Please step away from the door
this train is about to depart
if you have no destination in mind
there is no end to this line

the world outside my window
blurred with a thickening frost
standing waves of moving places
imposed and distorted my thought

Please move your bags aside
the doors cannot close
don't contemplate those needful things
and surrender to all your woes

I saw distant conviction
A dilapidated structure
chemically stained with human regret
resonating as it ruptured

Please remain seated
I think the conductor is lost
he was reaching for a map
and pressed the emergency stop

born and bred a thundering steed
I was forged with fire
I ride alone down these tracks
leaving behind what you desire.

Interesting how you made it so the moving train doubles as both a metaphor and a weary POV spectator. I'm even interested in the conductor... is he supposed to be just some guy/leader of men/god (the last option is particularly intriguing)? If this is meant to be a proper metered poem, it's still clunky and uneven at spots... anyway it's your choice to edit the meter, or just make it free verse (imo I hope the former). Thanks for sharing

(07-27-2011, 11:54 AM)addy Wrote:  Interesting how you made it so the moving train doubles as both a metaphor and a weary POV spectator. I'm even interested in the conductor... is he supposed to be just some guy/leader of men/god (the last option is particularly intriguing)? If this is meant to be a proper metered poem, it's still clunky and uneven at spots... anyway it's your choice to edit the meter, or just make it free verse (imo I hope the former). Thanks for sharing

Hi Addy well.. i am not good with proper meter.. it is something I am working on and it coming out somewhat metered is accidental... I have to study what proper meter means.

yes you are correct about the conductor

---

** The way I intended it to be read was for the first two lines of each stanza to be choppy with the remaining two read as one.

(07-27-2011, 11:07 AM)ckeo Wrote:  Please step away from the door
this train is about to depart
if you have no destination in mind
there is no end to this line

the world outside my window
blurred with a thickening frost
standing waves of moving places
imposed and distorted my thought i like this verse. as though it's the landscape that's moving

Please move your bags aside
the doors cannot close
don't contemplate those needful things
and surrender to all your woes again, i like this one as well

I saw distant conviction
A dilapidated structure
chemically stained with human regret
resonating as it ruptured

Please remain seated
I think the conductor is lost
he was reaching for a map
and pressed the emergency stop

born and bred a thundering steed
I was forged with fire
I ride alone down these tracks
leaving behind what you desire.

i also enjoyed the last two verse. for me you're getting there,

i think an end rhyme scheme would help.
the main thing that would help with this one is meter. we'll see if we can get some meter exercises going in the pig's arse (join it through your user cp )

thanks for the read.

The meter in this is very close to Limerick style, whose lines have metric feet of 3, 3, 2, 2, 3. Your third lines have approximately 4 feet, which makes them read the same as lines 3 and 4 of a Limerick.
If you wish to give this poem a serious feel, I would re-work the meter slightly.

Sid

(07-27-2011, 11:07 AM)ckeo Wrote:  Please step away from the door
this train is about to depart
if you have no destination in mind
there is no end to this line

the world outside my window
blurred with a thickening frost
standing waves of moving places
imposed and distorted my thought Would this line work better if you made "thought" plural? As it is it seems oddly truncated.

Please move your bags aside
the doors cannot close
don't contemplate those needful things Excellent line. Feels knowing and classical.
and surrender to all your woes

I saw distant conviction
A dilapidated structure
chemically stained with human regret
resonating as it ruptured Great verse. Reminds me of Philip Larkin's poem "The Whitsun Weddings." "Chemically stained" is an excellent choice of words.

Please remain seated
I think the conductor is lost
he was reaching for a map
and pressed the emergency stop Nice and crisp stanza.

born and bred a thundering steed
I was forged with fire
I ride alone down these tracks
leaving behind what you desire. Is the full stop needed? The poem doesn't have any other punctuation so I don't see what purpose it serves. Other than that a brilliant close ckeo. Fiery and mythical, a fitting end to the urban mundanity which precedes it.

Good poem ckeo, thanks very much for the read.

(07-27-2011, 11:07 AM)ckeo Wrote:  Please step away from the door
this train is about to depart
if you have no destination in mind
there is no end to this line

the world outside my window
blurred with a thickening frost
standing waves of moving places
imposed and distorted my thought

Please move your bags aside
the doors cannot close
don't contemplate those needful things
and surrender to all your woes

I saw distant conviction
A dilapidated structure
chemically stained with human regret
resonating as it ruptured

Please remain seated
I think the conductor is lost
he was reaching for a map
and pressed the emergency stop

born and bred a thundering steed
I was forged with fire
I ride alone down these tracks
leaving behind what you desire.

I like the slant rhymes used throughout the poem.
I think the logic gets a bit hard to follow in the end (how can a steed be forged with fire, wouldn’t it become French luncheon meat instead?)
This poem has truly stood the rest of time

Hi ckeo,

I really like the rhythm this poem carries itself with, but my main problem with it is the lack of punctuation, or rather, inconsistent punctuation. I'm completely fine if this poem was supposed to have a loose feel to it, therefore calling for the omission of punctuation and caps, but the usage of it seems to be something the writer is not sure about. E.g. "A dilapidated structure" begins with a capitalized "A" but there's no period to conclude the previous line to indicate a's capitalization. You had some great sensory details in S3 & 2 especially, with the frost and standing waves. Overall, I enjoyed the read.

Best, Alex

The following are not poetic in my opinion. 
'Please remain seated"

"Please step away from the door
this train is about to depart"

"Please move your bags aside"

They could have been replaced by descriptions which indirectly will convey the picture to the reader.
 We always rush to convey our hot thoughts and skip basic needs. It's very "prose" I believe and that's why I will not go deeper.
The following is magnetizing, either if it is fully understood or not.
"standing waves of moving places"

Good lack

Punctuation aside its a great poem I think. It is flooded with metaphors that it makes you think where exactly the poem or train is going...haha. But what I got from it was comparing life and a moving train which are very similar. Great job!