cold, withering willow whisper

riveted, golden thought despair

sink, hollow ground deepening

blanket, golden sorrow repair

root, life eternal ground

leaf, rustle wind's sound.

~cK

interesting mood piece... you could glimpse a thread of narrative, but mostly you just give the reader fleeting impressions (i enjoyed the last two lines the most... imo they were the most effective). One suggestion I have is to change the word "riveted"... it's an adjective, doesn't really fit in with the other first words of your lines which are simple, self-evident, and sparse. Just imo

(07-25-2011, 09:37 AM)addy Wrote:  interesting mood piece... you could glimpse a thread of narrative, but mostly you just give the reader fleeting impressions (i enjoyed the last two lines the most... imo they were the most effective). One suggestion I have is to change the word "riveted"... it's an adjective, doesn't really fit in with the other first words of your lines which are simple, self-evident, and sparse. Just imo

Thank you Addy... I will search for a replacement for riveted

Hi Craig,

When I see sparse images like this. I think that the poem is supposed to deliver a mood. I think you do that here at points, but I think you can push it even further. I'm about to take some liberties to demonstrate what I mean (take this more as an example than a rewrite of your poem. If you do make cuts you know what's most important). I just hope a different view might be helpful. Here goes:

(07-22-2011, 12:29 PM)todd edit Wrote:  cold willow whisper

golden thought despair

hollow ground sink

golden sorrow blanket

root eternal ground

leaf rustle sound

Again drastic I know (I do sort of like cold willow whisper though). That said, I hope it might help you see this from another angle.

Best,

Todd