I can still feel his soul burning inside my own,
as his disease courses through my veins.
I atone for all his sins,
How come he always wins?

Looking in a mirror as he looks back,
His jaw set with a wicked grin,
I tried to break the mirror but only made a crack,
It won't set him free, but now I can get in.

Old man,stop hiding behind my reflection!
Stand and face the damage you've done!
I lay my soul bare for his inspection,
As I squirm in the web he has spun.

Hold on... Where'd he go? How'd he disappear?
Where can his reflection be?
It's not him that I seek, the reflections come clear,
The monster I'm hunting..., is me.

Written By: ficosdarkness
October 28, 2010
Edit made on:
November 6, 2010

i'm glad you posted this and the other poem in the mild critique forum fd (fd is easier than ficsodarkness)
it give us the chance to concentrate on just one or two points instead of deluging you.

1st point:
on a longer poem there's no need to have a space between each line. only use such space for a purpose.
between a verse, a couplet to make a line stand alone between verse. if it doesn't add to the poem don't use it.

2nd point:
For all his sin's I shall atone,
while hell's fire on me rains.
His reflection I no longer see,

the above 3 lines are archaic. (old style of language) back then it worked really well.
now the language has change. we often feel the need to sound poetic. what we need to
feel is to be poetic, but in our own language.

I atone,For all his sin's
while hell's fire rains on me
I no longer see His reflection
i know it shoots the end rhyme to buggery but it's our job as the poet to make it feel as though the
end rhyme is natural. at present it feels a little forced or contrived.

the poem itself is an introspection on self. something
most of us go through one time or another. a small edit could make it shine.

thanks for the read fd

(10-28-2010, 05:56 PM)billy Wrote:  i'm glad you posted this and the other poem in the mild critique forum fd (fd is easier than ficsodarkness)
it give us the chance to concentrate on just one or two points instead of deluging you.

1st point:
on a longer poem there's no need to have a space between each line. only use such space for a purpose.
between a verse, a couplet to make a line stand alone between verse. if it doesn't add to the poem don't use it.

2nd point:
For all his sin's I shall atone,
while hell's fire on me rains.
His reflection I no longer see,

the above 3 lines are archaic. (old style of language) back then it worked really well.
now the language has change. we often feel the need to sound poetic. what we need to
feel is to be poetic, but in our own language.

I atone,For all his sin's
while hell's fire rains on me
I no longer see His reflection
i know it shoots the end rhyme to buggery but it's our job as the poet to make it feel as though the
end rhyme is natural. at present it feels a little forced or contrived.

the poem itself is an introspection on self. something
most of us go through one time or another. a small edit could make it shine.

thanks for the read fd

Thank you, Billy. Your crituque's do not fall on deaf ears. I'm aiming to make my stuff shine and you help me to find the center of that target!

Hi fico,

When I read most poems I look for the line(s) or the central idea that makes them interesting and stand out. For me that part of your poem is these two lines:

I tried to break the mirror but only made a crack,
It won't set him free, but now I can get in.

When I read this within the context of the poem. I thought how much we become the people we focus on (when we hold on to pain, wrongs, bitterness we subconsciously start to shape ourselves into that person. It's a way that we actually allow people to control us). So in your poem when the speaker breaks the mirror and sees a way to get beyond the surface that is 100% interesting.

It's a cool idea for a poem. You could actually take it much further than you did if you were so inclined.

Best,

Todd

(10-30-2010, 05:10 AM)Todd Wrote:  Hi fico,

When I read most poems I look for the line(s) or the central idea that makes them interesting and stand out. For me that part of your poem is these two lines:

I tried to break the mirror but only made a crack,
It won't set him free, but now I can get in.

When I read this within the context of the poem. I thought how much we become the people we focus on (when we hold on to pain, wrongs, bitterness we subconsciously start to shape ourselves into that person. It's a way that we actually allow people to control us). So in your poem when the speaker breaks the mirror and sees a way to get beyond the surface that is 100% interesting.

It's a cool idea for a poem. You could actually take it much further than you did if you were so inclined.

Best,

Todd

Wow, Todd thank you very much!! I'm so happy that you found it interesting, this means a lot to me!

I enjoyed the read, thank you fd.

(11-04-2010, 04:24 AM)kath3 Wrote:  I enjoyed the read, thank you fd.

Thank you, kath3!!

(10-28-2010, 03:37 PM)ficosdarkness Wrote:  I can still feel his soul burning inside my own,
as his disease courses through my veins.
I atone for all his sins,
How come he alway's wins?

Looking in a mirror as he looks back,
His jawset with a wicked grin,
I tried to break the mirror but only made a crack,
It won't set him free, but now I can get in.

Old man,stop hiding behind my reflection!
Stand and face the damage you've done!
I lay my soul bare for his inspection,
As I squirm in the web he has spun.

Hold on... Where'd he go? How'd he disappear?
Where can his reflection be?
It's not him that I seek, the reflections come clear,
The monster I'm hunting..., is me.

Written By: ficosdarkness
October 28, 2010
Edit made on:
November 6, 2010

the edit has much better language fico. and reads a lot better.
now there's no back to front poetry of old.

it's best to leave the original up as well when you do an edit so people have something to compare

i think you could still find a couple of images. but it's definitely getting there. a big improvement from my point of view
well done.

always not alway's jaw set, not jawset

(11-06-2010, 07:48 PM)billy Wrote:  

(10-28-2010, 03:37 PM)ficosdarkness Wrote:  I can still feel his soul burning inside my own,
as his disease courses through my veins.
I atone for all his sins,
How come he alway's wins?

Looking in a mirror as he looks back,
His jawset with a wicked grin,
I tried to break the mirror but only made a crack,
It won't set him free, but now I can get in.

Old man,stop hiding behind my reflection!
Stand and face the damage you've done!
I lay my soul bare for his inspection,
As I squirm in the web he has spun.

Hold on... Where'd he go? How'd he disappear?
Where can his reflection be?
It's not him that I seek, the reflections come clear,
The monster I'm hunting..., is me.

Written By: ficosdarkness
October 28, 2010
Edit made on:
November 6, 2010

the edit has much better language fico. and reads a lot better.
now there's no back to front poetry of old.

it's best to leave the original up as well when you do an edit so people have something to compare

i think you could still find a couple of images. but it's definitely getting there. a big improvement from my point of view
well done.

always not alway's jaw set, not jawset

Thanks billy Didn't know to leave it up for comparison, "my b." Will do on next!