This is a short poem, as yet untitled. I'm trying to get to grips with rhythm and subtle bits of ear candy. Any comments greatly appreciated. 

Contentment comes not in the catch
but in the breathless chase,
the hope that never dies.
In how we rise each time we fall,
believing something beautiful
lies beyond the next new dawn.

The first line unloads consonants that cut "too" soon

believing something lies
beautiful

release the 'buts'

the breathless chase, a hope
does rise and never dies


a hope to rise
and never die


Those are examples of coming to grips.

(02-20-2026, 11:51 PM)rowens Wrote:  The first line unloads consonants that cut "too" soon

believing something lies
beautiful

release the 'buts'

the breathless chase, a hope
does rise and never dies


a hope to rise
and never die


Those are examples of coming to grips.

Thanks for the gripping examples. Seriously, thank you for taking the time to comment, all grist to the mill.

(02-20-2026, 11:36 PM)JohnS Wrote:  This is a short poem, as yet untitled. I'm trying to get to grips with rhythm and subtle bits of ear candy. Any comments greatly appreciated. 

Contentment comes not in the catch
but in the breathless chase,
the hope that never dies.
In how we rise each time we fall,
believing something beautiful
lies beyond the next new dawn.

You have some very nice sounds here.  You could almost switch to perfect meter if you wanted.  You could even make it (with very little effort) into a triolet and it has a triolet feel to it already.

It is not a new expression , per se, but it is enjoyable enough to read.

Thanks for posting

(02-21-2026, 05:49 AM)milo Wrote:  

(02-20-2026, 11:36 PM)JohnS Wrote:  This is a short poem, as yet untitled. I'm trying to get to grips with rhythm and subtle bits of ear candy. Any comments greatly appreciated. 

Contentment comes not in the catch
but in the breathless chase,
the hope that never dies.
In how we rise each time we fall,
believing something beautiful
lies beyond the next new dawn.

You have some very nice sounds here.  You could almost switch to perfect meter if you wanted.  You could even make it (with very little effort) into a triolet and it has a triolet feel to it already.

It is not a new expression , per se, but it is enjoyable enough to read.

Thanks for posting

Many thanks for your comments, Milo. I will take a look at the triolet option, it would be a challenge for sure. 
The last line of this poem was to be ..lies beyond the next sunrise. However I'd used "rise" two lines earlier so changed it, losing my lies, rise rhyme. In poetry, would the rhyme be more desirable than avoiding the word repition?

(02-21-2026, 06:09 PM)JohnS Wrote:  

(02-21-2026, 05:49 AM)milo Wrote:  

(02-20-2026, 11:36 PM)JohnS Wrote:  This is a short poem, as yet untitled. I'm trying to get to grips with rhythm and subtle bits of ear candy. Any comments greatly appreciated. 

Contentment comes not in the catch
but in the breathless chase,
the hope that never dies.
In how we rise each time we fall,
believing something beautiful
lies beyond the next new dawn.

You have some very nice sounds here.  You could almost switch to perfect meter if you wanted.  You could even make it (with very little effort) into a triolet and it has a triolet feel to it already.

It is not a new expression , per se, but it is enjoyable enough to read.

Thanks for posting

Many thanks for your comments, Milo. I will take a look at the triolet option, it would be a challenge for sure. 
The last line of this poem was to be ..lies beyond the next sunrise. However I'd used "rise" two lines earlier so changed it, losing my lies, rise rhyme. In poetry, would the rhyme be more desirable than avoiding the word repition?

rhyme itself has fallen so out of fashion in modern poetry and repetition has fallin in to the point the question might be - Is it worth adding a simple rhyme to gain the benefits of repetition.  In this case, my personal opinion would be no.  I think it would detract from the read but that is just my personal opinion.

Hi John- suggestion, by subtraction:

Contentment comes not in the catch
but in the breathless chase. Suggest a hard stop here, so a reader can digest the lines.

We rise each time we fall The comma slows this down too much, but I like the break to the next line
believing something beautiful Maybe re-work this line, just a bit. ? Something like believing there is beauty perhaps??

beyond the next new dawn. Don't think lies added anything here.

