Will you be my home,
so that I'm not alone,
when my time comes to die?
I’ll have no family by my side,
to offer comfort and hold my hand.
My parents have long been in their graves;
neither have I siblings alive to ask for aid.
My wife went on long before,
and children I once had are now no more.
When I stand at the entrance of death’s door,
will you succor me; be my last refuge,
the vultures then to disabuse,
as I lie helpless in my bed,
keep them from picking at my head?
I will give you all I own,
for this simply act alone:
let me lie among familiar things,
for the comfort that it brings,
and be my home?

©2012 –Erthona

Note:

From a series of poems on death and dying, along with "The Final Hour".

(03-09-2012, 10:57 AM)Erthona Wrote:  Will you be my home,
so that I'm not alone, this is not as poignant as i would wish it to be. It is partly the conceptual difficulty in trying to anthropomorphise the inanimacy of bricks and mortar and partly the "home alone" thing. Perhaps just "Will you be AT home" would work better? Now and forever!
when my time comes to die?
I’ll have no family by my side,
to offer comfort and hold my hand.
My parents have long been in their graves;
neither have I siblings alive to ask for aid. I am sorry, but to me this is the beggar, dog and placard scenario... " Spare a dime,wife and family to support"
My wife went on long before,
and children I once had are now no more.
When I stand at the entrance of death’s door,
will you succor me; be my last refuge,If I had not already disavowed you of the personification of "home" this would be a nice hyperspacelink....as it is. I am not sure. I may have to retract. No. I won't.
the vultures then to disabuse,Again,and logically, what you are saying here is will you be my refuge/shelter/home (structural edifices made of some solid matter) then by some human "act" further down, fend off the vultures. It doesn't hang together.
as I lie helpless in my bed
keep them from picking at my head?
I will give you all I own,
for this simply act alone:
let me lie among familiar things,
for the comfort that it brings,
and be my home?

©2012 –Erthona

Note:

From a series of poems on death and dying, along with "The Final Hour".

I like it for all the wrong reasons. It is on many levels as poignant as it could get IF it were a caricature of a simple man approaching a lonely death. The trouble is you have not convinced me that it is so. It reads like an erudite poet trying to write like a simple man approaching a lonely death.....in this you have succeeded. Hmmmm.... now I have confused myself......which is not good.
Best,
Tectak.
PS My "New Age" is so good that no one can find anything to crit it on. Though I am mighty proud of the achievement, I cannot believe it is that good. It is about approaching death. That is why I mentioned it.

I think you have misread some of the first part, or I have written poorly. He is giving the reasons why he is making this somewhat strange request, and that is none of the usual suspects to fill the role are alive. So he is offering a bargain to this person, that if they will allow him to die in his "house" and be there with him as it happens, he will leave everything he has to them. Without someone to do this for him, the powers that be will come and take him to the hospital. He does not want that, he wants to die where he feels comfortable, where he is around familiar things. so, in the metaphorical sense, the person, is fulling the part of being his home. I have seen a number of older people protest to being removed from their homes when they are dying. They know they are dying, and they accept that, and even welcome it, what they do not want is to be removed from what is familiar.

Dale

PSST "My "New Age" is so good that no one can find anything to crit it on." I'll give it a look see, I missed it somehow.

(03-10-2012, 04:10 AM)Erthona Wrote:  I think you have misread some of the first part, or I have written poorly. He is giving the reasons why he is making this somewhat strange request, and that is none of the usual suspects to fill the role are alive. So he is offering a bargain to this person, that if they will allow him to die in his "house" and be there with him as it happens, he will leave everything he has to them. Without someone to do this for him, the powers that be will come and take him to the hospital. He does not want that, he wants to die where he feels comfortable, where he is around familiar things. so, in the metaphorical sense, the person, is fulling the part of being his home. I have seen a number of older people protest to being removed from their homes when they are dying. They know they are dying, and they accept that, and even welcome it, what they do not want is to be removed from what is familiar.

Dale

PSST "My "New Age" is so good that no one can find anything to crit it on." I'll give it a look see, I missed it somehow.

