An interesting day when I was seventy-two.

We're looking at each other, sitting here, beside the big window.
Here we can watch the outside people churning, flying round.
We are in a box that surrounds and protects us
behind its thick,sand safe glass wall;
we are looking out at all those looking in.
The coffee we ordered is spiteful. Its taste irritates me.
It has spent too long in its own glass tomb, reduced to a black buzz
of caffeine and sugared necessity.
Sugared. Made to taste better by added sweetness; hiding the bitter essence.
We don't touch.
People are looking. They only see what we want them to see.
We don't speak.
People are listening. They only hear what they want to hear.
A man behind us calls for sugar. I hear him.
We don't have any sugar.
The waiter has the sugar franchise....but he doesn't hear.
The man is in withdrawal. He must have sugar.
Everyone hears him...but not the waiter. We look at each other.
Knowingly. Smugly, even. We don't need sugar, you see:
And we are pleased. The man gets up and walks to the counter.
His says his coffee is now cold.
We look out of the window to prove we are not interested.
That's what we do. Never show interest.
The glass is thick and strong. No one outside is interested, either.
There are noises behind us but we don't hear a thing:
well, we hear every word but we are not interested.
The man knocks over a chair and shouts.
Outside a uniform runs towards the door.
We sip our vile coffee and grimace to each other.
Shall we go? Do you want another? If you do, I do, too.
From the reflection in the window I can see that the uniform is holding on to the man.
The waiter comes back. Two more coffees, please.
The waiter is not listening.
The man is still shouting as the uniform takes him outside, past the glass.
We do not look. The uniform is holding the man by one arm as he hauls him away.
The waiter looks offended. He shrugs to no one and quickly scans the room.
Two more coffees, please. Loudly this time.
The waiter nods to me and starts towards us.
I look away and in the reflection the waiter veers off
and disappears from view again. We do not talk as we wait.
And wait.
The uniform comes back and asks us if we saw what happened.
We saw nothing. The coffee comes in five minutes.
The waiter looks up as he puts down the cups.
He asks if we want sugar but he is looking away from me; so I turn away, too.
Yes, please.
The coffee cools as we wait for the sugar we don't want....but it doesn't arrive.
We leave the cold coffee.
Without talking we get up and gather our shopping.
We leave without paying for the coffee we didn't drink.
Going home in the winter cold, we hold hands.
We do not talk, even though it was an interesting day.
Tectak
Feb 2012

Wow! I really liked this a lot. I'm not sure I completely understand everything, but the general tone left me wishing it was longer (I think that's a good thing). I'm no professional critique, but I can say as an amateur that this is very interesting and maintains a consistent attitude in my opinion.

A couple of nits (since you've got this in 'Serious'):

sometimes your its needs to be it's (depending on whether you mean 'it is' or if you mean the possessive)
You might want to think about enclosing the dialogue (or monologue as it were) in " "s

Overall a fantastic read and thanks for sharing.
(Others will be along that know what they're doing :p)

(02-06-2012, 11:51 PM)Mark Wrote:  Wow! I really liked this a lot. I'm not sure I completely understand everything, but the general tone left me wishing it was longer (I think that's a good thing). I'm no professional critique, but I can say as an amateur that this is very interesting and maintains a consistent attitude in my opinion.

A couple of nits (since you've got this in 'Serious'):

sometimes your its needs to be it's (depending on whether you mean 'it is' or if you mean the possessive)
You might want to think about enclosing the dialogue (or monologue as it were) in " "s

Overall a fantastic read and thanks for sharing.
(Others will be along that know what they're doing :p)

---

Yes to the it's or the "it's". First posting to get my range!
Problems always with "genre" efforts. This was prompted by observing an elderly couple observing an awkward incident in a town centre coffee bar. Whilst the story was true, the thoughts were superimposed in a remote controlled first person once removed! Hence omitted quotes.
Thank you for your comments. As I am a lifeboat refugee from that creaking ship Allpoetry I think I managed to reach your island without getting my feet wet.
Best,
Tectak

Hi tectek, to reply to the post above you, just scroll to the bottom of the page and put your text in there.
to reply to a post higher than the one above you, click on new reply and answer outside the quoted text. or, delete part of the text and reply outside the quotes. hope it helps.

