Painted sails of paper boats
toss on horizons
where the kites of nostalgia
tug and struggle
with Bernoulli effects;
you have to run as fast as you can
into the wind,
you see,
and let go.
This is best done
near a cliff top
but parallel to, not
towards the edge,
where the winds swirl
and billow the legs
of white shorts
and splay the hair of girls
to curling mermaid tresses
salt stings grazed knees
and seagrass cuts bitter
as sherbet lemons
sucked until the tongie bleeds.

Illustrations, some coloured-in
quite carefully really,
although lines are crossed
in places
imprints of nail-bitten fists,
white knuckles clamped
around Lakeland pencil-crayons
swept into the fantastic
world of fin de siecle storyland.
Who would have thought Aubrey
as dissolute a Decadent
as all the others who produced
the wonders encased
in delicious
inherited hardbacked volumes.



101 Things for Bright Young Poets to do No.3

i'm still trying to speed the site up stef but will get back with some crit later. i did like the first couple of reads though

(11-05-2011, 05:42 AM)billy Wrote:  i'm still trying to speed the site up stef but will get back with some crit later. i did like the first couple of reads though

I thought it was just me- we are on a slow connection out here in the sticks on the edge of the world.

hey! just wanted to have a look

(11-05-2011, 05:02 AM)Ca ne fait rien Wrote:  Painted sails of paper boats ..this opening drew me in
toss on horizons
where the kites of nostalgia
tug and struggle
with Bernoulli effects; ..these first five lines have a lot going on. without punctuation, the poem sped me up a little faster than I would have liked
you have to run as fast as you can
into the wind,
you see, ..yet here, I don't know if you need the comma
and let go.
This is best done..do you need the "done"...
near a cliff top ..and the "top" here? could you do without it, or maybe change the preposition "near" or "on"? again, just suggestions, but I do feel the poem works well, and may even be strengthened, without them.
but parallel to, not
towards the edge,..I understand the instructive nature of these two lines, but they detracted from the poem for me. Maybe they are too technical, too specific in a poem that has so many broader things happening.
where the winds swirl
and billow the legs
of white shorts
and splay the hair of girls
to curling mermaid tresses..after this line, I think some kind of breakup would be helpful. A space. a period. the focus of your images changes. of course, you may prefer the effect of everything blending together.
salt stings grazed knees..like the shift from /t/'s to /z/'s
and seagrass cuts bitter..played with moving "bitter" down to introduce the next line
as sherbet lemons
sucked until the tongie bleeds. ..I don't know why, but the violence of the scene really became clear to me with this "bleeds". It's the red image intermixed with the lemons that really stands out. It's strong, possibly even too strong for the piece

..overall, really enjoyed this half

Illustrations, some coloured-in
quite carefully really,..hmm
although lines are crossed
in places
imprints of nail-bitten fists,
white knuckles clamped
around Lakeland pencil-crayons
swept into the fantastic
world of fin de siecle storyland.
Who would have thought Aubrey
as dissolute a Decadent
as all the others who produced
the wonders encased
in delicious
inherited hardbacked volumes.
..I may need to come back to this stanza at another time. It lacked something for me that the first stanza had. the first half gave me a moment, this one seems a little more general. sorry I can't be more helpful right now


101 Things for Bright Young Poets to do No.3

(11-05-2011, 05:02 AM)Ca ne fait rien Wrote:  Painted sails of paper boats
toss on horizons
where the kites of nostalgia
tug and struggle
with Bernoulli effects;
you have to run as fast as you can
into the wind,
you see, is this line strong enough to be on it's own or would it work better moved up?
and let go. this one looks week but isn't this feels as though it should have it's own line.
This is best done
near a cliff top
but parallel to, not i like the ambiguity in this. was it intended i wonder.
towards the edge,
where the winds swirl
and billow the legs great image in these 3 lines.
of white shorts
and splay the hair of girls
to curling mermaid tresses should there be a period or something at the end of this line?
salt stings grazed knees
and seagrass cuts bitter
as sherbet lemons
sucked until the tongie bleeds. tongue, i love sherbet lemons

Illustrations, some coloured-in
quite carefully really,
although lines are crossed
in places
imprints of nail-bitten fists,
white knuckles clamped
around Lakeland pencil-crayons
swept into the fantastic
world of fin de siecle storyland.
Who would have thought Aubrey
as dissolute a Decadent
as all the others who produced
the wonders encased
in delicious
inherited hardbacked volumes.
i think this verse excellent. i also think it needs a period after places.

101 Things for Bright Young Poets to do No.3

not a lot of constructive ideas on this steff. for me it lacks a few periods, even though i see you're going the light grammar route.
i do hope aubrey is generic. i think i must be a little bit aubrey after reading this.

the whole poem has a feel of freedom within it. the latter verse really does make me think of poe and the like in a good way. and of aubrey in a better way. i think the last verse is also able too stand alone as a singular piece, but that doesn't mean i think it should be split.
thanks for the read. wish i could be more help

I'm afraid I'm not cultured enough to appreciate the theme of the poem and the many references I'm sure I've missed, but I did enjoy the eccentric rhythm, how you lose yourself in lyrical conveyance. Richer than a Belgian bakery. Thanks for the read.

Thanks everyone-
Billy, definitely needs some tidying up with grammar and punctuation- when I wrote this I was in an experimaental learning curve

Thanks Philatone, yes- I see what you mean- with the benifit of distance I see that it is almost two poems, but needs some kind of link between the first and second stanzas, and moredifferent line breaks.

Thanks, Heslopian- if you get chance, the art and life of Aubrey Beardsley is very interesting... I though he was just a children's illustrator before I read the book, although I did know about the erotica because I used to work in an archive which housed some of his prints.

Billy- also- it is specific to Aubrey Beardsley, but generally to the fin de siecle artists and poets. I find them fascinating both their work and lives

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aubrey_Beardsley