They soon stopped feeding them,
forgot to give them exercise,
no water for days, always an excuse,
always me who stepped in
to try and revive them.

The boys left home,
all their unwanted childhood
stashed in boxes,
I found the dead Tamagotchi’s
at the bottom of an assorted Lego box.

They where buried with memories
I'd thought forgotten,
I tried for hours to revive her,
but some things
are just programmed to die.

If I listen too hard, I can still hear the breathing
on nights when I can’t hold my breath any longer.

(01-26-2026, 07:42 AM)Keith Wrote:  They soon stopped feeding them,
forgot to give them exercise,
no water for days, always an excuse,
always me who stepped in
to try and revive them.  This sets up the characters and dynamic effectively.  Use of "me" instead of "I" sets the informal/colloquial tine.

The boys left home,
all their unwanted childhood  "unwanted childhood" is excellent, and singular indicates it's shared between them, and with the parent (speaking)
stashed in boxes,
I found the dead Tamagotchi’s  I cavil slightly at the apostrophe.  It's a foreign word, but no reason the plural should not just add an "s"
at the bottom of an assorted Lego box.  For clarity, perhaps hypen, as "assorted-Legos"  if only because you can make a box out of Legos.

They where buried with memories  hanging here in an ambiguity...
I'd thought forgotten,  and then the reveal - not the boys' own memories but the parent's
I tried for hours to revive her,  going slightly off the rails here:  now there's only one, and it has a gender
but some things  begins to step back from the edge
are just programmed to die.  and back to adult understanding.

If I listen too hard, I can still hear the breathing  and then slips back, but (probably)
on nights when I can’t hold my breath any longer.  thinking of the kids, not their forgotten toys

(Before attempting the requested critique, I must admit this one hit me, personally, very hard.  I tend to assign inanimate objects personalities, and could probably not bear to own a Tamagotchi.  As it happens, I unpacked some old model trains this afternoon and it was... stressful.  But to work.)

This is well done, with some turns, advances and retreats that evoke the viewpoint character's emotional journey.  There's a suggestion the VPC is the mother, and a light suggestion that there was also a girl-child, perhaps stillborn or died young.

The language is suitably plain.  I looked up "Tamagotchi" to be sure, but was almost certain what it was before I came to the word in S.2.  And the evocation of listening for a loved one's breathing, holding one's own, is poignant.

You use "box" twice in S.2.  I'd suggest changing the second instance to "bin" or "carton" for variety.  Maybe "bag."

A few grammatic niggles above, but basically the concept and execution are very solid.

(01-26-2026, 07:42 AM)Keith Wrote:  They soon stopped feeding them,
forgot to give them exercise,
no water for days, always an excuse,
always me who stepped in
to try and revive them.  foreshadows the revival in S3. I like how S1 sets up the rest of the poem with its little details

The boys left home,   the temporal setting of the poem becomes clear
all their unwanted childhood  I like 'unwanted childhood'. Unwanted for the kids, dear to their parents
stashed in boxes,
I found the dead Tamagotchi’s does this need an apostrophe?
at the bottom of an assorted Lego box.  

They where buried with memories
I'd thought forgotten,
I tried for hours to revive her,
but some things
are just programmed to die.

If I listen too hard, I can still hear the breathing
on nights when I can’t hold my breath any longer.   the futile trying to revive ghosts. The only thing that bothers me is the holding of breath till breaking point. It's a distraction, because there's no reason that you'd really be holding your breath. It suggests fear, foreboding, etc. which is irrelevant to the poem

Lovely work

The seriousness amuses me.

Hi, Keith! A few notes on my read:

(01-26-2026, 07:42 AM)Keith Wrote:  They soon stopped feeding them,
forgot to give them exercise, I like feeding/forgot, ties them nicely.
no water for days, always an excuse,
always me who stepped in
to try and revive them.
This so clearly describes the truth. We so love their excitement with the new then they move on so quickly without a care, leaving us  saying wtf.

The boys left home,
all their unwanted childhood
stashed in boxes, Again the truth, we hang on to what was possibly never even important to those we love.
I found the dead Tamagotchi’s
at the bottom of an assorted Lego box. Love what was precious buried in the mundane, meaningless. Strong image too.

