Silly me!

Heslopian. That's very nice of you, thanks very much.

(06-20-2012, 08:40 PM)penguin Wrote:  Revised

The vodka bottles line her window ledge
at various stages of emptiness.
A report of some sort clings to each neck
confirming degrees of drunkenness.
She studies alone, the experiments
must be free from external influence.
Last night she finally drank to the dregs
and threw her conclusions up over the bed.
This morning she’s doubting the evidence;
scientific research has gone to her head

Like it, yes, but this is serious critique and a thumbs up simply will not do . I'm delighted by the softness of the rhymes, hung together with almost a sprung rhythm, still with an alternating 4- / 3-feet per line right up until the last few lines where you have 4 in each, which works as a climax except for the last line. There you fall a bit flat, sound-wise, which might be remedied by a word other than "scientific" (it's all wrong-footed). My suggestions would be "empirical" or "methodical". Of course, this is according to my ear, which may be (ok, definitely is) different to yours and just not hearing things the same way.

The poem works on a literal, humourous level but also serves as allegorical. There's a lovely dark edge to it, although perhaps that's just my inner lonesome nerd talking

Thanks very much for the read.

Thanks, Leanne. The poem was prompted when I entered the bedroom of one of my daughters a while back. Rhythm ought to be the area of poetry where most agreement is reached - in that it's kind of mathematical, measurable. But exactly the opposite is the case!People do see and hear things very differently. I'm quite taken by "empirical", it's smoother off the tongue, so I may well use that.

The only problem I have with this Vodka hasn't any dregs, and despite its allegorical/metaphorical usage it should still be consistent with the overall image. Aside from that it is quite nice.

Dale

Dale. Thanks. You've something of a point about dregs, I guess. But I'm using it in the sense of the last drops of liquid in a container. So I think it passes.

Best Wishes, Ray

Technically correct, however connotatively, when associated with alcohol it generally refers to the sediment in wine. Plus the implied usage in your poem is more of the "dregs of society" which references the secondary definition (Usually, dregs. the least valuable part of anything: the dregs of society.), rather than the tertiary "a small remnant; any small quantity."

So if not for such connotative referencing why not just use "end"?

Dale

Dale, you know I hate to argue ... but to your dregs point, personally I often refer to anything left over as "dregs". I like the connotations the word carries, whereas "end" is very neutral. For modality, I'd take dregs as the stronger word. This may be due to a small cultural shift of usage, since "dregs of society" is not a particularly common term where I'm from (I don't know about penguin of course). Anyway, just thought I'd weigh in -- proving once again that the choice of a single word is as important as anything else in poetry.

Hello Dale. Wasn't really thinking of dregs of society, more of a gradual increase in consumption - experimentation. Like Leanne said, I think "end" is too bland, plus I've got "conclusions" in the following line. Thanks for your thoughts, Ray

Thanks for sharing that penguin I enjoyed it very much, a sort of dark humour that many students probably can equate with! Cheers

"Dale, you know I hate to argue Wink... but to your dregs point, personally I often refer to anything left over as "dregs". I like the connotations the word carries, whereas "end" is very neutral. For modality, I'd take dregs as the stronger word. This may be due to a small cultural shift of usage, since "dregs of society" is not a particularly common term where I'm from (I don't know about penguin of course). Anyway, just thought I'd weigh in -- proving once again that the choice of a single word is as important as anything else in poetry. "

Evidently you guys use it more often in that way. In the US, it is never used like that as far as I am aware, in fact I had to look it up to see that was a valid usage as I have never heard it used that way before. However I try and support colloquialisms whenever I can, so I concede the point as it doesn't hurt anyone to learn new usages

Dale