Posts: 30
Threads: 19
Joined: Feb 2010
I-
Like my eggs
Fried in sky,
Broken on
Mountains, or
Nail-tipped Horizons
And spread
On an azure Pan,
Buttered with clouds.
I-
Like to watch
The yellow yoke,
Ascend the Atlantic
Stopping, then
Plopping down
Onto my plate,
Quiet and cool.
The blinking planes
And sailing ships
Are sweet, but
Nothing beats
The meals
Of the east.
Feels a little rushed, but...any comments?
"To risk is to lose your footing. To avoid risk is to lose yourself"
-Soren Kierkegaard
Posts: 805
Threads: 374
Joined: Dec 2009
I love this. So pleasant and totally original, and it leaves me with a good feeling after reading. The closing lines are spot-on.
Right now, I can only see a few eensy details to change... I don't think you need the commas at the end of your lines. The line breaks already put the pauses for you. You mentioned that it feels rushed; I didn't think so, but if you really feel that way there's nothing stopping you adding another stanza after the fourth one describing how finally "eating"(figuratively, of course) and "enjoying the sunrise".
I might be able to think of more constructive critiques later as I re-read it a few more times, but I think this is wonderful. Thanks for posting this
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
(02-14-2010, 02:25 AM)Larry Wrote: I-
Like my eggs
Fried in sky,
Broken on
Mountains, or
Nail-tipped Horizons
And spread
On an azure Pan,
Buttered with clouds.
I-
Like to watch
The yellow yoke,
Ascend the Atlantic
Stopping, then
Plopping down
Onto my plate,
Quiet and cool.
The blinking planes
And sailing ships
Are sweet, but
Nothing beats
The meals
Of the east.
Feels a little rushed, but...any comments?
not a lot to say regards improving the piece. for me it's almost a done deal.
love the originality, the airy lightness, the metaphors and similes were excellent. i loved your use of assonance in
stopping and plopping
end comma's you don't really need them as the line break works as one.
caps on every sentence, the rule isn't hard and fast but many think it spoils the concentration and the run on. a cap denotes a new sentence.
many don't use any caps or any grammar. the rule is, if you use grammar use it properly (the end comma being the exception)
is the line;
are sweet, but a new sentence.
i really enjoyed the reading of it larry, excellent stuff.
for me it just needs about two minutes work (re end commas and caps to make it publishable.)
after another re-read i think it would do well with no grammar. the poem stands alone without need of it.
the line breaks are perfect. jmo
