It’s quite like bird watching.
Except hopefully, without the binoculars.

You must master the art
Of appearing occupied in parks.
Perhaps open a newspaper on a bench
And pretend to read an article
About osteoporosis.

Peek furtively and quickly over the paper.
This is important because
When you toss a creature crumbs,
You remind him of the bigger meal.
Periodically, turn the page
For authenticity's sake.

Be champion of post-it notes
On lockers and windshields;
Lord of lilacs and roses
In lockers and on doorsteps.
Reveal yourself one pore per day,
Exercising subtlety in every step.

Cultivate suspense-
Become like the movement of air
Behind a slamming door.

When the time comes
It should feel like you’re pulling yourself
From a magician’s hat-

Just be prepared
To be put back.

had a quick read and i like it. will do a more in-depth crit later on.

Quote:It’s quite like bird watching. [normally i'd ask is 'quite' needed but i think it is here]
Except hopefully, without the binoculars. ['except' feels clunky]

You must master the art
Of appearing occupied in parks.
Perhaps open a newspaper on a bench
And pretend to read an article
About osteoporosis. [i love this line, it's inane and funny]

Peek furtively and quickly over the paper. [something more solid like 'headlines' instead of 'paper']
This is important because
When you toss a creature crumbs, [feels like it need more to make this and the next line work]
You remind him of the bigger meal.
Periodically, turn the page
For authenticity's sake. [great close again]

Be champion of post-it notes
On lockers and windshields;
Lord of lilacs and roses
In lockers and on doorsteps. ['lockers' the reiteration feels wrong]
Reveal yourself one pore per day, [love this line]
Exercising subtlety in every step.

Cultivate suspense-
Become like the movement of air
Behind a slamming door.

When the time comes
It should feel like you’re pulling yourself
From a magician’s hat- [two great triolets}

Just be prepared
To be put back.[for me the last couplet doesn't work]

i really do like this one. it's light and airy
farcical in a mister beanish sort but a little more up market.
it flows easily off the tongue and has originality.
doesn't need much of an edit to make it shine. (all jmo)
thanks for the read lawrence

Excellent poem. Witty and profound, deftly mixing comedy with genuine pathos.

(12-06-2010, 02:53 PM)Lawrence Wrote:  It’s quite like bird watching.
Except hopefully, without the binoculars. Is the comma needed?

You must master the art
Of appearing occupied in parks.
Perhaps open a newspaper on a bench
And pretend to read an article
About osteoporosis. Is this last line needed? It seems unecessary, especially "osteoporosis," which reads as though it's there simply to prove you know the word (IMHO).

Peek furtively and quickly over the paper.
This is important because
When you toss a creature crumbs, Would "a pigeon" work better? "Creature" contains two long syllables, which for me clutters the line.
You remind him of the bigger meal.
Periodically, turn the page
For authenticity's sake.

Be champion of post-it notes
On lockers and windshields;
Lord of lilacs and roses Beautiful line. So simple yet majestic and almost sensual.
In lockers and on doorsteps.
Reveal yourself one pore per day,
Exercising subtlety in every step.

Cultivate suspense-
Become like the movement of air
Behind a slamming door. Fantastic. Displaying a real gift for observation, this is the perfect simile; profound, emotional, and unique.

When the time comes
It should feel like you’re pulling yourself
From a magician’s hat-

Just be prepared
To be put back. Nice efficient finale.

Hey Lawrence,

Great Title! Let me give you some comments (and I know these may simply be a style choice on my part). I keep wanting this to be in couplets and three line strophes. There's something about the tone that feels like it wants lighter chunks when I start seeing 5-6 line strophes it just feels too weighty to me (I could be out of my mind here Lawerence). I hope you don't mind some extreme structural edits. I think the work is brilliant and this is only meant to serve as an option. Use what you like, ignore the rest.

(12-06-2010, 02:53 PM)Lawrence Wrote:  It’s quite like bird watching.
Except hopefully, without the binoculars.--Nice light non-stalkerish tone. It's funny

You must master the art
Of appearing occupied in parks.--Maybe break here. You may want to consider preoccupied instead to play off of the "p" in parks.

Perhaps open a newspaper on a bench
And pretend to read an article
About osteoporosis.--I don't think on a bench gives you much and for a break maybe on pretend. If you like the couplet idea maybe:

Perhaps open a newspaper and pretend
to read an article about osteoporosis.--the osteo bit is great.

I know this might be a lot to write but consider the new above couplet now look at your next line. You aren't adding much with it that hasn't been expressed in the earlier "Perhaps open a newspaper" why not connect some of the ideas and cut. Revising the above couplet again:

Perhaps peek furtively over a newspaper and pretend
to read an article about osteoporosis.


Peek furtively and quickly over the paper.--You saw my suggestion above. If you leave it like this I don't think and quickly adds much.
This is important because--You could cut this very prosey

When you toss a creature crumbs,--If you do remove the previous line you could lead this one with something like "Remember when..."
You remind him of the bigger meal.
Periodically, turn the page
For authenticity's sake.--I would consider pulling this up to the previous line and making a three line strophe out of it.

Be champion of post-it notes
On lockers and windshields;--maybe a break here

Lord of lilacs and roses
In lockers and on doorsteps.--again maybe a break here

Reveal yourself one pore per day,
Exercising subtlety in every step.--Maybe "with" every step. Love the lines here.

Cultivate suspense---I think you could cut this the other two lines are very strong and I think work better without the lead in
Become like the movement of air
Behind a slamming door.--some of the best lines in the poem.

When the time comes--again not sure you need this line
It should feel like you’re pulling yourself
From a magician’s hat---great image. Minor typo you need to include one more hypen for the emdash "--"

Just be prepared
To be put back.--again nice ending with humor. I think this has a light playful non-stalker read

Well, I hope you are not bothered by the extensive comments. I love the poem. It's very, very good. I hope some of these options will be helpful to consider.

Best Always,

Todd

So many awesome suggestions! You guys help me immensely. Thank you very much!

Oh hey Lawrence one more thing:

You remind him of the bigger meal.

You may want to go gender neutral here and say "You remind IT of a bigger meal" working with a creature here.

Best,

Todd

Holy shit, I repeated lockers!
An unforgivable transgression!