this is a poem about violence
broken spines
and
severed heads
and
bloody torsos
shining by the light of the moon
hung like a grotesque disco ball
and that...

how does one express futility
without defeating the object
of such a belief?

if you express you believe
that expression is good
that your words should be read

and isn't that a form of optimism?

still i continue to read
Cormac McCarthy
Patricia Highsmith
and the like

maybe we miserable fuckers
just like people to know
what miserabke fuckers we are

(02-20-2011, 11:05 AM)Heslopian Wrote:  this is a poem about violence
broken spines
and
severed heads
and
bloody torsos
shining by the light of the moon
like grotesque disco balls
and that...

how does one express futility
without defeating the object
of such a belief?

if you express you believe
that expression is good
that your words should be read

and isn't that a form of optimism?

still i continue to read
Cormac McCarthy
Patricia Highsmith
and the like

maybe we miserable fuckers
just like people to know
what miserabke fuckers we are

no line by line crit here.
it's a philosophical rant poem (i hate to see the words poem in a poem). though it's not too badly used in this one.
i loved the 'and that..' at the end of the 1st. it sort of made light of the non existent violence

the next two lines didn't do too much for me. maybe thats a good thing in a poem about futility

i love the way Cormac McCarthy and Patricia Highsmith were thrown into the pot. and it added to the last verse which is the tag line of the poem. they're really about self and work well. the 1st verse is hard to get to grips with but the latter part is a gem

jmo, thanks for the rad jack

Thank you for the feedback Billy I'm glad you appreciated this even if you don't like the genre as a whole. To be honest, I wrote the first on a whim and then didn't know what to do it, so hammering out the rest was a bit of an ordeal.

i guess i'm more of a poem by poem person, i only hate the cutting/teenage angst poems when they're badly written, and only then because i've read the bad one a million times by different people. it a poem feels original and makes some sort of sense to me the odds are i'll like it. some of the beat poet stuff i can take or leave as well.

Hi Jack,

This would be a great spoken word piece.

(02-20-2011, 11:05 AM)Heslopian Wrote:  this is a poem about violence--normally not the type of opening I like, but it works here
broken spines
and
severed heads
and
bloody torsos--I like this line break structure you've done here
shining by the light of the moon
like grotesque disco balls--I think you need to be singular here and maybe add hung to the opening of the line (hung like a grotesque disco ball)...very cool image
and that...--cool

how does one express futility
without defeating the object
of such a belief?

if you express you believe
that expression is good
that your words should be read--maybe move this line beneath "and isn't this a form of optimism?

and isn't that a form of optimism?--love this question

still i continue to read
Cormac McCarthy
Patricia Highsmith
and the like--the specific names in this make the lines pop

maybe we miserable fuckers
just like people to know
what miserabke fuckers we are--love the ending lines

Nice write Jack.

Best,

Todd

Thank you for your kind words and feedback Todd. I fucking love your edit to the disco ball line. I'll make the change as soon as I've finished this.