I do like the sound of this one, yet think a bit less would be a lot more. I'm a big fan of short poems, because they require such precise word choices. I think you just about got it here.

Respectfully,
Mark

(02-21-2026, 10:55 PM)Mark A Becker Wrote:  Hi John- suggestion, by subtraction:

Contentment comes not in the catch
but in the breathless chase.  Suggest a hard stop here, so a reader can digest the lines.

We rise each time we fall The comma slows this down too much, but I like the break to the next line
believing something beautiful  Maybe re-work this line, just a bit. ? Something like believing there is beauty perhaps??

beyond the next new dawn. Don't think lies added anything here.

I do like the sound of this one, yet think a bit less would be a lot more. I'm a big fan of short poems, because they require such precise word choices. I think you just about got it here. 

Respectfully,
Mark

Thanks Mark.

Hi, John, for me it reads well and the breaks are sound. As far as ear candy, the language in the opening two lines is lovely, even if the thought is a well used cliche. A few notes:

(02-20-2026, 11:36 PM)JohnS Wrote:  This is a short poem, as yet untitled. I'm trying to get to grips with rhythm and subtle bits of ear candy. Any comments greatly appreciated. 

Contentment comes not in the catch
but in the breathless chase,
the hope that never dies. I think hope is weak and implied above, maybe use this line to say something interesting about the feeling of the chase.
In how we rise each time we fall,
believing something beautiful Beautiful is sort of null here, what is the N looking for?
lies beyond the next new dawn.

Thanks for posting this, hope this helps. -ella

(02-23-2026, 12:38 AM)wasellajam Wrote:  Hi, John, for me it reads well and the breaks are sound. As far as ear candy, the language in the opening two lines is lovely, even if the thought is a well used cliche. A few notes:

(02-20-2026, 11:36 PM)JohnS Wrote:  This is a short poem, as yet untitled. I'm trying to get to grips with rhythm and subtle bits of ear candy. Any comments greatly appreciated. 

Contentment comes not in the catch
but in the breathless chase,
the hope that never dies. I think hope is weak and implied above, maybe use this line to say something interesting about the feeling of the chase.
In how we rise each time we fall,
believing something beautiful Beautiful is sort of null here, what is the N looking for?
lies beyond the next new dawn.

Thanks for posting this, hope this helps. -ella

Thanks Ella. 

I'll now retreat back to the familiar world of prose and songwriting. I quite enjoyed this new experience but realise I haven't grasped the difference between a good and a bad poem, which doesn't auger well for my critiquing activity!

(02-23-2026, 01:17 AM)JohnS Wrote:  

(02-23-2026, 12:38 AM)wasellajam Wrote:  Hi, John, for me it reads well and the breaks are sound. As far as ear candy, the language in the opening two lines is lovely, even if the thought is a well used cliche. A few notes:

(02-20-2026, 11:36 PM)JohnS Wrote:  This is a short poem, as yet untitled. I'm trying to get to grips with rhythm and subtle bits of ear candy. Any comments greatly appreciated. 

Contentment comes not in the catch
but in the breathless chase,
the hope that never dies. I think hope is weak and implied above, maybe use this line to say something interesting about the feeling of the chase.
In how we rise each time we fall,
believing something beautiful Beautiful is sort of null here, what is the N looking for?
lies beyond the next new dawn.

Thanks for posting this, hope this helps. -ella

Thanks Ella. 

I'll now retreat back to the familiar world of prose and songwriting. I quite enjoyed this new experience but realise I haven't grasped the difference between a good and a bad poem, which doesn't auger well for my critiquing activity!

not to get off-topic but sometimes it is better to hear from someone that doesn't know.  It brings a different perspective.  I remember one person I used to discuss poetry with used to spend a lot of time talking about how poetry no longer speaks to the non-poet but concerns itself only with academia.  If that's the case, it is a shame because poetry is really one of the most accessible arts.

