We are all paralyzed between inhale and exhale.
I see it in how the world draws breath while we hold ours.

I see the overwhelmed swell of the wetlands after storms,
the dry heave of dwindling rivers
barren skies denying thirsty fields,
tides choking on tons of plastic.
We hold our breath beneath fluorescent skies,
Afraid to inhale,
Afraid to taste the air we made.

The city’s restless release through rattling vents.
The forest’s lungs, suffocated by the exhaust of traffic.
Politicians’ passionate gusts swirling with oil-slicked promises.

Winds of changes cough quietly,
Clouds swell with smoke.
We hold our breath,
Calling it progress.

The trade winds are shifting,
hauling our fear like cargo.

We sweat and work but still
we fail to act as the heat
presses its palm against the earth.

Monsoons roar through drowned streets,
Breathing too fast, then not at all.
Hurricanes asphyxiate violently:
breathing slower, deeper, exhales of destruction.
Tornadoes twist away from their habitual alleys
touching down on new terrain

Somewhere between
the forest’s inhale and the
the city’s exhale, we live on.

Hi everyone, this is the first poem that I'm posting on here, and I'd appreciate any feedback. I wrote this for a school assignment, and I hope to grow beyond in-school writing (: Thanks for reading everyone!

I like how you weave back and forth between earth and the experience of living on it. I wonder what would happen if you removed all adjectives and adverbs, then see which ones bear adding back in again. Sometimes these descriptive words can get in the way and lessen the impact. I hope you keep writing here. You have a good sense for narration in this poem.

(12-18-2025, 09:38 AM)thewilderhen Wrote:  I like how you weave back and forth between earth and the experience of living on it. I wonder what would happen if you removed all adjectives and adverbs, then see which ones bear adding back in again. Sometimes these descriptive words can get in the way and lessen the impact. I hope you keep writing here. You have a good sense for narration in this poem.

Thank you so much for taking the time to provide feedback! Yes, I often notice that my poems tend to be on the wordy end, and that's a very interesting way to ensure my poem is more precise. Will do

Humans vs. Nature. This battle has been raging for decades. It is refreshing to hear the fight continues. As for your piece; I love your comparative language. Giving natural events human attributes gives them more life and a personal feeling. "afraid to taste the air we made", " restless release through rattling vents", "Politicians’ passionate gusts swirling with oil-slicked promises.", "trade winds are shifting, hauling our fear like cargo.". These are powerful and give a lot of weight to your piece and I'm ok with their placements in the narrative. I would tighten up a few places, though. "tons of plastic", "exhaust of traffic."  aren't quite as strong. Can you find other adjectives and verbs to give these lines more punch? Your opening lines fall a bit weak too. This is such a powerful message that should start off with a stronger punch.

We are all paralyzed between inhale and exhale.                        We are frozen between breaths
I see it in how the world draws breath while we hold ours.          We hold our breath while the earth inhales

I see the overwhelmed swell of the wetlands after storms,          It's in the swell of the wetlands after a storm

Now that I see this, the second line is somewhat redundant as it's already inferred in the first line. But these are some editing ideas you can use to tighten up the language and give it more strength. This is a great piece, great language and comparisons and great flow. Keep up the great work and thank you for sharing.

Reminds me of the importance of taking care of our planet, our home.

(01-23-2026, 08:22 PM)Smiley Wrote:  Reminds me of the importance of taking care of our planet, our home.

I agree, what is your favorite part?

Is there anything you would have done different or is it perfect just like it is?

I like the overall message, cant really put my finger on anything particular. There are lines i fancy thou and i wouldnt change a thing.. i like it for what it is!

(01-24-2026, 01:09 AM)Smiley Wrote:  I like the overall message, cant really put my finger on anything particular. There are lines i fancy thou and i wouldnt change a thing.. i like it for what it is!

Which lines do you fancy?

(01-24-2026, 02:35 AM)milo Wrote:  

(01-24-2026, 01:09 AM)Smiley Wrote:  I like the overall message, cant really put my finger on anything particular. There are lines i fancy thou and i wouldnt change a thing.. i like it for what it is!

Which lines do you fancy?

For starters, i like the name.. its telling me where to put my focus while reading. 

We are all paralyzed between inhale and exhale.
I see it in how the world draws breath while we hold ours.

We hold our breath beneath fluorescent skies,
Afraid to inhale,
Afraid to taste the air we made.

The forest’s lungs, suffocated by the exhaust of traffic.

