bees harvest pollen
from apple blossoms in bloom--
need more honey pots

(03-30-2012, 05:35 PM)billy Wrote:  bees harvest pollen
from apple blossoms in bloom-- I don't think you need 'from' or 'in', so maybe choose another 2 syllable word to get to seven?
need more honey pots -- this could be taken so many ways

Either lovely or funny, depending on how I read it.

Blossoms in bloom is repetitive. I'm wondering why you have both, maybe I'm missing something. You can just cut "in bloom" or you could change blossoms to trees, twigs, branches, something.

(03-30-2012, 05:35 PM)billy Wrote:  bees harvest pollen
from apple blossoms in bloom--
need more honey pots

(03-30-2012, 05:35 PM)billy Wrote:  bees harvest pollen
from apple blossoms in bloom--
need more honey pots

I agree with ellajam about 'blossoms' and 'blooms' but the image is lovely, and easily tweaked - maybe 'from wreaths of apple blossom' or something similar

I liked it a lot until I read the critiques!
It can be worked.
Please let me keep the original picture, though.


bees harvest pollen                              this is a picture of someone doing their job
from apple blossoms in bloom--            here's the redundancy I did not see for the cuteness of it all
need more honey pots                         rewards for hard work should be good, but there's a need

                                                            perhaps, "gather apple blossom dew"?
                                                            but it's your poem, not mine <3