edit1 Aish, addy, billy............quilt!penguin unshaded

When I die, three wounds I bring.

I knew this when the days became the gaps in bedded nights.
Sweet dreaming into longer dawns beneath my comfort quilt,
to hide my eyes when stabbing light pierced bloodless in to sight;
I by the wound sustained was lost. The first cut is called guilt.

I knew this when the love I had, I lost to other’s schemes;
tight squeezed beneath entombing stone I breathed against the weight
of leaden tears, of pressured thoughts, of dense and airless dreams;
I by the wound sustained was crushed. The second cut is hate.

I knew this when I lost my mind and fell through thoughtless years;
No piton fixing me to rock, no cleft to take hold of,
I hurtled down the whistling void, colliding with my fears;
and by the wound sustained was freed. The last cut is called love.


Tectak
1971

Inspired by a Joan Baez song at the important end of the sixties. Included now as there seems to be a trend toward cool sounding foreign phrases in titles.

It does sound cool . But I quite like the english version of the title and feel there's no real reason to gild it.

I love this piece. I unfortunately have very little to comment.

(06-12-2012, 11:57 PM)tectak Wrote:  When I die, three wounds I bring.

I knew this when the days became the gaps in bedded nights.
Sweet dreaming into longer dawns became my comfort quilt,
to turn back when the stabbing light pierced bloodless in to shaded sight;
I by the wound sustained was lost. The first cut is called guilt. Nice build-up and lead-in. Not sure about "comfort quilt" thing, it's the only part that for me wasn't enticingly descriptive enough. Just imo

I knew this when the love I had, I lost to other’s schemes;
tight squeezed beneath entombing stone I breathed against the weight
of leaden tears, of pressured thoughts, of dense and airless dreams;
I by the wound sustained was crushed. The second cut is hate. Strongest stanza for me. Nice, palpable descriptions

I knew this when I lost my mind and fell through thoughtless years;
No piton fixing me to rock, no cleft to take hold of,
I hurtled down the whistling void, colliding with my fears;
and by the wound sustained was freed. The last cut is called love. I like your turns of phrase here, but I didn't really get the concept of "love" out of it, as such. I'd have expected this stanza to up the ante a little. Of course, that's just a minor nit


Tectak
1971

Thanks very much for the read

(06-12-2012, 11:57 PM)tectak Wrote:  When I die, three wounds I bring.

I knew this when the days became the gaps in bedded nights.
Sweet dreaming into longer dawns became my comfort quilt, comfort quilt feels out of place, silly to say this i know but it feels to comforting
to turn back when the stabbing light pierced bloodless in to shaded sight;
I by the wound sustained was lost. The first cut is called guilt.
strong opener but not to strong apart from the quilt thing you have going on i really like it. the first cut ties in beautifully with the first line of gaps in bedded nights.

I knew this when the love I had, I lost to other’s schemes;
tight squeezed beneath entombing stone I breathed against the weight
of leaden tears, of pressured thoughts, of dense and airless dreams;
I by the wound sustained was crushed. The second cut is hate. no nits, not even small ones with this verse, again the tie in tween 1st and last work well.

I knew this when I lost my mind and fell through thoughtless years; i get the thoughtless years but i think this line needs more strength, a definitive article (what ever that is)
No piton fixing me to rock, no cleft to take hold of,
I hurtled down the whistling void, colliding with my fears;
and by the wound sustained was freed. The last cut is called love. a good last stanza but by looking at the 2nd again i think it needs something more than abstract thoughts. that said i did enjoy it a lot and maybe i'm being a little too picky with it.


Tectak
1971

Inspired by a Joan Baez song at the important end of the sixties. Included now as there seems to be a trend toward cool sounding foreign phrases in titles.

i said most of what i thought by the body of the poem.
i'm glad you put the translation up, not having to google titles make me smile. an overall feel towards the poem is one of excellent. like everything it could be rearranged, i'm wondering (only wondering mind) what the effect would be if you started with love and end with hate.
i never noticed the rhyme scheme which i'm told is a good thing (something i agree with) i just read it again and i think this is great effort, one of your best. one i would steal and put my name on if i thought people would believe i'd wrote it

thanks for the read.

