I do not have the heart for war,
yet peace finds restless feet.

Pacing on tacks my sentry runs circles of blood and elegant deceptions.
Outdated, posted pictures of drawn lines,
charcoal scrubbed clean beneath the smudges and antediluvian calm
of spotless fingernails.

chalked sidewalks talk beneath the facade
of grass
as phone lines serve for memory,
overgrown and silent.

the windowpane still beckons,
precious little moonbeams rapping caffeine keys
as I type our story into bedtime ritual,
tucking frayed edges in against the cold.

*novelty*
I shudder.

hindsight of the first admission,
liquescent on the uncircumcised tongue
scraped and gasped into this midnight of staccato longing.

taptaptapping
lacing your message into DNA,
curling it as a ribbon upon scissor blades.

step away from the window...

we are sowing the wind with bad seed,
with apathetic ire and retributions.

will give some feedback tomorrow as i'm pooped and my brain is now mush .

Brain smush - niiiiice of you to feed the zombies!:Relax:

Love the mood of this piece, with great undercurrents . Very nicely done.

(07-07-2011, 02:52 PM)Aish Wrote:  I do not have the heart for war,
and yet peace finds restless feet... excellent opener. i don't think you even need the "..."

pacing on tacks
my sentry runs circles of blood and elegant deceptions. Interesting balance of imagery
outdated, posted pictures of drawn lines,
charcoal scrubbed clean beneath the smudges and antediluvian calm
of spotless fingernails.

chalked sidewalks talk beneath the facade
of grass
as phone lines serve for memory,
overgrown and silent. I like how this description works for the grass, the phone lines, and even memory. I am terribly fond of this part for some reason.

the windowpane still beckons,
precious little moonbeams rapping caffeine keys i found it odd that you described the keys as caffeinated but that's just me
as I type our story into bedtime ritual,
tucking frayed edges in against the cold.

*novelty*
I shudder.

hindsight of the first admission,
liquescent on the uncircumcised tongue
scraped and gasped into the midnight of staccato longing.

taptaptapping
lacing your message into DNA,
curling it as a ribbon upon scissor blades.

step away from the window...

...we are sowing the wind with bad seed,
with apathetic ire and retributions. I like the open-endedness of this, which kind of matches the insomniac feeling

(07-07-2011, 02:52 PM)Aish Wrote:  I do not have the heart for war,
and yet peace finds restless feet... is 'and' needed, are '...' needed

pacing on tacks nice get away from the walking on nails cliché
my sentry runs circles of blood and elegant deceptions.
outdated, posted pictures of drawn lines,
charcoal scrubbed clean beneath the smudges and antediluvian calm
of spotless fingernails.
not sure antediluvian works as that period also encompassed the wiping out of man (apart from noa's crew) which i can't see as being calm, that said it was the beginning of time so it works in the metaphor, 'calm' just makes falter

chalked sidewalks talk beneath the facade
of grass
as phone lines serve for memory,
overgrown and silent.

the windowpane still beckons, is 'still' needed
precious little moonbeams rapping caffeine keys
as I type our story into bedtime ritual,
tucking frayed edges in against the cold.

*novelty*
I shudder.

hindsight of the first admission,
liquescent on the uncircumcised tongue
scraped and gasped into the midnight of staccato longing. not sure why but i struggled with this verse.

taptaptapping
lacing your message into DNA,
curling it as a ribbon upon scissor blades.

step away from the window... for me the poem ends here.

...we are sowing the wind with bad seed,
with apathetic ire and retributions. n

the last two lines feel a little trite for me
i like the the continuity of the theme throughout the poem. i got a sense of post apocalyptic, though i'm sure that's not case it worked as an added level for me. the title worked well with the body of the poem which i enjoyed. the window panes and moonlight in caffeine keys was a pretty image of being awake.

thanks for the read jmo.

Thank you both!

I removed 'and' from the 2nd line in S2. I left the ellipses, but I am pondering their effectiveness, especially since you both brought them up. When I wrote it I was thinking of the languid pause they evoke.
"Still" in S4 is meant to convey a continuation. I shall come back and read through again, to see how I like/dislike it with and without.
Billy, post apocalyptic works for me, on many levels. You saying it made me smile.
As far as antediluvian, I was thinking "pre-flood" as well as "antiquated" and in my head the calm worked.

I need to step back and see how effective this piece is. It is quite personal for me, but I do not want that to compromise how it translates for the reader. I appreciate every single thing you both have said, thank you!

no need to explain to me Aish. and i know better than most that the reader often gets it arse about tit. just go through it and do what you feel works.

what i do appreciate more than anything else, is that you realize when a few people remark about the same thing, you take note.
for me that's one of the smartest things a person can do when given multiple critiques and they point to the same thing. (of course it doesn't mean you should change it, just means it's worth having a look at )

Hello Aish,

I haven't read any of the comments (so as not to be influenced on the first take. So if you've already addressed something I apologize for being repetitious). Here goes:

(07-07-2011, 02:52 PM)Aish Wrote:  I do not have the heart for war,
yet peace finds restless feet...--Is the elipses necessary here? For me it interferes with the enjambment slightly, and I'm not sure if it adds much.
pacing on tacks--While I like the image and pacing works well with the title this line feels too abrupt and short when you read this out loud. It doesn't give the sense of pacing if that makes any sense. It could just be me, but I would consider pulling my sentry runs up to this line
my sentry runs circles of blood and elegant deceptions.
outdated, posted pictures of drawn lines,outdated and posted feels like one too many modifiers. Maybe cut posted
charcoal scrubbed clean beneath the smudges and antediluvian calm--I really like this line. I like the sense of the flood is coming but right now there is a sort of peace.
of spotless fingernails.

chalked sidewalks talk beneath the facade
of grass--again this short line feels too abrupt and choppy. Maybe pull "the facade" down to the beginning of this line. the facade of grass would sit really well as its own line.
as phone lines serve for memory,
overgrown and silent.--This entire strophe though is very visual and brooding. It might be my favorite in the poem

the windowpane still beckons,
precious little moonbeams rapping caffeine keys--another line break option: maybe break on rapping to emphasize the moonbeams' sound more. and start the next line with a "their caffeine keys"
as I type our story into bedtime ritual,--solid phrasing
tucking frayed edges in against the cold.

*novelty*
I shudder.

hindsight of the first admission,--good line
liquescent on the uncircumcised tongue--not a fan of liquescent. Possibly something simpler (hindsight is...of the uncircumcised tongue) though admittingly there's nothing wrong with the way you have it. It's probably just a style bias on my part
scraped and gasped into the midnight of staccato longing.--maybe one slight change here: "this midnight of staccato longing"

taptaptapping--makes me think of The Raven
lacing your message into DNA,
curling it as a ribbon upon scissor blades.[/b]--these two lines work really well. The image is great. The ribbon works with DNA on a few levels. Great writing[/b]

step away from the window...

...we are sowing the wind with bad seed,
with apathetic ire and retributions.--window and wind work well as a sort of echo. I don't really like the elipses here at all. I also think that ending on bad seed would be much stronger. It's a powerful image whereas apathetic ire and retributions just seems a bit too telling.

So now the disclaimer, use what you like and ignore the rest. I hope some of these comments will be helpful to you. I enjoyed the read.

Best,

Todd

Hi, Todd!

I have put some of the suggestions into use, and will ponder more on the rest. I will say I'm going to leave the ending as is - simply because it wound up being prophetic. Thank you, thank you, everyone for the wonderful feedback!!!