Convalescing at home.
But I am not alone.

On my chest, young John Keats.
His romantic Light seeks
the Heart and Love Divine,
still yearned for in our time.

My right, Henry Thoreau.
Rebel against State. No!
Would not embrace the lies.
Genius through Nature’s eyes
glimpsed Redemption and Hope.
The Pine would help us Cope.

My left, Albert Camus.
Wrote of what ails us too.
He showed us our Fall
with our Human Call
for Fraud and Subterfuge
covered by Modern Rouge.

As I lie in my bed,
their Words live in my head.
And like the Surgeon’s Knife
that gave Light to my life.
What Fate that might have been?
Darkness without these men:
No Poems. No Books from Them.

not sure about all the capped words within the poem but the edit makes it a better piece for me. i think the verse breaks helps the flow. jmo

Thanks, Billy--jim

I'm skeptical of the adjective "young" because John Keats is nothing but young. He died when he was in his twenties, so I would take this into consideration.

The first period is a bit jarring. Would a comma work better?

"Genius through Nature’s eyes
glimpsed Redemption and Hope.
The Pine would help us Cope."

"My left, Albert Camus.
Wrote of what ails us too."

To me, this is your strongest couplet. "My left" gives me a nice picture.
Redemption and hope are very abstract. While some people enjoy abstractions, I prefer more concrete poetry.
Light to my life seems a little meh. Perhaps replace this with something different?

Hi,

My main issue with the piece revolves around the title.

I should say first that I love the title. It's very cool and draws me in. There is a part of me that feels that the poem needs to work with the title more and allow itself to get more drawn out. I also think it would be stronger if you didn't repeat the title in the body of the poem.

When we get down to how these writers live in the narrator's head and how like a surgeon's knife they give light to my (the narrator's) life, it feels a little too pat. A surgeon's knife brings healing but through the consequence of pain. I'd like to see you draw out the simile more I think the poem would be better for it.

Essentially, I want to see more of the payoff that the great title promises (obviously just my opinion). I hope it is somewhat helpful to you, if it isn't please ignore.

Best,

Todd

(02-08-2011, 12:01 AM)Lawrence Wrote:  I'm skeptical of the adjective "young" because John Keats is nothing but young. He died when he was in his twenties, so I would take this into consideration.

The first period is a bit jarring. Would a comma work better?

"Genius through Nature’s eyes
glimpsed Redemption and Hope.
The Pine would help us Cope."

"My left, Albert Camus.
Wrote of what ails us too."

To me, this is your strongest couplet. "My left" gives me a nice picture.
Redemption and hope are very abstract. While some people enjoy abstractions, I prefer more concrete poetry.
Light to my life seems a little meh. Perhaps replace this with something different?

Thank you, Lawrence. I do like some of your suggestions--truth is I'm still working on the poem, one of those poems I can't let go.

---

(02-09-2011, 05:27 AM)Todd Wrote:  Hi,

My main issue with the piece revolves around the title.

I should say first that I love the title. It's very cool and draws me in. There is a part of me that feels that the poem needs to work with the title more and allow itself to get more drawn out. I also think it would be stronger if you didn't repeat the title in the body of the poem.

When we get down to how these writers live in the narrator's head and how like a surgeon's knife they give light to my (the narrator's) life, it feels a little too pat. A surgeon's knife brings healing but through the consequence of pain. I'd like to see you draw out the simile more I think the poem would be better for it.

Essentially, I want to see more of the payoff that the great title promises (obviously just my opinion). I hope it is somewhat helpful to you, if it isn't please ignore.

Best,

Todd

Thank you, Todd, yes, some of the things you said are helpful--still working on this poem, by the way; however, in my opinion, yes, a surgeon's knife here is equated with these writers simply because they, like the surgeon shed light --yes, healing. Without the surgery, the narrator here would be dead but, like I said, still working on this piece that I thought was already finished. You've given me a couple of more things to think about too--and I do appreciate--jim