I keep wanting to read S2 L2 as 'quilted comfort', but that may just be me, and I realize it would destroy your rhyme scheme, so I will now ignore it as you surely will as well.

I have no crit to offer you, I simply adore this piece and shall come back and happily read it again.

Llego Con Tres Heridas( I come with three wounds)
edit1 Aish, addy, billy............quilt!

When I die, three wounds I bring.

I knew this when the days became the gaps in bedded nights.
Sweet dreaming into longer dawns beneath my comfort quilt,
to shield my eyes when stabbing light, pierced bloodless in to shaded sight;
I by the wound sustained was lost. The first cut is called guilt.

I knew this when the love I had, I lost to other’s schemes;
tight squeezed beneath entombing stone I breathed against the weight
of leaden tears, of pressured thoughts, of dense and airless dreams;
I by the wound sustained was crushed. The second cut is hate.

I knew this when I lost my mind and fell through thoughtless years;
No piton fixing me to rock, no cleft to take hold of,
I hurtled down the whistling void, colliding with my fears;
and by the wound sustained was freed. The last cut is called love.


Tectak
1971

---

(06-13-2012, 09:05 AM)addy Wrote:  It does sound cool . But I quite like the english version of the title and feel there's no real reason to gild it.

I love this piece. I unfortunately have very little to comment.

(06-12-2012, 11:57 PM)tectak Wrote:  When I die, three wounds I bring.

I knew this when the days became the gaps in bedded nights.
Sweet dreaming into longer dawns became my comfort quilt,
to turn back when the stabbing light pierced bloodless in to shaded sight;
I by the wound sustained was lost. The first cut is called guilt. Nice build-up and lead-in. Not sure about "comfort quilt" thing, it's the only part that for me wasn't enticingly descriptive enough. Just imo

I knew this when the love I had, I lost to other’s schemes;
tight squeezed beneath entombing stone I breathed against the weight
of leaden tears, of pressured thoughts, of dense and airless dreams;
I by the wound sustained was crushed. The second cut is hate. Strongest stanza for me. Nice, palpable descriptions

I knew this when I lost my mind and fell through thoughtless years;
No piton fixing me to rock, no cleft to take hold of,
I hurtled down the whistling void, colliding with my fears;
and by the wound sustained was freed. The last cut is called love. I like your turns of phrase here, but I didn't really get the concept of "love" out of it, as such. I'd have expected this stanza to up the ante a little. Of course, that's just a minor nit


Tectak
1971

Thanks very much for the read

Thnks addy. Points worked on in edit 1.
The last stanza and the love thing is supposed to imply freedom through death....which is ante-high! Maybe more clarity neede here. Again, thanks. I will look again.
Best,
tectak

---

(06-13-2012, 02:53 PM)Aish Wrote:  I keep wanting to read S2 L2 as 'quilted comfort', but that may just be me, and I realize it would destroy your rhyme scheme, so I will now ignore it as you surely will as well.

I have no crit to offer you, I simply adore this piece and shall come back and happily read it again.

Thanks Aish,
that bloody quilt causes problems for me (and Linus)
Edit 1 tries to resolve it. Many thanks,
Best,
tectak

---

(06-13-2012, 10:30 AM)billy Wrote:  

(06-12-2012, 11:57 PM)tectak Wrote:  When I die, three wounds I bring.

I knew this when the days became the gaps in bedded nights.
Sweet dreaming into longer dawns became my comfort quilt, comfort quilt feels out of place, silly to say this i know but it feels to comforting
to turn back when the stabbing light pierced bloodless in to shaded sight;
I by the wound sustained was lost. The first cut is called guilt.
strong opener but not to strong apart from the quilt thing you have going on i really like it. the first cut ties in beautifully with the first line of gaps in bedded nights.

I knew this when the love I had, I lost to other’s schemes;
tight squeezed beneath entombing stone I breathed against the weight
of leaden tears, of pressured thoughts, of dense and airless dreams;
I by the wound sustained was crushed. The second cut is hate. no nits, not even small ones with this verse, again the tie in tween 1st and last work well.

