spun with silver thread,
strung with pearls of morning dew -
the fly doesn't see

(7 hours ago)JohnS Wrote:  spun with silver thread,
strung with pearls of morning dew -
the fly doesn't see

Beautiful image, poor fly. You might look at

pearls of dew
silver thread -
the fly doesn't see

and see if it still works

(7 hours ago)JohnS Wrote:  spun with silver thread,
strung with pearls of morning dew -
the fly doesn't see

As a bit of a spider-fancier, I give this full marks.  Wondering about the em dash:  I think it's correct, there's more than just pearls the fly's compound eyes miss.

(7 hours ago)JohnS Wrote:  spun with silver thread,
strung with pearls of morning dew -
the fly doesn't see

Excellent, even follows the 5-7-5

(5 hours ago)wasellajam Wrote:  

(7 hours ago)JohnS Wrote:  spun with silver thread,
strung with pearls of morning dew -
the fly doesn't see

Beautiful image, poor fly. You might look at

pearls of dew
silver thread -
the fly doesn't see

and see if it still works

Thanks Ella, I wanted to keep the English language format of 5,7,5.

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(4 hours ago)dukealien Wrote:  

(7 hours ago)JohnS Wrote:  spun with silver thread,
strung with pearls of morning dew -
the fly doesn't see

As a bit of a spider-fancier, I give this full marks.  Wondering about the em dash:  I think it's correct, there's more than just pearls the fly's compound eyes miss.

Thanks very much Duke. 
I think the em-dash is ok, according to my research.

I had alternative last lines: "the fly never sees", "the fly bejewelled" or "dead fly bejewelled".

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(4 hours ago)busker Wrote:  

(7 hours ago)JohnS Wrote:  spun with silver thread,
strung with pearls of morning dew -
the fly doesn't see

Excellent, even follows the 5-7-5

Thank you Busker.