Then i like the whole verse here - 
Winds of changes cough quietly,
Clouds swell with smoke. 
We hold our breath,
Calling it progress.

breathing slower, deeper, exhales of destruction.
Aaand this one - 
Somewhere between
the forest’s inhale and the
the city’s exhale, we live on.

---

(01-24-2026, 02:35 AM)milo Wrote:  

(01-24-2026, 01:09 AM)Smiley Wrote:  I like the overall message, cant really put my finger on anything particular. There are lines i fancy thou and i wouldnt change a thing.. i like it for what it is!

Which lines do you fancy?

For starters, i like the name.. its telling me where to put my focus while reading. 

We are all paralyzed between inhale and exhale.
I see it in how the world draws breath while we hold ours.

We hold our breath beneath fluorescent skies,
Afraid to inhale,
Afraid to taste the air we made.

The forest’s lungs, suffocated by the exhaust of traffic.

Then i like the whole verse here - 
Winds of changes cough quietly,
Clouds swell with smoke. 
We hold our breath,
Calling it progress.

breathing slower, deeper, exhales of destruction.
Aaand this one - 
Somewhere between
the forest’s inhale and the
the city’s exhale, we live on.

(01-24-2026, 03:24 AM)Smiley Wrote:  

(01-24-2026, 02:35 AM)milo Wrote:  

(01-24-2026, 01:09 AM)Smiley Wrote:  I like the overall message, cant really put my finger on anything particular. There are lines i fancy thou and i wouldnt change a thing.. i like it for what it is!

Which lines do you fancy?

For starters, i like the name.. its telling me where to put my focus while reading. 

We are all paralyzed between inhale and exhale.
I see it in how the world draws breath while we hold ours.

We hold our breath beneath fluorescent skies,
Afraid to inhale,
Afraid to taste the air we made.

The forest’s lungs, suffocated by the exhaust of traffic.

Then i like the whole verse here - 
Winds of changes cough quietly,
Clouds swell with smoke. 
We hold our breath,
Calling it progress.

breathing slower, deeper, exhales of destruction.
Aaand this one - 
Somewhere between
the forest’s inhale and the
the city’s exhale, we live on.

---

(01-24-2026, 02:35 AM)milo Wrote:  

(01-24-2026, 01:09 AM)Smiley Wrote:  I like the overall message, cant really put my finger on anything particular. There are lines i fancy thou and i wouldnt change a thing.. i like it for what it is!

Which lines do you fancy?

For starters, i like the name.. its telling me where to put my focus while reading. 

We are all paralyzed between inhale and exhale.
I see it in how the world draws breath while we hold ours.

We hold our breath beneath fluorescent skies,
Afraid to inhale,
Afraid to taste the air we made.

The forest’s lungs, suffocated by the exhaust of traffic.

Then i like the whole verse here - 
Winds of changes cough quietly,
Clouds swell with smoke. 
We hold our breath,
Calling it progress.

breathing slower, deeper, exhales of destruction.
Aaand this one - 
Somewhere between
the forest’s inhale and the
the city’s exhale, we live on.

Yah, these are some good choices.  I would say the central metaphor compares the breathing of a person to the "breathing" of the planet.

The key line for me is:

The forest’s lungs, suffocated by the exhaust of traffic.

I think that is a great line that really ties it together.  After I connect with that, I read it a second time to see other lines that point to that so I can really appreciate it.

What about the line breaks?  What do you think they add to the poem?  Are they the best they could possibly be?

Thanks for discussing this.

(01-24-2026, 03:31 AM)milo Wrote:  

(01-24-2026, 03:24 AM)Smiley Wrote:  

(01-24-2026, 02:35 AM)milo Wrote:  Which lines do you fancy?

For starters, i like the name.. its telling me where to put my focus while reading. 

We are all paralyzed between inhale and exhale.
I see it in how the world draws breath while we hold ours.

We hold our breath beneath fluorescent skies,
Afraid to inhale,
Afraid to taste the air we made.

The forest’s lungs, suffocated by the exhaust of traffic.

Then i like the whole verse here - 
Winds of changes cough quietly,
Clouds swell with smoke. 
We hold our breath,
Calling it progress.

breathing slower, deeper, exhales of destruction.
Aaand this one - 
Somewhere between
the forest’s inhale and the
the city’s exhale, we live on.

---

(01-24-2026, 02:35 AM)milo Wrote:  Which lines do you fancy?

For starters, i like the name.. its telling me where to put my focus while reading. 

We are all paralyzed between inhale and exhale.
I see it in how the world draws breath while we hold ours.