I knew this when I lost my mind and fell through thoughtless years; i get the thoughtless years but i think this line needs more strength, a definitive article (what ever that is)
No piton fixing me to rock, no cleft to take hold of,
I hurtled down the whistling void, colliding with my fears;
and by the wound sustained was freed. The last cut is called love. a good last stanza but by looking at the 2nd again i think it needs something more than abstract thoughts. that said i did enjoy it a lot and maybe i'm being a little too picky with it.


Tectak
1971

Inspired by a Joan Baez song at the important end of the sixties. Included now as there seems to be a trend toward cool sounding foreign phrases in titles.

i said most of what i thought by the body of the poem.
i'm glad you put the translation up, not having to google titles make me smile. an overall feel towards the poem is one of excellent. like everything it could be rearranged, i'm wondering (only wondering mind) what the effect would be if you started with love and end with hate.
i never noticed the rhyme scheme which i'm told is a good thing (something i agree with) i just read it again and i think this is great effort, one of your best. one i would steal and put my name on if i thought people would believe i'd wrote it

thanks for the read.

Thanks Billy. The edit 1 is up. The quilt thing was problematical....you may not noitice the rhyme scheme but you just try to find a subtle rhyme for "guilt"
Best,
tectak

Sir, you simply need to wilt

(06-13-2012, 04:37 PM)Aish Wrote:  Sir, you simply need to wilt

Beneath my quilt
I may well wilt.
I have no guilt,
It's how I'm built

Best ad thanks
tectak

it was a nit more than solid detestation i just remember both my daughters as kids having worry blankets/comfort quilts. when i read it, it's not something that makes me feel of guilt

---

i have a suggestion though that's all it is

patchwork quilt. in the old days young girls and grannies spent lot of time sewing quilts. mainly for wedding presents and such. and out of boredom often it was a wedding present because it was cheaper to make from old remnants of cloth than it was to buy something.

hey tec

(06-12-2012, 11:57 PM)tectak Wrote:  edit1 Aish, addy, billy............quilt!

When I die, three wounds I bring.

I knew this when the days became the gaps in bedded nights.
Sweet dreaming into longer dawns beneath my comfort quilt,
to hide my eyes when stabbing light pierced bloodless in to shaded sight; ..that "bloodless" really is key. the phrasing is a bit dramatic, but consistent, which is helpful
I by the wound sustained was lost. The first cut is called guilt.

...interesting, relatable idea for mornings. well phrased. the "guilt" is taking me a bit to connect to, however, as well as the "lost". It strikes me as an episode of depression, or a reaction to something that the speaker did and regrets, perhaps because it isolated him/her

I knew this when the love I had, I lost to other’s schemes;
tight squeezed beneath entombing stone I breathed against the weight
of leaden tears, of pressured thoughts, of dense and airless dreams;
I by the wound sustained was crushed. The second cut is hate.

...again, dramatic touches to a relatable topic. well phrased

I knew this when I lost my mind and fell through thoughtless years;...I realize that the frame of reference for this piece, with respect to time, is general. However, "thoughltess years" felt too broad for me
No piton fixing me to rock, no cleft to take hold of,
I hurtled down the whistling void, colliding with my fears;
and by the wound sustained was freed. The last cut is called love.

...i like the finish, it is well done

I apologize for having little to offer for critique, but I wanted to show that I read and enjoyed it, tec

Ah, that makes sense then.... a kind of universal love experienced at one's mortality (the void should have clued me in) . So then the broadness fits in perfectly

I can imagine Joan Baez singing something like this.Haven't you a beat too many in this line?

to hide my eyes when stabbing light pierced bloodless in to shaded sight

I by the wound sustained was... - that's a nice little refrain

I like the 2nd verse best though I struggle to imagine tears as leaden.

(06-15-2012, 08:45 PM)penguin Wrote:  I can imagine Joan Baez singing something like this.Haven't you a beat too many in this line?

to hide my eyes when stabbing light pierced bloodless in to shaded sight

I by the wound sustained was... - that's a nice little refrain

I like the 2nd verse best though I struggle to imagine tears as leaden.

