a song

I'm just another dole queue devotee
Wasting my time on your money.
Never worked a single day,
Dreaming of the perfect lay.

All night I wait up for the sun
Then to my cold white bed I run.
Dole queue day is that one land
During which my skin is tanned.

No respect for life or love,
No belief in God above,
The universe is three houses:
My own, the pub, dole offices.

And if these streets grow tiresome,
Repeating each day troublesome,
I'll make a Valium smoothie
then shuffle off in ecstacy.

I'm just another dole queue devotee
Wasting my time on your money.
Never worked a single day,
Dreaming of the perfect lay.

Jack,
IMO, you have some pretty good basic imagery going on here. I like that first line; highlighting "devotee," as opposed to reluctant recipient. Since you point out this is a song, I choose not to critique meter, for even as a layman I understand music often dictates metric flow which can be much different than simply reading the same lines.

Sid

I'm even less than a layman, Sid. I wrote the first verse as an attempted piss take of the band Oasis then just ran with it. I don't know anything about musical composition so I just sort of followed my own idiosyncratic rhythm. That's why I put it in the fun section. Structurally it's complete bollocks

Is this to the tune of a particular Oasis song? Or just a style parody?

The first verse is a reference to what their early songs were about. I'm afraid I wouldn't know how to replicate any of their tunes

The repetition of the first stanza in the end works. Strophe 4 is my fave.

(09-30-2011, 04:29 AM)Heslopian Wrote:  I'm even less than a layman, Sid...I don't know anything about musical composition...

I doubt that but if it's true then I must say, you possess a pretty good natural sense of rhythm, as this is pretty-tight-mostly-tetrameter throughout. The only bumpy points I see are S1L2, S3L3, S4L3, and S5L2 where these final feet become somewhat stretched out. Like I said, in songs this is not as much of a problem. These points are often over-looked if the music is good.

Sid