We hold our breath beneath fluorescent skies,
Afraid to inhale,
Afraid to taste the air we made.

The forest’s lungs, suffocated by the exhaust of traffic.

Then i like the whole verse here - 
Winds of changes cough quietly,
Clouds swell with smoke. 
We hold our breath,
Calling it progress.

breathing slower, deeper, exhales of destruction.
Aaand this one - 
Somewhere between
the forest’s inhale and the
the city’s exhale, we live on.

Yah, these are some good choices.  I would say the central metaphor compares the breathing of a person to the "breathing" of the planet.

The key line for me is:

The forest’s lungs, suffocated by the exhaust of traffic.

I think that is a great line that really ties it together.  After I connect with that, I read it a second time to see other lines that point to that so I can really appreciate it.

What about the line breaks?  What do you think they add to the poem?  Are they the best they could possibly be?

Thanks for discussing this.

yeah, i get your point i think. I dont really know what to say about the breaks. It lookes fine to me thou. Its a pleaure to discuss and "dissect" the poem. I also read it a couple of times to really appreciate the work.

(01-24-2026, 03:38 AM)Smiley Wrote:  

(01-24-2026, 03:31 AM)milo Wrote:  

(01-24-2026, 03:24 AM)Smiley Wrote:  For starters, i like the name.. its telling me where to put my focus while reading. 

We are all paralyzed between inhale and exhale.
I see it in how the world draws breath while we hold ours.

We hold our breath beneath fluorescent skies,
Afraid to inhale,
Afraid to taste the air we made.

The forest’s lungs, suffocated by the exhaust of traffic.

Then i like the whole verse here - 
Winds of changes cough quietly,
Clouds swell with smoke. 
We hold our breath,
Calling it progress.

breathing slower, deeper, exhales of destruction.
Aaand this one - 
Somewhere between
the forest’s inhale and the
the city’s exhale, we live on.

---

For starters, i like the name.. its telling me where to put my focus while reading. 

We are all paralyzed between inhale and exhale.
I see it in how the world draws breath while we hold ours.

We hold our breath beneath fluorescent skies,
Afraid to inhale,
Afraid to taste the air we made.

The forest’s lungs, suffocated by the exhaust of traffic.

Then i like the whole verse here - 
Winds of changes cough quietly,
Clouds swell with smoke. 
We hold our breath,
Calling it progress.

breathing slower, deeper, exhales of destruction.
Aaand this one - 
Somewhere between
the forest’s inhale and the
the city’s exhale, we live on.

Yah, these are some good choices.  I would say the central metaphor compares the breathing of a person to the "breathing" of the planet.

The key line for me is:

The forest’s lungs, suffocated by the exhaust of traffic.

I think that is a great line that really ties it together.  After I connect with that, I read it a second time to see other lines that point to that so I can really appreciate it.

What about the line breaks?  What do you think they add to the poem?  Are they the best they could possibly be?

Thanks for discussing this.

yeah, i get your point i think. I dont really know what to say about the breaks. It lookes fine to me thou. Its a pleaure to discuss and "dissect" the poem. I also read it a couple of times to really appreciate the work.

We have had a lot of great discussions on line breaks right on this site, helpful ella should be along with some links shortly.  I have been an advocate for the power of line breaks

essentially, line breaks in poetry provide extra emphasis and a solid pause for thought.  They should be used on important words, hopefully ones that point to the central metaphor.

Line breaks can be used to:

1. Add meaning and nuance by breaking between a thought and then turning on the break
   
2. Strengthen your central metaphor and build layers of meaning
   
3. add tension and anticipation
   
4. other random effects like whimsy, humour, etc.
   

general consensus is to NOT break on conjunctions, articles or prepositions without good cause (words like and, or, but, the, to, etc)

(01-24-2026, 03:45 AM)milo Wrote:  

(01-24-2026, 03:38 AM)Smiley Wrote:  

(01-24-2026, 03:31 AM)milo Wrote:  Yah, these are some good choices.  I would say the central metaphor compares the breathing of a person to the "breathing" of the planet.

The key line for me is:

The forest’s lungs, suffocated by the exhaust of traffic.

I think that is a great line that really ties it together.  After I connect with that, I read it a second time to see other lines that point to that so I can really appreciate it.

What about the line breaks?  What do you think they add to the poem?  Are they the best they could possibly be?

Thanks for discussing this.

yeah, i get your point i think. I dont really know what to say about the breaks. It lookes fine to me thou. Its a pleaure to discuss and "dissect" the poem. I also read it a couple of times to really appreciate the work.