---

(02-06-2012, 10:57 PM)tectak Wrote:  An interesting day when I was seventy-two.

We're looking at each other, sitting here, beside the big window. Here we can watch
The outside people churning and flying around. We are in a box that surrounds and protects us why not contract the we are as in the 1st line?
Behind its thick, safe glass wall; we are looking out at those looking in.
The coffee we ordered is spiteful. Its taste irritates me. It has spent too long
In its own glass tomb, reduced to a black buzz of caffeine and sugared necessity. this and the line above are superb, strong image
Sugared. Made to taste better by added sweetness; hiding the bitter essence.
We don't touch. People are looking. They only see what we want them to see.
We don't speak. People are listening. They only hear what they want to hear.
A man behind us calls for sugar. I hear him. We don't have any sugar.
The waiter has the sugar franchise....but he doesn't hear.
The man is in withdrawal. He must have sugar. Everyone hears him...but not the waiter.
We look at each other. Knowingly. Smugly even. We don't need sugar, you see:
And we are pleased. The man gets up and walks to the counter. His says his coffee is now cold.
We look out of the window to prove we are not interested. That's what we do.
Never show interest. The glass is thick and strong. No one outside is interested, either.
There are noises behind us but we don't hear a thing: well, we hear every word but we are not interested.
The man knocks over a chair and shouts. Outside a uniform runs towards the door.
We sip our vile coffee and grimace to each other. Shall we go? Do you want another? If you do, I do, too.
From the reflection in the window I can see that the uniform is holding on to the man.
The waiter comes back. Two more coffees, please. The waiter is not listening.
The man is still shouting as the uniform takes him outside, past the glass.
We do not look. The uniform is holding the man by one arm as he hauls him away.
The waiter looks offended. He shrugs to no one and quickly scans the room.
Two more coffees, please. Loudly this time.The waiter nods to me and starts towards us.
I look away and in the reflection the waiter veers off and disappears from view again.
We do not talk as we wait. And wait. The uniform comes back and asks us if we saw what happened.
We saw nothing. The coffee comes in five minutes. The waiter looks up as he puts down the cups.
He asks if we want sugar but he is looking away from me; so I turn away, too. Yes, please.
The coffee cools as we wait for the sugar we don't want....but it doesn't arrive. We leave the cold coffee.
Without talking we get up and gather ourshopping. [our shopping]We leave without paying for the coffee we didn't drink.
Going home in the winter cold, we hold hands. We do not talk, even though it was an interesting day.
Tectak
Feb 2012

it looks a bit prose at first glance but with the enjambment and a great metaphor,comes over as prose poetry when read, the narration is excellent,
i won't suggest shorter lines because i'm of a mind you intended it to be laid out the way it is. (and it does read well as is)

the narration gets the reader involved in the experience, i have never heard of the phrase 'spiteful coffee' but i will remember it always from now on. it's a good piece of writing, my only suggestion (i know, i said wouldn't mention it ) would be to shorten the lines and break it up into three or four stanza, but like i said, i'm sure that's not what you intended.

thanks for the read.
billy.


ps, i'll give a some more reads the better to enjoy it.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to break all my own rules and just say I really enjoyed this. I think the form is perfect for the narrative style, it fuses genres very well and it works as both a literal story and allegory. I ran out of sugar this morning myself, so the dilemma became more of a personal one for me!

I am particularly fond of:

"We look at each other. Knowingly. Smugly even. We don't need sugar, you see:
And we are pleased."

These lines make coffee a very political topic and I love the possibilities.

Thanks very much for posting, I greatly enjoyed the read.

Hey TT,

A slight plea. If you are going to insist on these insanely long lined things, please do not cap the start of the next line unless it is the start of a sentence. Danka!

This is an excellent line:

"The coffee we ordered is spiteful."

