Walk with me to a bank beside
A river rippling running slow,
Where wild and wary wood-things hide,
In trees and roots and holes below.

Walk with me there, yet do not stay;
Begone before the setting sun
Farewells for me the split of day
And the dusk and night and the peace,
the peace so wearily won.

Walk once again to my abode,
Wander wide and wander whither
Piers poppy-pastures ploughed;
Find my lych, and bring it thither;
lay it there,
and leave:
my child.

{Note: I had in mind Piers Plowman}

(11-03-2011, 10:59 AM)abu nuwas Wrote:  Walk with me to a bank beside
A river rippling running slow, does it need a comma after rippling?
Where wild and wary wood-things hide,
In trees and roots and holes below.

Walk with me there, yet do not stay;
Begone before the setting sun
Farewells for me the split of day
And the dusk and night and the peace, the first 'and' feels forced, not sure how to fix it with screwing over the meter.
the peace so wearily won. it feels to have a strong poetic feel to it, in order to keep the meter would 'o' work before the peace?

Walk once again to my abode,
Wander wide and wander whither
Piers poppy-pastures ploughed;
Find my lych, and bring it thither;
lay it there,
and leave:
my child.
this last verse feels so daunting yet not sad. the burial request is a poignant one, i can't see anything i think could be improved.

{Note: I had in mind Piers Plowman}

the assonance and alliteration are excellent. specially the assonance so that part works well with the plowman theme. know only that it was classed as a great literary piece, with lots of assonance, i can't compare any further the two pieces

The poem captures an idyllic scene, i like that you kept it modern, (lych fitted in because of the occasion, beautiful word) the rhyme felt free and unforced when used.

good poems are not so easy to critique. This one was hard for me to give some constructive feedback on, and those points are just ideas or suggestions for your perusal

thanks for the read

Billy wrote

the assonance and alliteration are excellent. specially the assonance so that part works well with the plowman theme. know only that it was classed as a great literary piece, with lots of assonance, i can't compare any further the two pieces

Billy, I was only concenred to demystify the entrance of Piers, like, 'Who he?' I had had in mind that this place might have been farmed by PP and his like, but I was not attempting to emulate Anglo-Saxon poetry -- if I had, I would not have to be mulling over your punctuation suggestions. The meter, if that is the word, has so many irregularities that I probably will not touch it, otherwise, it would be never-ending.

I wonder now just how and when punctuation developed......

Thanks for reading.

As a poem resonant of the WW1 poets, it made the hairs on my neck stand up.

Particularly liked 'split of day'
and 'Piers' poppy-pasture ploughed'' says such a lot in terms of oh- I dunno- history as a field to be cultivated, we are all clay, the fields of Flanders, lost innocence, lost (ideals) of paradise etc etc.

Last lines 'leave my child, ' leave. my child' deliciously ambiguous and poignant.

Thank you, Stef,

But hang on...what will Leanne say about this type of crit? While the cat's away....

The 'split' business really comes from a similar word in the Qur'an, in the last chapter, I think.

(11-03-2011, 08:13 PM)abu nuwas Wrote:  Billy wrote

the assonance and alliteration are excellent. specially the assonance so that part works well with the plowman theme. know only that it was classed as a great literary piece, with lots of assonance, i can't compare any further the two pieces

Billy, I was only concenred to demystify the entrance of Piers, like, 'Who he?' I had had in mind that this place might have been farmed by PP and his like, but I was not attempting to emulate Anglo-Saxon poetry -- if I had, I would not have to be mulling over your punctuation suggestions. The meter, if that is the word, has so many irregularities that I probably will not touch it, otherwise, it would be never-ending.

I wonder now just how and when punctuation developed......

Thanks for reading.

i did try and say " i liked that you kept it modern" and differentiated between it and the one archaic word lych, which i loved. sorry if it wasn't clearer

i see what you say about the meter.

(11-03-2011, 09:51 PM)abu nuwas Wrote:  Thank you, Stef,

But hang on...what will Leanne say about this type of crit? While the cat's away....

The 'split' business really comes from a similar word in the Qur'an, in the last chapter, I think.

LOL -Is she listening? I'll find a nit...