No...I got the sentiment and the point....I was just a little twisted in my logic when I wrote that it would be better to suggest "at" home. It really is a very nice piece but as you gently indicated I did not lock on to the full implication of "my". Stupid.
I have an ancient mother, 97 now, and unaware. My worst fears were convincing her that the time had come to go into what is in fact an excellent home. Getting back to your piece, it was not in any way a comfort to her whether she went into said home, lived with us, lived with my sister or lived with a friend......she wanted to stay at HER home. ......so with that specific circumstance in mind I would perhaps suggest a couple more lines early on, to ease the reader into better understanding. I say again, it is a very poignant piece, the moreso when understood.
Best,
Tectak

I will take that under advisement, although at the moment I am at a loss as to what I could add. Suggestions?

Dale

ey dale
some thoughts to consider

(03-09-2012, 10:57 AM)Erthona Wrote:  Will you be my home, ...really like the opening; i think it grants you a lot of possibilities and interpretations
so that I'm not alone, ....not a fan of the comma..or even the one in the line above
when my time comes to die?
I’ll have no family by my side,
to offer comfort and hold my hand....maybe key information, but the way it is presented is rather direct; I have similar sentiments for the next few lines as well
My parents have long been in their graves;
neither have I siblings alive to ask for aid.
My wife went on long before,
and children I once had are now no more....this line felt like a little clunky flow-wise. the phrase "I once had are now" is the culprit I think
When I stand at the entrance of death’s door,...I wanted a more refreshing image. also, to me, "entrance of death's door" felt a bit redundant
will you succor me; be my last refuge,
the vultures then to disabuse, ...I like the image of the vultures, but the rhyme felt forced because the wording strikes me as unnatural
as I lie helpless in my bed,
keep them from picking at my head?...I wanted this line to be closer to the vulture image, instead of being distanced by a line or two. I think swapping it with the line above could help
I will give you all I own,
for this simply act alone: ...."simply" or "simple"?
let me lie among familiar things,
for the comfort that it brings,
and be my home?

©2012 –Erthona

Note:

From a series of poems on death and dying, along with "The Final Hour".

I read the explanation you offered to tectak and regretted it. If there is some intention about avoiding a hospital or something of that sort, then I think mentioning it more strongly--whether directly or through metaphor--could work wonders. The closest clue I found was "lie among familiar things", or perhaps even "I lie helpless in my bed" (though that is more of a stretch in terms of specifying a place)

I see a backbone of a poem, but I think it puts too much meat in the wrong places (e.g., maybe a few too many lines describing dead family members--I think the point came across much sooner) and not enough in others.

(03-09-2012, 10:57 AM)Erthona Wrote:  Will you be my home,
so that I'm not alone,
when my time comes to die?
I’ll have no family by my side,
to offer comfort and hold my hand. line 1 to 5 feel very weak, l1,2, feel really weak( yes, there is a difference)
My parents have long been in their graves;
neither have I siblings alive to ask for aid.
My wife went on long before, i like your poetry Dale, but so far it just feels like a list poem come begging letter
and children I once had are now no more.
When I stand at the entrance of death’s door, feels cliche
will you succor me; be my last refuge, is succor an american spelling
the vultures then to disabuse,
as I lie helpless in my bed, solid cliche
keep them from picking at my head?
I will give you all I own,
for this simply act alone:
let me lie among familiar things,
for the comfort that it brings,
and be my home?

©2012 –Erthona

Note:

From a series of poems on death and dying, along with "The Final Hour".

wow, i say that because this is so different for the dale i've previously read. it feels monotonous . i do like the title, which for me is it's saving grace, i think if you added some solid images it would lift the piece. what i did notice is the word choices for the start of each sentence feels very weak; i'm being honest and not unkind. as i've said, i'm a big fan of your poetry but i do think this one needs a solid edit. jmo.

Thanks Billy,

I'll think about that when I revisit later. I think I meant for it to have a pleading tone, and of course it would sound weak given the circumstances, but once I get some distance from it, I'll see what I think.
cliche 1 & 2 correct!

Thanks again,

Dale

---

Thanks Geoff,

Yeah, the wanting to die at home seems to slip by.

"this line felt like a little clunky flow-wise. the phrase "I once had are now" is the culprit I think"

I worked on this quite a lot, but I was never satisfied with it, yet I have been able to come up with nothing much better.

"I wanted a more refreshing image. also, to me, "entrance of death's door" felt a bit redundant"

Beyond redundant, cliche is more accurate. At the time I just had nothing better.

"simple" Yeah, that's just a typo. Thanks for the catch.

Thanks for the read and suggestions,

Dale