However it makes the following somewhat redundant, or obsolete as it really needs no explication.

"Its taste irritates me. It has spent too long
In its own glass tomb, reduced to a black buzz of caffeine and sugared necessity.
Sugared. Made to taste better by added sweetness; hiding the bitter essence."

Plus I feel you left that in because, 1. you are verbose, and 2. you couldn't let go of the "glass tomb" phrase.

Maybe keep one phrase:

"The coffee we ordered is spiteful, made to taste better by added sweetness."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Two more coffees, please."

This was initially unclear as to who was saying this. Maybe We say, "Two more coffees, please."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On a line...way down there somewhere (I refuse to count that high), you say "We do not look". Maybe in keeping with the spirit of the poem you should write,

"We look, but we do not look."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This reminds me of Philip Larkin, and as his lines run like:

"Once I am sure there's nothing going on
I step inside, letting the door thud shut.
Another church: matting, seats, and stone,
And little books; sprawlings of flowers, cut"

Maybe you could consider reducing your line lenght slightly, such as :


"We're looking at each other, sitting here beside the big window.
Here, we can watch the outside people churning and flying around.
We are in a box that surrounds and protects us behind its thick,
safe glass wall; we are looking out at those looking in.
The coffee we ordered is spiteful: made to taste better by added sweetness."

You might want to consider some editing, possibly dropping the perfect tense.
To me it seems cumbersome and does not really enhance the poem
(although I am sure there are those who will disagree,
and as it is purely a matter of personal taste I can not argue ).
You can maintain the same terse quality without it. Example:

"We look at each other as we sit beside the big window.
We watch the people outside churning and flying around.
(a pithy metaphor would not be inappropriate, maybe something about unstrung kites, or the like)
We are in a box that surrounds and protects us, we sit safely
behind its thick glass wall: we look out at those looking in.
The coffee we ordered is spiteful: made to taste better
by the added sweetness of the difficult to obtain, 'sugar'."
(Thus emphasizing the role of 'sugar' in the drama that will shortly ensue)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Hardly inspired critiquing I'll admit, but the best I've got at the moment.

Cheers,

Dale

(02-07-2012, 04:54 AM)Leanne Wrote:  I'm afraid I'm going to have to break all my own rules and just say I really enjoyed this. I think the form is perfect for the narrative style, it fuses genres very well and it works as both a literal story and allegory. I ran out of sugar this morning myself, so the dilemma became more of a personal one for me!

I am particularly fond of:

"We look at each other. Knowingly. Smugly even. We don't need sugar, you see:
And we are pleased."

These lines make coffee a very political topic and I love the possibilities.

Thanks very much for posting, I greatly enjoyed the read.

Thanks Leanne. I hope you are not being over easy on me though I am sure that once erthona finds me he will redress the balance!
I have an ongoing problem with line length which stems from the Byronic belief that the spoken language should not be subhumed by the written...accordingly I write, generally, in the way I would have the reader speak. Not always the right form for the wrong reader. I will be making changes to this piece as an experimental exercise using suggestions from all critiques. It May not survive...but I will.
Best,
Tectak

Tectak, fear not, I NEVER go easy in Serious Critique, I genuinely like to see something different. As to line lengths, if all of your poetry is exactly the same in format then I can see how it might get monotonous, but I find this quite an interesting change from regulation stanzas. I would never advocate breaking a line just because that's how a poem "should" look.

I'd probably agree with Erthona that the caps at the start of each line could be done away with, though.

(02-07-2012, 05:34 AM)Erthona Wrote:  Hey TT,

A slight plea. If you are going to insist on these insanely long lined things, please do not cap the start of the next line unless it is the start of a sentence. Danka!
Danka? You bloody Americans changing the rules of the game! The capitalization is,though, a lost cause. We Brits in our failed prose still hang on to our beloved old habits past the point of sensibility. The americans have won this one and I am going to have to straighten up and fly right.
This is an excellent line:

"The coffee we ordered is spiteful."

