Love, After

Thirty years of clutching
the wheel through blizzards
and black ice skids.

Twenty years of habitual
designated driving,
hand over glass.

Today, yesterday, tomorrow
I automatically aim
for the passenger door,
sink into music I haven’t chosen
and read.

I get the idea and it holds together, except I don't understand "hand over glass".

(11 hours ago)wasellajam Wrote:  Love, After

Thirty years of clutching
the wheel through blizzards not convinced by the edgy line break here, feels tryhard and pushy
and black ice skids.  these sound like natural disasters unrelated to any human frailty, interesting

Twenty years of habitual don't understand how to read this adverb as anything but superfluous
designated driving,
hand over glass.    i guess "hand over glass" is a gesture meaning "no more, thanks" - but shouldn't the DD simply not drink?

Upon further reflection I think S2 really hurts the poem, it pigeonholes my reading and really doesn't do anything more than say, "this is all about alcoholism"

Today, yesterday, tomorrow  mmmm idk- kinda melodramatic, feels amateurish
I automatically aim
for the passenger door,   have tried but can't parse this - what are you gonna do, jump out a moving car?
sink into music I haven’t chosen
and read.  it feels vaguely "resigned to this" vibes, not sure what else to make of it

Impulse/occasion is worthy 
conceit (30 years/20/today) holds up well enough
a pretty good draft

I think the final gesture is too opaque as written. And there is some narrative confusion sapping the impact throughout. The title is distastefully summative and directive; I think this happens because the poem kinda knows itself to be a bit vague, so compensates by asking its title to hold up the world. There is a good "tell it slant" ethos at work here, but the work in the individual stanzas could be more precisely evocative to support that project.

Most importantly I feel I am playing poem riddle. The plot is too vague; somehow the poem seems very linear but also unclear in frustrating ways. The final gesture feels pregnant but also just kinda unclear.

(11 hours ago)wasellajam Wrote:  Love, After

Thirty years of clutching …. I like how the “thirty” follows from the “after”
the wheel through blizzards
and black ice skids. … nice. I’ve no personal experience of driving through a blizzard, but I get it 

Twenty years of habitual … the “twenty” also follows from the title 
designated driving,
hand over glass. …. The hand over glass as universal sign of “I’m not drinking” works for me 

Today, yesterday, tomorrow … the connection with the title breaks down. Would’ve been nice to follow the pattern. “Love, after yesterday when I aimed…”
I automatically aim …. “Automatically aim” is quite prosaic 
for the passenger door,
sink into music I haven’t chosen
and read. … I couldn’t make out at first if the “read” was past tense. I can’t quite make out what’s going on here. The act of sitting in the passenger seat and reading is not “automatic”, though aiming for it might be. So either the “automatically aim” or the last bit needs to go

Lots of potential in this one
Thanks for posting

(11 hours ago)wasellajam Wrote:  Love, After

Thirty years of clutching
the wheel through blizzards
and black ice skids.

Twenty years of habitual I like your use of habitual, usually used to describe drinking tendencies. An habitual helper is parallel to what you do when you're in love.  
designated driving,
hand over glass. Hand over glass as a term for being sober was a new one to me. It was a little confusing on my first read mainly because cars have glass at first my mind went to shattered glass. I feel like something else could conclude this idea to be more to the point or maybe speak to the motive of the narrator. Why she does this so often? 

Today, yesterday, tomorrow  an interesting way of saying routine 
I automatically aim
for the passenger door,
sink into music I haven’t chosen
and read.

It is silly how as a decade plus many blizzard encountered delivery driver / musician tour driver I feel this poem on a level that is potentially unintended, unless platonic love works.

I feel like there is so many different words and ways to depict stanza one, though I think it's being direct is solid. The feelings I have when thinking about driving through a blizzard and hitting black ice
-up to zero visibility
-uncertainty
-anxiety
-self trust
-going as slow as conditions demand
-hitting black ice give me the feeling of like falling in a dream 

There are parallels to being a DD for a significant other mainly choosing to take accountability for others safety.

What I get from poem is how love is part risk, sacrifice, and safety. Where one is grateful to trade being the one in control and trusts someone else enough to relax and chill.

Awesome and relatable read thanks for posting!

woohoo, something to work on! Thank you all for taking the time to read and critique.

(7 hours ago)Luckieman Wrote:  I get the idea and it holds together, except I don't understand "hand over glass".

Thanks for chiming in, that phrase seems to be an issue, I'll rethink it.

---

(4 hours ago)matsunosuperfan Wrote:  

(11 hours ago)wasellajam Wrote:  Love, After

Thirty years of clutching
the wheel through blizzards not convinced by the edgy line break here, feels tryhard and pushy
and black ice skids.  these sound like natural disasters unrelated to any human frailty, interesting

Twenty years of habitual don't understand how to read this adverb as anything but superfluous
designated driving,
hand over glass.    i guess "hand over glass" is a gesture meaning "no more, thanks" - but shouldn't the DD simply not drink?

