our clothes dripped
that drooping drip
of little Jewish boys at Auschwitz
shivering in their dripping droopy skin
that lay in hollowed folds
from off the bone

they were caught being Jewish
whatever that is
little Jewish boys
in the bath house

we'd been caught as we swam
Manchester mackerel
prancing in the dirty waters of suburbia.

huddled together we rattled
on a wintered canal bank
waited for parents who didn't care
who were seldom there except
when called to scald or beat
though we never got to feel
the heat that burned
flesh and crackled bone
mostly we were left alone
like little Jewish boys
in the bath house

Not much to say on form... the internal rhyme in this is excellent. This one's very hard to read billy, especially with the reference to Auschwitz

(07-11-2010, 04:44 PM)billy Wrote:  our clothes dripped
that drooping drip
of little Jewish boys at Auschwitz
shivering in their dripping droopy skin
that lay in hollowed folds
from off the bone

they were caught being Jewish
whatever that is
little Jewish boys
in the bath house I guess what I lke about this part is the innocence of the child's perspective. I do feel that a comparison to the fiinal soluion is being severeely misused, but if it stems from the worldview of an unassuming, innocent child then I could accept it

we'd been caught as we swam
Manchester mackerel Liked this line
prancing in the dirty waters of suburbia.

huddled together we rattled
on a wintered canal bank
waited for parents who didn't care
who were seldom there except
when called to scald is this "scold"? or beat
though we never got to feel
the heat that burned
flesh and crackled bone
mostly we were left alone these lines chilled me
like little Jewish boys
in the bath house Repetition intentional?

Sorry for the lack of solid comments. As I said, form-wise it looks very good to me. Content is harder to read so harder to comment. But overall excellent.

it's meant to be scald in order to connect it to the heat.
yeah the reps intentional as well

big thanks for the feedback addy

Ah, I stand corrected then

I always enjoy your work... at the very least its never boring