Trauma… peace?
A Thousand differences; lost.
Longing; I close my eyes.
Breathing in rhythmic deep,
exhaling violence
some would hate,
resist?
Not me

Good morning Jack, and welcome!

You have good words here. I like the duality of trauma/peace and "exhaling violence". If you wanted to give it a little more impact, it's as simple as changing your punctuation and line lengths a bit -- for example, a comma or even a semi-colon after "longing", and perhaps instead of a comma between "hate, resist", you could break your line after "hate" and either put "resist" on a line of its own, or put it before "not me".

Thanks for posting

Thanks for the feedback i wasnt expecting some so fast, and in truth punctuation has always been somwhat of a weakspot for me, a agree with you on the "hate/resist" on seperate lines and will revise the poem paying more attention to structure and punctuation this time

hi MH
good to see your first poem.

(06-09-2011, 04:33 AM)Jack_MH Wrote:  Trauma… peace? A thousand different flicks,
Longing; I close my eyes.
Breathing in rhythmic deep,
exhaling violence
some would hate,
resist?
Not me

always try and put a tile to the poem.
it's a bit like posting a letter without an address otherwise.
for me it's needs one good image, i think what you have so far is well written. it feels you pose a question and to some extent answer it. we see you expel violence, which leads the reader to think you inhale peace.
as we do with carbon and oxygen.

thanks for the read.

Thanks , yeah i was wondering about what to have as a title, ill give it some more thought, and cheers for the pointers ill think it over and revise when iv got somthing

It took me several re-reads to really appreciate this piece. I love the unique thoughts you put into it... there's something active yet at the same time passive about achieving peace, like maybe it just happens when we're too damned tired to fight anymore?

I love pieces that make me think. Thanks for sharing

the revision though mild helps the flow, i'm glad you changed the flicks

That does make a difference, nice job

Well done
I really appreciated the lines ...
A Thousand differences; lost.
Breathing in rhythmic deep,
exhaling violence

Thank you for the read and Welcome to the forum