....ff

(10-19-2010, 07:03 AM)lizzyrose12 Wrote:  Here in this attic, she sits alone.
Abandon in this dark room, no windows and no light,
The only thing that keeps her alive is thoughts of better days.
Hoping,
Just hoping.
One day someone will find her stranded, someone will rescue her from these rotting walls.
For when she’s in the attic, the dark is always here. [there]
Night never leaves, and bad dreams are always there,
Waiting around the corner.
Like a monster in the dark.
A fairy tale gone wrong.

Was it her fault she’s here? [there]
She wonders to herself.
She was the one who trusted the monsters,
Gave her soul into their hands.
And that’s right when the real nightmare began.
Slowly fading, slowly fading.
And she’s gone in a moment.
No one ever knew her,
Always she was alone.
And when she died, her tombstone read:
Unknown.


This poem is actually based on a short story I wrote for halloween called "The attic". I actually think it would be a fun idea to have a short story section on here.

we have a section for short story and writing in general lizzy, it's called the prose forum.

Here in this [the] attic, she sits alone.
the thing i struggle with in the above phrase is this;
is someone outside the attic door telling us about it. even then she's not really alone.
would;
"she sits alone in the attic" work better?
Abandon in this dark room, no windows and no light,
same again "this" denotes the speaker is connected to it. would;
Abandon there, no windows and no light
and here;
these rotting walls.
would ;
those rotting walls work as well.

of course the person in the poem could be talking about herself, which is acceptable (that is called disembodiment) but for me it feels i'm being told the story by another person.

there are other places where it happens and an odd one i may have missed.

all in all you capture the mood with your poetry.
it just needs a bit more attention to detail.
and a little bit of enjambment..

we have a workshop forum now where you can put a poem in and have help in de-constructing and rebuilding it. the poet always has the last say but doing it helps in showing how format, (layout) enjambment and other poetic devices work. it can help with things like tense, syntax, rhyme meter etc.

you'll be surprised how a poem can evolve.

thanks for the read lizzy as always.

(10-19-2010, 10:32 AM)billy Wrote:  

(10-19-2010, 07:03 AM)lizzyrose12 Wrote:  Here in this attic, she sits alone.
Abandon in this dark room, no windows and no light,
The only thing that keeps her alive is thoughts of better days.
Hoping,
Just hoping.
One day someone will find her stranded, someone will rescue her from these rotting walls.
For when she’s in the attic, the dark is always here. [there]
Night never leaves, and bad dreams are always there,
Waiting around the corner.
Like a monster in the dark.
A fairy tale gone wrong.

Was it her fault she’s here? [there]
She wonders to herself.
She was the one who trusted the monsters,
Gave her soul into their hands.
And that’s right when the real nightmare began.
Slowly fading, slowly fading.
And she’s gone in a moment.
No one ever knew her,
Always she was alone.
And when she died, her tombstone read:
Unknown.


This poem is actually based on a short story I wrote for halloween called "The attic". I actually think it would be a fun idea to have a short story section on here.

we have a section for short story and writing in general lizzy, it's called the prose forum.

Here in this [the] attic, she sits alone.
the thing i struggle with in the above phrase is this;
is someone outside the attic door telling us about it. even then she's not really alone.
would;
"she sits alone in the attic" work better?
Abandon in this dark room, no windows and no light,
same again "this" denotes the speaker is connected to it. would;
Abandon there, no windows and no light
and here;
these rotting walls.
would ;
those rotting walls work as well.

of course the person in the poem could be talking about herself, which is acceptable (that is called disembodiment) but for me it feels i'm being told the story by another person.

there are other places where it happens and an odd one i may have missed.

all in all you capture the mood with your poetry.
it just needs a bit more attention to detail.
and a little bit of enjambment..

we have a workshop forum now where you can put a poem in and have help in de-constructing and rebuilding it. the poet always has the last say but doing it helps in showing how format, (layout) enjambment and other poetic devices work. it can help with things like tense, syntax, rhyme meter etc.

you'll be surprised how a poem can evolve.

thanks for the read lizzy as always.

Thanks for the feedback, but noone was suppose to be telling the story. It was suppose to be just... I don't know. But there wasn't anyone specific describing he story.

in a while i'll put a poem of mine in the workshop section, one that i think needs lots of work, one i can't change because i like it as it is. hopefully i'll get some feedback and maybe tighten the poem up a little.