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Why did you kill me?
Hostility?
Rejection?
Envy?
- Enough to commit murder?
Didn't you know
Death isn't a silly,
Five minute long, quarrel?
It comes once and for all.
I forgive you, my brother, for it.
I have no regrets - I am dead.
Of course, you should know,
If I could I would kill you once more.
So pity,
Death comes once and for all.
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Ris Yerg
I'm not a fan of questions in poetry.
I don't like to feel as though I'm be addressed directly.
This needs some anger in it. I'm not a fan of turning the other cheek.
That's just my opion tho.
Sorry I could be of more help.
Good luck with this
David
Posts: 197
Threads: 78
Joined: Jan 2011
Hi, David!
No worry!
You can "like" or "dislike" anything.
And I can write all what I want.
Thus we both in the same boat, Ha-ha! Are we? Ha-ha!
About this piece, well, at least right now I'm not going to do any explanations. For what? People usually have the same opinion about 100$ bill, Ha-ha!, but poetry.
Thanks for reading and comment. Interesting one, indeed!
Best regards, R.Y.
Posts: 805
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Joined: Dec 2009
Interesting idea, that with the state of death seeps out color and passion. I like what I'm seeing with it... at some points it could be tightened up but still good.
(06-30-2011, 03:07 PM)Ris Yerg Wrote: Why did you kill me?
Hostility?
Rejection? maybe you can take out these question marks and just leave the one after envy
Envy?
- Enough to commit murder? You don't need this line, imo
Didn't you know
Death isn't a silly,
Five minute long, quarrel?
It comes once and for all.
I forgive you, my brother, for it.
I have no regrets - I am dead.
Of course, you should know,
If I could I would kill you once more.
So pity,
Death comes once and for all. Nice close
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
Posts: 5,057
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Joined: Dec 2009
(06-30-2011, 03:07 PM)Ris Yerg Wrote: Why did you kill me?
Hostility?
Rejection?
Envy?
- Enough to commit murder?
Didn't you know
Death isn't a silly,
Five minute long, quarrel?
It comes once and for all.
I forgive you, my brother, for it.
I have no regrets - I am dead.
Of course, you should know,
If I could I would kill you once more.
So pity,
Death comes once and for all.
it has a greater feeling than that of a single man's death, more the death or murder of an ideal or race. it's as if one subdued nation is doing the monologue interesting read R. Y.
thanks for the read.
Posts: 197
Threads: 78
Joined: Jan 2011
Addy, Billy!
Thanks a lot for very good comments!
Thanks!
R.Y.