Upon further reflection I think S2 really hurts the poem, it pigeonholes my reading and really doesn't do anything more than say, "this is all about alcoholism"

Today, yesterday, tomorrow  mmmm idk- kinda melodramatic, feels amateurish
I automatically aim
for the passenger door,   have tried but can't parse this - what are you gonna do, jump out a moving car?
sink into music I haven’t chosen
and read.  it feels vaguely "resigned to this" vibes, not sure what else to make of it

Impulse/occasion is worthy 
conceit (30 years/20/today) holds up well enough
a pretty good draft

I think the final gesture is too opaque as written. And there is some narrative confusion sapping the impact throughout. The title is distastefully summative and directive; I think this happens because the poem kinda knows itself to be a bit vague, so compensates by asking its title to hold up the world. There is a good "tell it slant" ethos at work here, but the work in the individual stanzas could be more precisely evocative to support that project.

Most importantly I feel I am playing poem riddle. The plot is too vague; somehow the poem seems very linear but also unclear in frustrating ways. The final gesture feels pregnant but also just kinda unclear.

Hi, mat, thank for the thorough critique! On S1, I'm curious about what breaks you think would work better.

Thirty years of clutching the wheel
through blizzards and black ice skids

seems the only other alternative and wheel seems meaningless to me. Any other suggestions without a full rewrite?

Just as an aside, the average DD can have a short wine with dinner without issue. I'll think about your view of S2.

S3 I was talking about getting into the car, not jumping out. But that doesn't negate the issues.

On the whole I was aiming for absolute clarity on the surface with something to think about underneath, so fail there if it reads as a riddle to you, I'll see what I can do.

Your time and perspective is appreciated.

---

(4 hours ago)busker Wrote:  

(11 hours ago)wasellajam Wrote:  Love, After

Thirty years of clutching …. I like how the “thirty” follows from the “after”
the wheel through blizzards
and black ice skids. … nice. I’ve no personal experience of driving through a blizzard, but I get it 

Twenty years of habitual … the “twenty” also follows from the title 
designated driving,
hand over glass. …. The hand over glass as universal sign of “I’m not drinking” works for me 

Today, yesterday, tomorrow … the connection with the title breaks down. Would’ve been nice to follow the pattern. “Love, after yesterday when I aimed…”
I automatically aim …. “Automatically aim” is quite prosaic 
for the passenger door,
sink into music I haven’t chosen
and read. … I couldn’t make out at first if the “read” was past tense. I can’t quite make out what’s going on here. The act of sitting in the passenger seat and reading is not “automatic”, though aiming for it might be. So either the “automatically aim” or the last bit needs to go

Lots of potential in this one
Thanks for posting

Thanks, busker, the most issue seems to be S3. I'll rethink L1 and Automatically. I didn't even notice the tense issue with read, maybe scroll. Thanks for the support for an edit.

---

(3 hours ago)Bunx Wrote:  

(11 hours ago)wasellajam Wrote:  Love, After

Thirty years of clutching
the wheel through blizzards
and black ice skids.

Twenty years of habitual I like your use of habitual, usually used to describe drinking tendencies. An habitual helper is parallel to what you do when you're in love.  
designated driving,
hand over glass. Hand over glass as a term for being sober was a new one to me. It was a little confusing on my first read mainly because cars have glass at first my mind went to shattered glass. I feel like something else could conclude this idea to be more to the point or maybe speak to the motive of the narrator. Why she does this so often? 

Today, yesterday, tomorrow  an interesting way of saying routine 
I automatically aim
for the passenger door,
sink into music I haven’t chosen
and read.

It is silly how as a decade plus many blizzard encountered delivery driver / musician tour driver I feel this poem on a level that is potentially unintended, unless platonic love works.

I feel like there is so many different words and ways to depict stanza one, though I think it's being direct is solid. The feelings I have when thinking about driving through a blizzard and hitting black ice
-up to zero visibility
-uncertainty
-anxiety
-self trust
-going as slow as conditions demand
-hitting black ice give me the feeling of like falling in a dream 

There are parallels to being a DD for a significant other mainly choosing to take accountability for others safety.

What I get from poem is how love is part risk, sacrifice, and safety. Where one is grateful to trade being the one in control and trusts someone else enough to relax and chill.

Awesome and relatable read thanks for posting!

Oh, bunx, I love when you read my poems, how you get the intended layers and describe them.

I see your point, hand over glass seems to confuse, I added it when posting, guess I need something else.

Thanks so much for taking the time with this one.