Oh, great temptress, burning light,
oh, muse that so inflames my loins,
what quandary raised, what plight
ensued when we forever joined?
I lost myself in a sea of you,
as if my id had been purloined
by some intoxicating brew to
make our paths become conjoined.

Oh tigress, queen of deepest night,
magnetic North, my thrilling ache,
what selflessness your heart invites.
You are the habit I'll never break.
Like heroin, a trembling need alights.
It shocks my every molecule awake,
burns every synapse it excites.
You are absinthe, and I partake.

For this, there should be recompense,
some gilded romance, not this fear,
not this blinded mirror, evidence
of selfness lost to one so cavalier.
You bend me to your iron will
with rules to which I must adhere,
but as of now, I've had my fill,
signed, your darling
mutineer.

(02-18-2012, 12:58 AM)only rob Wrote:  Oh, great temptress, burning light,
oh, muse that so inflames my loins,
what quandary raised, what plight
ensued when we forever joined?
I lost myself in a sea of you,
as if my id had been purloined
by some intoxicating brew to
make our paths become conjoined.

Oh tigress, queen of deepest night,
magnetic North, my thrilling ache,
what selflessness your heart invites.
You are the habit I'll never break.
Like heroin, a trembling need alights.
It shocks my every molecule awake,
burns every synapse it excites.
You are absinthe, and I partake.

For this, there should be recompense,
some gilded romance, not this fear,
not this blinded mirror, evidence
of selfness lost to one so cavalier.
You bend me to your iron will
with rules to which I must adhere,
but as of now, I've had my fill,
signed, your darling
mutineer.

Surely the most effective antidote to Unclichéd Valentine! More to follow but clichés notwithstanding there are some nice bits in this. Needs more thought from both critic and writer......probably in equal proportions.
Best,
Tectak

hey rob,
hope this is helpful

(02-18-2012, 12:58 AM)only rob Wrote:  Oh, great temptress, burning light,
oh, muse that so inflames my loins,
what quandary raised, what plight ....meter felt a little off for me; perhaps my pronunciation of "quandary"?
ensued when we forever joined?
I lost myself in a sea of you,
as if my id had been purloined
by some intoxicating brew to
make our paths become conjoined. ...I would shift "to" to the start of this line. overall, like the tone of the piece so far. some of the images could be freshened I feel ("burning light"..."sea of you")

Oh tigress, queen of deepest night,
magnetic North, my thrilling ache,
what selflessness your heart invites.
You are the habit I'll never break.
Like heroin, a trembling need alights.
It shocks my every molecule awake, ...."molecule" didn't fit as well as your other words for me
burns every synapse it excites.
You are absinthe, and I partake. ....great play on "absinthe"/ "absent" with your "partake". overall, I think the stanza could benefit from finding ways to keep the flow continuing from line to line, rather than stopping ever time

For this, there should be recompense,
some gilded romance, not this fear, ...I haven't gotten that sense of "fear" you mention from the previous stanzas
not this blinded mirror, evidence
of selfness lost to one so cavalier.
You bend me to your iron will
with rules to which I must adhere,
but as of now, I've had my fill,
signed, your darling
mutineer.

enjoyed the read, but it does feel like it could be tightened

As this is a humorous piece the foot count per line is not all that critical, however it does weaken the poem to some degree. There are some nice rhymes, such as "purloined" and "conjoined", but there are also some cliche phrases such as "I lost myself in a sea of you" even though the following line adds a nice twist.

It is a bit disruptive that it jumps from mainly an iambic line, to lines that are for the most part arrhythmical. Idiosyncratic word choices such as in L2 "oh, muse that so inflames my loins," instead of "oh muse you so...", or phrases such as "my thrilling ache" further devalue the overall effect, and give it an ad hoc, or gratuitous quality at times in order to make the rhyme, rather than the rhyme being a natural extension of the line.

For some reason this puts me in mind of Benedict's assessment of Hero.

"Why, i' faith, methinks she’s too low for a high praise, too
brown for a fair praise, and too little for a great praise."

That is to say there is just enough wrong with this poem to keep it from being memorable, but with a little work it could enter the realm of decent.

Dale

below I listed the number of feet/accents per line.
-------------------------------------------------------------------


Oh, great temptress, burning light, 4
oh, muse that so inflames my loins, 4
what quandary raised, what plight 3
ensued when we forever joined? 4
I lost myself in a sea of you, 4
as if my id had been purloined 4
by some intoxicating brew to 4
make our paths become conjoined. 4

Oh tigress, queen of deepest night, 4
magnetic North, my thrilling ache, 4
what selflessness your heart invites. 4
You are the habit I'll never break. 4
Like heroin, a trembling need alights. 5
It shocks my every molecule awake, 5
burns every synapse it excites. 4
You are absinthe, and I partake. 5

For this, there should be recompense, 4
some gilded romance, not this fear, 4
not this blinded mirror, evidence 5
of selfness lost to one so cavalier. 5
You bend me to your iron will 4
with rules to which I must adhere, 4
but as of now, I've had my fill, 4
signed, your darling
mutineer. 4