v3.1 (changed word on L10 and end of last line. possibly this ties it up)

Cut, do you feel it?
If another feels
How would you know?
Perhaps, an electric circuit
Whereby no pain, just.. switch

Spoken, the mind is happy
Professionals hooked on regular responses:
Invested in, mused or returned a hello.
Adult children working a suicide line;
Competing with criminals: digging up murder cases,
Convincing the victim he's still alive.

Spoken, the mind is happy
To converse in unique tones each of us:
The mind alien natured to voice; to cunning
Blissfully unaware, each of us
And bound to treat brain's self, one's face-
The value we see with society's eyes.


v3.0 (still working on getting something to connect through it all,
decided to go a different direction to highlight the competition L9-11, maybe 'can still breathe' ?)

Cut, do you feel it?
If another feels
How would you know?
Perhaps, an electric circuit
Whereby no pain, just.. switch

Spoken, the mind is happy
Professionals hooked on regular responses:
Invested in, mused or returned a hello.
Adult children working a suicide line;
Competing with criminals: digging up shooting cases,
Convincing the victim he's still alive.

Spoken, the mind is happy
To converse in unique tones each of us:
The mind alien natured to voice; to cunning
Blissfully unaware, each of us
And bound to treat brain's self, one's face-
The value we see with our own eyes.


v2.0 (reworked the general message, clarity, works better I think)

Cut, do you feel it?
If another felt it
How would you know it feels?
Perhaps, an electric circuit
Whereby no pain, just.. reroute

Spoken, the mind is happy
Professionals hooked on regular validation-
Quipped, reversed or returned.
Adult children working a checkout line:
Competition-members, alert for attackers,
Whose leaked ammunition taken, fired.

Spoken, the mind is happy
To converse in unique tones each of us:
The mind is alien natured to voice
Blissfully unaware, each of us
And bound to value brain's self, one's face
A child in all life's scupperings.


(end)

v1.0 Original

Cut, do you feel it?
If another feels it
How would you know?
Perhaps, an electric circuit
And there is no pain just, reaction

Spoken the mind is happy
Children with addictions of regular validation-
Quipped, reversed or just returned-
Adult children operating a service.
Competition-members, sifting for attackers
Shooting with ammunition leaked.

Spoken the mind is happy
To converse in such diverged tones each of us
The mind is alien natured to all conversation
Blissfully unaware, each of us
And bound to value oneself, one's brain
A simple child with arising challenge.


(end)

Hmm just exploring putting my recent philosophy into writing here

Interested to hear if it flies with you.

hey chaotic

(04-15-2012, 03:01 AM)Chaotic Body Wrote:  Cut, do you feel it? ...like the comma right after "cut," reinforces the word
If another feels it ...maybe should be "felt," but I'm not sure how grammatical you want to be
How would you know?
Perhaps, an electric circuit
And there is no pain just, reaction... while the comma as is makes for a very interesting phrase ("there is no pain just"); I think you intended it to be after pain. "Reaction" felt a little weak for an ending for the stanza for me

Spoken the mind is happy....comma after "spoken"
Children with addictions of regular validation-
Quipped, reversed or just returned-
Adult children operating a service. ...I wanted a different word than "children" since it was already used
Competition-members, sifting for attackers
Shooting with ammunition leaked....got a little lost, especially the "ammunition leaked". I'm seeing this as people needing to be told they are doing something well, however the compliments are received, though they are becoming harder to encounter.

Spoken the mind is happy
To converse in such diverged tones each of us...what "diverged tones"? the different ways of expressing "validation" from the stanza above? additionally, the sentence feels incomplete; it needs a verb
The mind is alien natured to all conversation..."alien natured" is interesting
Blissfully unaware, each of us
And bound to value oneself, one's brain
A simple child with arising challenge.
...i wanted "arising challenge" to be a touch more concrete, or explained slightly more previously. Challenge to what? communicate?


(end)

Hmm just exploring putting my recent philosophy into writing here

Interested to hear if it flies with you.

i'm probably way off base with my thoughts, but I hope some of them can be of use. Initially, I saw the "cut" as more physical, but as the poem progresses it seems to have a much stronger emotional impact.

(04-15-2012, 03:43 AM)Philatone Wrote:  i'm probably way off base with my thoughts, but I hope some of them can be of use. Initially, I saw the "cut" as more physical, but as the poem progresses it seems to have a much stronger emotional impact.

Thanks, I tried to address all those points

I'm not sure how that emotional impact could be built

I didn't intend a LOT of this haha! I think definitely the cutting is something I knew is a gateway metaphor for the rest. I can see the reader coming back and questioning the first stanza seriously a second read..

I'm worried about the ammunition part. But I don't think I can chop and change orders of words very well in this style of writing, I want so say with that line:

"people using weaknesses to bring down others (socially)"

..but the message is being confused with the professional side, I liked the idea of a double meaning. Particularly this checkout line scenario.. workers could be people of any age..

Quote:I didn't intend a LOT of this

understandable; I find some of the poems I dislike the most that I write suffer from too much planning. Personally, I prefer the route of venturing into the unknown rather than trying to arrive at a fixed ending. You can always edit after!

with regards to the revision...

Quote:Cut, do you feel it?
If another felt it
How would you know it feels? ...what exactly "feels"? The cut? A cut can feel? Is this supposed to read "How would you know how it feels? opening with questions is not my favorite strategy because it can be somewhat weak; this strikes me as a case where I think making a statement rather than a question will give you strength. Let's assume that the cut is felt; how does that change things?
Perhaps, an electric circuit
Whereby no pain, just.. reroute...not a strong ending for me. what does a circuit feel like? Using "like" may help ease the transition into these lines, or at least including a verb like a form of "to be"

Spoken, the mind is happy
Professionals hooked on regular validation-
Quipped, reversed or returned.
Adult children working a checkout line: ...I would make "working" into a verb form- "work"
Competition-members, alert for attackers, ..."alert for" strikes me as a bit odd. maybe "wary of". I think i'm getting the meaning here as people trying to rat each other out, something I hadn't seen originally, which helps your case for "ammunition" (although, I think further work will only help it more)
Whose leaked ammunition taken, fired. ...again, an actual verb would do wonders here

Spoken, the mind is happy
To converse in unique tones each of us: ...is "each of us" the subject or object of a missing preposition "to"?
The mind is alien natured to voice...have reservations about "alien natured," though I like the idea
Blissfully unaware, each of us
And bound to value brain's self, one's face
A child in all life's scupperings. [b]...whoa. "scupperings" caught me off guard because it does not fit the rest of the poem's word choice.

i'm still seeing the first stanza as the weakest link of the piece; I wanted a slightly more visible connection to the rest of the piece (it is probably there, but I'm failing to see it right now)

(04-17-2012, 11:01 AM)Philatone Wrote:  i'm still seeing the first stanza as the weakest link of the piece; I wanted a slightly more visible connection to the rest of the piece (it is probably there, but I'm failing to see it right now)

I don't think I tried in particular; just throwing together themes I feel are near each other in my head

I have a new version, thanks again for your comments, I need to sit and have a proper think about the theme to run through it.. shouldn't have posted such an incomplete thing maybe