(02-23-2026, 01:17 AM)JohnS Wrote:  

(02-23-2026, 12:38 AM)wasellajam Wrote:  Hi, John, for me it reads well and the breaks are sound. As far as ear candy, the language in the opening two lines is lovely, even if the thought is a well used cliche. A few notes:

(02-20-2026, 11:36 PM)JohnS Wrote:  This is a short poem, as yet untitled. I'm trying to get to grips with rhythm and subtle bits of ear candy. Any comments greatly appreciated. 

Contentment comes not in the catch
but in the breathless chase,
the hope that never dies. I think hope is weak and implied above, maybe use this line to say something interesting about the feeling of the chase.
In how we rise each time we fall,
believing something beautiful Beautiful is sort of null here, what is the N looking for?
lies beyond the next new dawn.

Thanks for posting this, hope this helps. -ella

Thanks Ella. 

I'll now retreat back to the familiar world of prose and songwriting. I quite enjoyed this new experience but realise I haven't grasped the difference between a good and a bad poem, which doesn't auger well for my critiquing activity!

Don't do that John, lol. We all feel that way, that we might give a critique and the OP might think What a fool, they know nothing! So what? If you can read, and even write songs, you can surely have an opinion on what you like or don't in a poems. There's no wrong answer.
And every member here, even the best writers, have loads of poems that didn't work for each that even came close.
I hope you'll rethink your decision, we've been enjoying your posts.

(02-23-2026, 01:17 AM)JohnS Wrote:  I'll now retreat back to the familiar world of prose and songwriting. I quite enjoyed this new experience but realise I haven't grasped the difference between a good and a bad poem, which doesn't auger well for my critiquing activity!

You can't give in that quick. You've got obvious talent in rhyming and some nice phrases. It takes a long time to develop poetry skills.

I feel like you said that because you just needed a hug. 

Post some more lyrics. You've been inspiring me to think about writing song lyrics. It's a different art to poetry but there are definite similarities.

Cheers

Thank you Ella and Milo and Magpie for the kind words. I think I need to develop my poetry writing skill to a higher level before participating in a forum. I have a few books to read and some on-line resources and I'll see what comes of that. Hopefully see you on here in the future. Thanks again.

One word came to me as i was reading, and that is FAITH

(02-20-2026, 11:36 PM)JohnS Wrote:  This is a short poem, as yet untitled. I'm trying to get to grips with rhythm and subtle bits of ear candy. Any comments greatly appreciated. 

Contentment comes not in the catch
but in the breathless chase,
the hope that never dies.
In how we rise each time we fall,
believing something beautiful
lies beyond the next new dawn.

From this poem, I understand that it centers around the pursuit of happiness. It implies that while happiness itself may be elusive, the relentless pursuit itself instills an unwavering hope that never wanes.

Although I’m relatively new to poetry, if I were to offer some feedback, I might suggest that the line “the hope that never dies” could be a bit clichéd. I’m not sure if I can improve upon it, but I would suggest something like “a hopeful daybreak that never sets.” In my opinion, this line provides a vivid image and evokes the idea of endless hope, an everlasting new beginning, or optimism that doesn’t fade. Alternatively, a dawn that never sets might be a better choice. Let me know what you think.

Someone suggested, "the hope that never dies," was a bit cliché. I think they're correct. I reread the poem a few times and simply deleted that line and I think it was overall a better poem, didn't need to change anything because of that deletion.

This is a fine little poem.  Brevity is good.  You got some great feedback already.  I would just keep writing and go on to the next one!

Thank you to all who took the trouble to critique my poem.

The alliteration on first line is really pretty, I think someone already said this but 
you could make the poem a bit more metrical, maybe something like this 


Contentment comes not in the catch
but in the breathless chase, the hope
that never dies. In how we rise

I also think the enjambment here would be really interesting. 

Then bringing up in “how we rise” highlights the rhyme a bit more imo, whether that's a 
good thing honestly depends on your intention. Then I feel like the 'new' between next 
and dawn breaks the flow a bit. 

 
Off Topic, but I don't think anyone can really tell whether a poem is good or not,the 
best we can really say is if whether we like it or not