Well, I did have a bit of a problem with 'whither'. Grammatically, of course it is used correctly, but I suppose one gets used to it more in an interrogative sense (whither dost thou wander?' ) I almost read it as 'whether' which seemed to fit as well. I lie archauc language lots, but hither thither and whither always seem a bit tongue in cheek because of the way in which they are sometimes used humorously in modern speech.
I am waffling.

That is a bit better!

I of course intended it to be 'olde worlde', and the language to reflect that. I know that many feel that in the 21st century, we should write in modern ways. Apart from secretly trying to keep these rare breeds going, I also sincerely believe that archaic, or archaistic, language should be, like slang, or the specialised lingo of different areas or professions or trades, available -- exactly like a large box of water-colours. For what reason would a person throw away the cobalt blue? De da de da de da......

i missed wither and thither as being archaic, though i know they are. have to say i didn't see them that way and felt they were modern

Actually I couldn't see any real archaic language here at all, just old fashioned poetic language of the good kind. It is hard to criticise something better than I could write, maybe I could say it should be more in meter, but then I personally like disturbed metre , not to say free verse, so it doesn't niggle me, but mght true Chaucerian scholars.


Whilst somene uses the words and others understand them they can't be archaic, can they? A lot of words used here in Yorkshire everyday have roots back in Old Danish (I suppose).
Hither, thither, whither, whence, thence, etc along with thee thou are still used up here admittedly by older folk mainly but not allus.

I don't know when unused becomes archaic: obviously, it varies by region. My children and grand-children often are bemused by speech which comes naturally to me -- but then, my father was thirteen when Queen Victoria died, so I picked up some peculiar locutions.

I am v flattered, thanks.

(11-03-2011, 10:59 AM)abu nuwas Wrote:  Walk with me to a bank beside -- This is a good opening line, but I wonder if you'd consider an "O" address to begin? Just to plunge the reader in a little faster to the meter.
A river rippling running slow, -- I would tend to break up the "ing" endings for sonics alone, and use "a rippling river", only that phrase is slightly more cliched -- the problem (and it's a little one) with "rippling running" is that with the alliteration and the similar endings it seems slightly too "trying to be poetic"
Where wild and wary wood-things hide, -- the alliteration is beautiful in this line
In trees and roots and holes below.

Walk with me there, yet do not stay;
Begone before the setting sun
Farewells for me the split of day
And the dusk and night and the peace, -- this feels to me as if it needs a two-syllable modifier before "peace", along the lines of "silent" (though not that, obviously, just with similar meter) -- "and the" is a hurried phrase that speeds up the line and I feel it needs something to build the crescendo to lead into the soft following line
the peace so wearily won.

Walk once again to my abode,
Wander wide and wander whither
Piers poppy-pastures ploughed; -- you could try "Piers in poppy-pastures" to break up that heavy alliteration just slightly and to aid meter
Find my lych, and bring it thither;
lay it there,
and leave:
my child. -- beautiful, sad and surprising ending -- this puts a different spin on the peace and made me re-read the poem, so I picked up an entirely different set of connotations, which is what a poem ought to do

Lovely stuff, Edward.

hey!
havent read the other comments thoroughly, so that being said:

(11-03-2011, 10:59 AM)abu nuwas Wrote:  Walk with me to a bank beside
A river rippling running slow, ..the "ing"'s, so close together, distracted me a bit. Do like the word choice, but not certain about the participles
Where wild and wary wood-things hide, .."wild and wary" I felt was very accurate.
In trees and roots and holes below. .. like the "and"'s

Walk with me there, yet do not stay; ..do you need the "there"?
Begone before the setting sun ..melodic word choice, nice effect
Farewells for me the split of day
And the dusk and night and the peace, ..here, I think the "ands"' may be too much. not sure why. maybe it is because there is another line after. but I wonder if that line is even necessary? how was it wearily process? I'm not sure what is added by it.
the peace so wearily won.

Walk once again to my abode,
Wander wide and wander whither
Piers poppy-pastures ploughed;
Find my lych, and bring it thither;
lay it there,
and leave: ..i'm not sure if you need the colon to enhance effect. having "my child" on a line by itself works just fine for me, stylistically.
my child. a good ending regardless

..the final sounds of these lines didn't mesh as well as the others for me. I think it is the -er endings, which receive a rather strong emphasis. Swapping the words (.e.g, Wander whither and wander wide) could work. just my opinion.
{Note: I had in mind Piers Plowman}

hope this is helpful. nicely written