Within her soul, she carries grace
radiates an air of charm
As starlight carries night’s embrace
and comforts, with its warming calm

could beauty such as hers be told?
by word or script, of one as I
if so, let words I write be bold
and shout out with a longing sigh

for I will gladly take her pain
securing from her, harm and tear
whilst in so doing, only gain
and show intention of loves cheer

I offer all I hold within
my dreams and hopes for what could be
if she would acquiesce my sin
this sin that craves her come to me

this was one of the first poems i wrote.
i know lots of things that are wrong with it.
i've placed it here in the hope some of you
will comment as to how it could be improved and
what it's faults are.

The thing is, form-wise I find it to be a very solid piece. Good rhyme and rhythm.

If it has faults, it's only in the content, in that it's a tad cliche

I would also suggest that you rework the first verse... you spend two lines of it talking about starlight (if i understand correctly?) and kind of drifting away from the subject of the poem before jumping right back into talking about "her" in the second stanza. Or perhaps you were trying to compare "her" to the starlight at night, in which case I must have missed it

I don't care what you say, I still like it

(02-08-2010, 10:53 AM)addy Wrote:  The thing is, form-wise I find it to be a very solid piece. Good rhyme and rhythm.

If it has faults, it's only in the content, in that it's a tad cliche

I would also suggest that you rework the first verse... you spend two lines of it talking about starlight (if i understand correctly?) and kind of drifting away from the subject of the poem before jumping right back into talking about "her" in the second stanza. Or perhaps you were trying to compare "her" to the starlight at night, in which case I must have missed it

I don't care what you say, I still like it

thanks addy. poetry thankfully, doesn't have to be good to be liked :p
i'll let it be for another day or two and then do a crit of it myself.

thanks for taking the time to read and comment. and yep, it's cliche,
more than a tad even