a clearing

lost off-trail, a dense tangle
of brambles confuse my path
along an icy creek

white-tailed deer drink
as a solitary grey fox appears
to vanish like vapor

crows issue terse commands
from an ancient oak that stands
sentinel among the pines

nothing I notice
seems to notice me
wandering deeper in

I followi the creek
around the bend until
I reach a clearing

raise a finger to test
the wind, take a long
slow breath

ease my mind
into the stillness
of a snow covered field

(10 hours ago)Mark A Becker Wrote:  a clearing

lost off-trail, in thickets
of brambles
along an icy creek

white-tailed deer drink
as a solitary grey fox appears
to vanish like vapor

crows caw commands
from a tall oak that stands
sentinel among the pines

nothing I notice
seems to notice me
wandering deeper in

following the creek
around the bend until
I reach a clearing

raise a finger
to the wind, take a long
slow breath

ease my mind
into the stillness
of a snow covered field

I have only read it a couple times but I can't help but notice in the first half there are several places where you choose a good phrase and then don't seem to trust it so you adorn it.  For example:

"thickets of brambles"  - brambles is probably fine
" crows caw commands" - everyone knows crows caw, "crows command" is so much stronger without
"tall oak that stands sentinel" - would anyone think an oak standing sentinel was small?  Stronger without "tall"

Anyway, enjoying the read, will read it a few more times and return if anything calls out

Thanks

(10 hours ago)milo Wrote:  I have only read it a couple times but I can't help but notice in the first half there are several places where you choose a good phrase and then don't seem to trust it so you adorn it.  For example:

"thickets of brambles"  - brambles is probably fine
" crows caw commands" - everyone knows crows caw, "crows command" is so much stronger without
"tall oak that stands sentinel" - would anyone think an oak standing sentinel was small?  Stronger without "tall"

Anyway, enjoying the read, will read it a few more times and return if anything calls out

Thanks

Good eyes milo- I appreciate that you point out the unnecessary areas of emphasis, and will address those.
Thanks,
Mark

(10 hours ago)Mark A Becker Wrote:  a clearing  consider a new title.  Very least, "The Clearing", but something like "A Winter Walk" or similar

lost off-trail, a dense tangle   could be considered implied if really trying to be terse.  Then move 'of brambles' up, maybe
of brambles confuse the path
along an icy creek   I like icy as it helps set the tone, but would change 'an' to an actual name of a creek.  Make one up!

white-tailed deer drink
as a solitary grey fox appears  very nice redirection here
to vanish like vapor

crows issue terse commands
from an ancient oak that stands
sentinel among the pines   again, going for the terse observations

nothing I notice   consider rewording to 'I notice nothing'.  Provides a little redirection but might not be what you are looking for.
seems to notice me
wandering deeper in

your words rearranged:

following the creek
around the bend
until the clearing

a snow covered field
I take a slow breath
and breathe in the stillness

I followi the creek
around the bend until  weak way to end a line...
I reach a clearing   the clearing

raise a finger to test
the wind, take a long
slow breath

ease my mind
into the stillness
of a snow covered field

a clearing

lost off-trail, in thickets
of brambles
along an icy creek

white-tailed deer drink
as a solitary grey fox appears
to vanish like vapor

crows caw commands
from a tall oak that stands
sentinel among the pines

nothing I notice
seems to notice me
wandering deeper in

following the creek
around the bend until
I reach a clearing

raise a finger
the wind, take a long
slow breath

ease my mind
into the stillness
of a snow covered field

Hey Mark,
Enjoyed the poem.  Some great imagery.  My suggestions above were meant to mostly continue the terse observational tone of the poem, but not necessary, necessarily.  You can read through my suggestions and take what you find useful.  I guess the most significant changes came at the end.  I think the strongest theme of the poem is that of stillness, so it seemed right to end on that idea.  Some things to consider!
Take care,
Bryn

---

(10 hours ago)Mark A Becker Wrote:  a clearing  consider a new title.  Very least, "The Clearing", but something like "A Winter Walk" or similar

lost off-trail, a dense tangle   could be considered implied if really trying to be terse.  Then move 'of brambles' up, maybe
of brambles confuse the path
along an icy creek   I like icy as it helps set the tone, but would change 'an' to an actual name of a creek.  Make one up!

white-tailed deer drink
as a solitary grey fox appears  very nice redirection here
to vanish like vapor

crows issue terse commands
from an ancient oak that stands
sentinel among the pines   again, going for the terse observations

nothing I notice   consider rewording to 'I notice nothing'.  Provides a little redirection but might not be what you are looking for.
seems to notice me
wandering deeper in

your words rearranged:

following the creek
around the bend
until the clearing

a snow covered field
I take a slow breath
and breathe in the stillness

I followi the creek
around the bend until  weak way to end a line...
I reach a clearing   the clearing

raise a finger to test
the wind, take a long
slow breath

ease my mind
into the stillness
of a snow covered field

a clearing

lost off-trail, in thickets
of brambles
along an icy creek

white-tailed deer drink
as a solitary grey fox appears
to vanish like vapor

crows caw commands
from a tall oak that stands
sentinel among the pines

nothing I notice
seems to notice me
wandering deeper in

following the creek
around the bend until
I reach a clearing

raise a finger
the wind, take a long
slow breath

ease my mind
into the stillness
of a snow covered field

Hey Mark,
Enjoyed the poem.  Some great imagery.  My suggestions above were meant to mostly continue the terse observational tone of the poem, but not necessary, necessarily.  You can read through my suggestions and take what you find useful.  I guess the most significant changes came at the end.  I think the strongest theme of the poem is that of stillness, so it seemed right to end on that idea.  Some things to consider!
Take care,
Bryn