There’s a game of hide-and-seek going on.
It’s been fifteen years, and wouldn’t you guess it-
They still haven’t found the child.

He is curled up under a mattress
In the home of a stranger
Who no longer lives there.

But every night, the stranger visits-
Hovering above the bed like a spectre
Telling him to keep hidden, that it’s never safe-
That if he emerges, they’ll drag him somewhere darker
And then, he deserves what comes next.

The man is old. His eyes do not turn
Or close. His body, restless silver smoke.

Sometimes, he asks the child if he remembers.

But the child just lays there-
Hands-over-ears, eyes like fists
Clenching liquid, lips fighting
Invisible gags.

The stranger smiles.
Slowly, curtains part.

Light crawls in-
Like scorpions

me bad because i know it says final version

(02-15-2011, 11:29 PM)Lawrence Wrote:  There’s a game of hide-and-seek going on.
It’s been fifteen years, and wouldn’t you guess it-
They still haven’t found the child.

He is curled up under a mattress
In the home of a stranger
Who no longer lives there.

But every night, the stranger visits-
Hovering above the bed like a spectre
Telling him to keep hidden, that it’s never safe- this line has more power
That if he emerges, they’ll drag him somewhere darker
And then, he deserves what comes next. should it be 'he will'

The man is old. His eyes do not turn this line is more succinct
Or close. His body, restless silver smoke.

Sometimes, he asks the child if he remembers. the format of these three lines work better.

But the child just lays there-
Hands-over-ears, eyes like fists
Clenching liquid, lips fighting
Invisible gags. in truth i preferred the last version of this verse

The stranger smiles.
Slowly, curtains part.

Light crawls in-
Like scorpions

i've been think about this poem (i read it before breakfast,) and it has real feel of the the bruce willis film, the 6th sense.

that's the sinister quality it has.

i'm not sure about the "and wouldn't you guess it" thing in L2 but it reads better with it than without it.

the only real nit i have is the he in L5 and upon a final read i found that he does indeed work properly (my grammar skills suck big time) so please ingore the feedback about it.

while i did prever the 5th verse of the last edit to the 5th in this one. i have to say that's probably down to personal preference and not to be taken overly serious as i'm sure many would prefer this versions 5th.

so no nits as such though the thing in the 2nd line still niggles a little bit.

i have to say lawrence, i love this poem. the quality of the emotional ride is excellent. i have known adults where the child is still in hiding, unable to
to be set free from whatever demons they had to face. nicely done
thanks for the read.

Thank you, Billy. This is the first poem I've ever really "finished". I'd like no more major revisions, and, for the most part, I'm happy with the outcome.

Viva la Pig Pen

viva la poet.