However it makes the following somewhat redundant, or obsolete as it really needs no explication.

"Its taste irritates me. It has spent too long
In its own glass tomb, reduced to a black buzz of caffeine and sugared necessity.
Sugared. Made to taste better by added sweetness; hiding the bitter essence."

Plus I feel you left that in because, 1. you are verbose, and 2. you couldn't let go of they're "glass tomb" phrase.
1)Yes but no. A metaphorical cameo thought. This is how the old boy felt pricked by the similarity to his life...in his own tomb,buzzing with unvoiced bitter thoughts,always feeling the need to "be sweet" outwardly. Also deliberate is sugared necessity. The coffee is bitter and will necessarily require sugar. It is not yet sweetened.
2) See (1) but I am pushing it!

Maybe keep one phrase:

"The coffee we ordered is spiteful, made to taste better by added sweetness."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Two more coffees, please."

This was initially unclear as to who was saying this. Maybe We say, "Two more coffees, please."
-Agreed though context will reveal.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On a line...way down there somewhere (I refuse to count that high), you say "We do not look". Maybe in keeping with the spirit of the poem you should write,

"We look, but we do not look." See?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This reminds me of Philip Larkin, and as his lines run like:

"Once I am sure there's nothing going on
I step inside, letting the door thud shut.
Another church: matting, seats, and stone,
And little books; sprawlings of flowers, cut"

Maybe you could consider reducing your line lenght slightly, such as :


"We're looking at each other, sitting here beside the big window.
Here, we can watch the outside people churning and flying around.
We are in a box that surrounds and protects us behind its thick,
safe glass wall; we are looking out at those looking in.
The coffee we ordered is spiteful: made to taste better by added sweetness."
Yes to all this except to last bit as explained.
You might want to consider some editing, possibly dropping the perfect tense.
To me it seems cumbersome and does not really enhance the poem
(although I am sure there are those who will disagree,
and as it is purely a matter of personal taste I can not argue ).
You can maintain the same terse quality without it. Example:

"We look at each other as we sit beside the big window.
We watch the people outside churning and flying around.
(a pithy metaphor would not be inappropriate, maybe something about unstrung kites, or the like)
We are in a box that surrounds and protects us, we sit safely
behind its thick glass wall: we look out at those looking in.
The coffee we ordered is spiteful: made to taste better
by the added sweetness of the difficult to obtain, 'sugar'."
(Thus emphasizing the role of 'sugar' in the drama that will shortly ensue)
-----Perfect tense is my salvation but you are quite correct I can only repeat my old mantra...I am not happy when it is me telling the story. The duality of "we" goes some way to nullifying the stress of first person and this makes perfect sense!-------------------------------------------------------
Hardly inspired critiquing I'll admit, but the best I've got at the moment.

Cheers,

Dale

Thanks as always...changes will follow if I can find out how to Edit!

There's an edit button at the bottom of each post -- in the critique forums we tend to find it best to leave the original there, but put the edited version above it so that people can see the progression of the poem. If you have a look at some other posts in here, you'll see what I mean.

Give us a shout if you have trouble, a mod can do it for you

First: 70 is the new 30, and don't anyone forget it!

The long lines were not a problem for me, I think because the whole thing is spoken, and thus resembles a piece of mini-theatre as much as a poem. August Strindberg could have made a play of it. For me, there was one touching phrase, about having another coffee 'If you do, I do'.

I can think of three different hotels with this level of service, all with glass frontages, looking onto the see. I think at waiter-school there must be special lessons devoted to somehow at the last minute turning away when someone wants something. I always think of it as a very British thing, the idea that waiting on someone is servile, and who do they think they are?