Hi penguin,
Yes. There is one "beat" too many and I have no excuse except that I am a hell raiser! I will look at it again.
Leaden as in heavy. Heavy as in heavy rain, rain as in tears. I don't do complicated!
Best,
Tectak

---

(06-14-2012, 07:34 AM)Philatone Wrote:  hey tec

(06-12-2012, 11:57 PM)tectak Wrote:  edit1 Aish, addy, billy............quilt!

When I die, three wounds I bring.

I knew this when the days became the gaps in bedded nights.
Sweet dreaming into longer dawns beneath my comfort quilt,
to hide my eyes when stabbing light pierced bloodless in to shaded sight; ..that "bloodless" really is key. the phrasing is a bit dramatic, but consistent, which is helpful
I by the wound sustained was lost. The first cut is called guilt.

...interesting, relatable idea for mornings. well phrased. the "guilt" is taking me a bit to connect to, however, as well as the "lost". It strikes me as an episode of depression, or a reaction to something that the speaker did and regrets, perhaps because it isolated him/her

I knew this when the love I had, I lost to other’s schemes;
tight squeezed beneath entombing stone I breathed against the weight
of leaden tears, of pressured thoughts, of dense and airless dreams;
I by the wound sustained was crushed. The second cut is hate.

...again, dramatic touches to a relatable topic. well phrased

I knew this when I lost my mind and fell through thoughtless years;...I realize that the frame of reference for this piece, with respect to time, is general. However, "thoughltess years" felt too broad for me
No piton fixing me to rock, no cleft to take hold of,
I hurtled down the whistling void, colliding with my fears;
and by the wound sustained was freed. The last cut is called love.

...i like the finish, it is well done

I apologize for having little to offer for critique, but I wanted to show that I read and enjoyed it, tec

Hi phil,
Thanks for the comments. Just a reply to let you know I read them AND a note to your note re. the guilt thing.
I will stick up Sonnet on a Guilty Man Waking just for you!
Best,
Tectak

(06-14-2012, 07:34 AM)Philatone Wrote:  hey tec

(06-12-2012, 11:57 PM)tectak Wrote:  edit1 Aish, addy, billy............quilt!

When I die, three wounds I bring.

I knew this when the days became the gaps in bedded nights.
Sweet dreaming into longer dawns beneath my comfort quilt,
to hide my eyes when stabbing light pierced bloodless in to shaded sight; ..that "bloodless" really is key. the phrasing is a bit dramatic, but consistent, which is helpful
I by the wound sustained was lost. The first cut is called guilt.

...interesting, relatable idea for mornings. well phrased. the "guilt" is taking me a bit to connect to, however, as well as the "lost". It strikes me as an episode of depression, or a reaction to something that the speaker did and regrets, perhaps because it isolated him/her

I knew this when the love I had, I lost to other’s schemes;
tight squeezed beneath entombing stone I breathed against the weight
of leaden tears, of pressured thoughts, of dense and airless dreams;
I by the wound sustained was crushed. The second cut is hate.

...again, dramatic touches to a relatable topic. well phrased

I knew this when I lost my mind and fell through thoughtless years;...I realize that the frame of reference for this piece, with respect to time, is general. However, "thoughltess years" felt too broad for me
No piton fixing me to rock, no cleft to take hold of,
I hurtled down the whistling void, colliding with my fears;
and by the wound sustained was freed. The last cut is called love.

...i like the finish, it is well done

I apologize for having little to offer for critique, but I wanted to show that I read and enjoyed it, tec

Hi phil. To continue this discourse. Blinded by guilt (John 9:41) is the route I was following
I thought the expression was more commonly known than is the case. Blinded by guilt makes the "lost", unable to see whereone is or where one is going, more plausible. As I oftimes say, I don't do complicated!
The sonnet is the same root with the same message. Guilt robs one of peace and sleep and blinds reason.
Incidentally, the original three wounds, in the song, were fatal, being love,hate and death.....I couldn't see death as a "wound" somehow, so I decided to go for the living death of love thwarted. Once I got hold of that it was just a matter of choosing the progression. Guilt followed by hate followed by the pain of love lost seemed apposite if not original
Best and thanks,
Tectak

it's a bit of cop out fix for comfort quilt but it works

(06-16-2012, 07:08 PM)billy Wrote:  it's a bit of cop out fix for comfort quilt but it works

As you are wont to say- he he
Best,
Tectak