They where buried with memories I think this is stronger without this line, with the next line rephrased to fit.
I'd thought forgotten,
I tried for hours to revive her,
but some things
are just programmed to die.

If I listen too hard, I can still hear the breathing I don't remember tamagotchis making a breathing sound, so maybe her breathing?
on nights when I can’t hold my breath any longer.

Thanks for posting this, I"ve been enjoying it.

Great to see you Keith.  The poem is a treat - it explores thoughts of death and abandonment using such simple metaphor we can all easily relate without having to resort to mawkishness and melodrama.  It is such a rare thing to see.  I have read it about a dozen times and will read it a few dozen more I am sure.

(01-26-2026, 07:42 AM)Keith Wrote:  They soon stopped feeding them,
forgot to give them exercise,
no water for days, always an excuse,
always me who stepped in
to try and revive them.

opening line - not sure if you need "soon" - what is it trying to convey.  The fickleness of kids with their toys and how, perhaps if it is supposed to represent a life it should be more serious?  I am not sure.  Maybe you do need it.
L2, you could use "exercise them" if you wanted active voice - not sure if it would make it better but wouldn't hurt to try.
I remember my wife always kept the kids' tamagochis alive and she took it so serious - I would roll my eyes but she would be - "IF I DONT DO THIS THEY WILL DIE!"

Quote:The boys left home,
all their unwanted childhood
stashed in boxes,
I found the dead Tamagotchi’s
at the bottom of an assorted Lego box.

Pretty solid.  The metaphor of abandonment is cleanly drawn and effortless here. Children do leave home - it is sad - this is great "empty nester" here.

Quote:They where buried with memories
I'd thought forgotten,
I tried for hours to revive her,
but some things
are just programmed to die.

typo on "where"
Don't know if you need "I'd thought forgotten" but I suppose it isn't hurting anything.
The change from it to her is perfect here.  I would almost prefer if the pronoun matched "the boys" from earlier so we could get that double meaning - just for a second - of reviving the boys

Quote:If I listen too hard, I can still hear the breathing
on nights when I can’t hold my breath any longer.

I don't think you need "too hard" or "still"
"the any longer" hints that the narrator feels they need to speak out.  I wonder if this could be enhanced somehow, not sure

Overall, a treat to read.  One of the best I have read in a while if I am being honest.  I feel like you could do a couple passes for verbiage and voicing and maybe one for rhythm but it is very solid as is and a treat to read.

Thanks for posting.

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(01-26-2026, 10:50 PM)Smiley Wrote:  The seriousness amuses me.

are there any particular lines, words or phrases that you feel set the serious tone?

Its what i can "Read between the lines", the overall impression i get. Also, the way the author treats this, thing, as if it was something more than "just an object".

(01-27-2026, 01:36 AM)Smiley Wrote:  Its what i can "Read between the lines", the overall impression i get. Also, the way the author treats this, thing, as if it was something more than "just an object".

that is a pretty good observation - it is called transference in this case and it is a great technique that the writer displays masterfully.

Do you think it is important to the poem?  Is there anything else you noticed?  What do you suppose the point of the whole thing is?

(01-27-2026, 01:47 AM)milo Wrote:  

(01-27-2026, 01:36 AM)Smiley Wrote:  Its what i can "Read between the lines", the overall impression i get. Also, the way the author treats this, thing, as if it was something more than "just an object".

that is a pretty good observation - it is called transference in this case and it is a great technique that the writer displays masterfully.

Do you think it is important to the poem?  Is there anything else you noticed?  What do you suppose the point of the whole thing is?

Deep question/s. Hm, i dont know. But i think the main importance could b that it is ”animated”. Dont know if this was what Keith was going for but this is what i could ”read” about it. 

I re-read this piece as im writing and the other thing that came to my mind is the message that things end but live on in our memories..

---

Even the name indicates this.. hinting it has got a spirit of some kind, a dimension beyond fysical matter - A ghost. Something that still lingers on.

Its haungtily beautiful