Thank you for your thoughts. I actually felt that the cameo as witnessed opened up three entirely unrelated aspects of human behaviour...you may see more and that is good. For very good reasons I put the piece up for criticism without a pre edit and am surprised by the diversity of interpretation by the commentaries todate. This only indicates to me that too much pre analysis causes post paralysis!
For my own part I was struck by the silent acceptance of common and honed thinking between the two customers. They did not need to co-analyse the witnessed event because they were of a mind.
" Sad and silent comes old age when thoughts become unspoken words. We just don't talk much any more, there's nothing we've not seen or heard"
Best,
Tectak

---

(02-07-2012, 12:48 AM)billy Wrote:  Hi tectek, to reply to the post above you, just scroll to the bottom of the page and put your text in there.
to reply to a post higher than the one above you, click on new reply and answer outside the quoted text. or, delete part of the text and reply outside the quotes. hope it helps.

---

(02-06-2012, 10:57 PM)tectak Wrote:  An interesting day when I was seventy-two.

We're looking at each other, sitting here, beside the big window. Here we can watch
The outside people churning and flying around. We are in a box that surrounds and protects us why not contract the we are as in the 1st line?Yes for uniformity but no for colloquiality!
Behind its thick, safe glass wall; we are looking out at those looking in.
The coffee we ordered is spiteful. Its taste irritates me. It has spent too long
In its own glass tomb, reduced to a black buzz of caffeine and sugared necessity. [b]this and the line above are superb, strong image
Sugared. Made to taste better by added sweetness; hiding the bitter essence.
We don't touch. People are looking. They only see what we want them to see.
We don't speak. People are listening. They only hear what they want to hear.
A man behind us calls for sugar. I hear him. We don't have any sugar.
The waiter has the sugar franchise....but he doesn't hear.
The man is in withdrawal. He must have sugar. Everyone hears him...but not the waiter.
We look at each other. Knowingly. Smugly even. We don't need sugar, you see:
And we are pleased. The man gets up and walks to the counter. His says his coffee is now cold.
We look out of the window to prove we are not interested. That's what we do.
Never show interest. The glass is thick and strong. No one outside is interested, either.
There are noises behind us but we don't hear a thing: well, we hear every word but we are not interested.
The man knocks over a chair and shouts. Outside a uniform runs towards the door.
We sip our vile coffee and grimace to each other. Shall we go? Do you want another? If you do, I do, too.
From the reflection in the window I can see that the uniform is holding on to the man.
The waiter comes back. Two more coffees, please. The waiter is not listening.
The man is still shouting as the uniform takes him outside, past the glass.
We do not look. The uniform is holding the man by one arm as he hauls him away.
The waiter looks offended. He shrugs to no one and quickly scans the room.
Two more coffees, please. Loudly this time.The waiter nods to me and starts towards us.
I look away and in the reflection the waiter veers off and disappears from view again.
We do not talk as we wait. And wait. The uniform comes back and asks us if we saw what happened.
We saw nothing. The coffee comes in five minutes. The waiter looks up as he puts down the cups.
He asks if we want sugar but he is looking away from me; so I turn away, too. Yes, please.
The coffee cools as we wait for the sugar we don't want....but it doesn't arrive. We leave the cold coffee.
Without talking we get up and gather our shopping. [our shopping]We leave without paying for the coffee we didn't drink. Done
Going home in the winter cold, we hold hands. We do not talk, even though it was an interesting day.
Tectak
Feb 2012

it looks a bit prose at first glance but with the enjambment and a great metaphor,comes over as prose poetry when read, the narration is excellent,
i won't suggest shorter lines because i'm of a mind you intended it to be laid out the way it is. (and it does read well as is)

the narration gets the reader involved in the experience, i have never heard of the phrase 'spiteful coffee' but i will remember it always from now on. it's a good piece of writing, my only suggestion (i know, i said wouldn't mention it ) would be to shorten the lines and break it up into three or four stanza, but like i said, i'm sure that's not what you intended.

thanks for the read.
billy.


ps, i'll give a some more reads the better to enjoy it.

All much appreciated. Those who know me know that I get way too wordy in anything written in first person or fp perfect. This manifests itself in long lines!
I did not pre edit this piece and so am relying on the critics to carry out this onerous task for me! So far my prima donna tendancies have remained in their grave where I buried them many years ago.
Thanks again,
Tectak[/b]