We have had a lot of great discussions on line breaks right on this site, helpful ella should be along with some links shortly.  I have been an advocate for the power of line breaks

essentially, line breaks in poetry provide extra emphasis and a solid pause for thought.  They should be used on important words, hopefully ones that point to the central metaphor.

Line breaks can be used to:

1. Add meaning and nuance by breaking between a thought and then turning on the break
   
2. Strengthen your central metaphor and build layers of meaning
   
3. add tension and anticipation
   
4. other random effects like whimsy, humour, etc.
   

general consensus is to NOT break on conjunctions, articles or prepositions without good cause (words like and, or, but, the, to, etc)

Should they be to emphasize certain important words and/or where it rhymes?

(01-24-2026, 03:51 AM)Smiley Wrote:  

(01-24-2026, 03:45 AM)milo Wrote:  

(01-24-2026, 03:38 AM)Smiley Wrote:  yeah, i get your point i think. I dont really know what to say about the breaks. It lookes fine to me thou. Its a pleaure to discuss and "dissect" the poem. I also read it a couple of times to really appreciate the work.

We have had a lot of great discussions on line breaks right on this site, helpful ella should be along with some links shortly.  I have been an advocate for the power of line breaks

essentially, line breaks in poetry provide extra emphasis and a solid pause for thought.  They should be used on important words, hopefully ones that point to the central metaphor.

Line breaks can be used to:

1. Add meaning and nuance by breaking between a thought and then turning on the break
   
2. Strengthen your central metaphor and build layers of meaning
   
3. add tension and anticipation
   
4. other random effects like whimsy, humour, etc.
   

general consensus is to NOT break on conjunctions, articles or prepositions without good cause (words like and, or, but, the, to, etc)

Should they be to emphasize certain important words and/or where it rhymes?

If you are writing in free verse then, yah, your breaks should fall on important words.

If you are writing in end rhymed verse than you should pick important words for your end rhymes 

(12-17-2025, 06:38 AM)tweetywrites Wrote:  We are all paralyzed between inhale and exhale.
I see it in how the world draws breath while we hold ours.

I see the overwhelmed swell of the wetlands after storms,
the dry heave of dwindling rivers
barren skies denying thirsty fields,
tides choking on tons of plastic.
We hold our breath beneath fluorescent skies,
Afraid to inhale,
Afraid to taste the air we made.

The city’s restless release through rattling vents.
The forest’s lungs, suffocated by the exhaust of traffic.
Politicians’ passionate gusts swirling with oil-slicked promises.

Winds of changes cough quietly,
Clouds swell with smoke.
We hold our breath,
Calling it progress.

The trade winds are shifting,
hauling our fear like cargo.

We sweat and work but still
we fail to act as the heat
presses its palm against the earth.

Monsoons roar through drowned streets,
Breathing too fast, then not at all.
Hurricanes asphyxiate violently:
breathing slower, deeper, exhales of destruction.
Tornadoes twist away from their habitual alleys
touching down on new terrain

Somewhere between
the forest’s inhale and the
the city’s exhale, we live on.

Hi everyone, this is the first poem that I'm posting on here, and I'd appreciate any feedback. I wrote this for a school assignment, and I hope to grow beyond in-school writing (: Thanks for reading everyone!

Yeah, so...I don't really have much to say about this poem except that I found it very moving. I'm a bit of a tree-hugger as one would call it, and your work just resonated with me. Keep up the good work! I can't wait to see what else you write!

(01-24-2026, 07:47 AM)yourlocalaliyen Wrote:  

(12-17-2025, 06:38 AM)tweetywrites Wrote:  We are all paralyzed between inhale and exhale.
I see it in how the world draws breath while we hold ours.

I see the overwhelmed swell of the wetlands after storms,
the dry heave of dwindling rivers
barren skies denying thirsty fields,
tides choking on tons of plastic.
We hold our breath beneath fluorescent skies,
Afraid to inhale,
Afraid to taste the air we made.

The city’s restless release through rattling vents.
The forest’s lungs, suffocated by the exhaust of traffic.
Politicians’ passionate gusts swirling with oil-slicked promises.

Winds of changes cough quietly,
Clouds swell with smoke.
We hold our breath,
Calling it progress.

The trade winds are shifting,
hauling our fear like cargo.

We sweat and work but still
we fail to act as the heat
presses its palm against the earth.

Monsoons roar through drowned streets,
Breathing too fast, then not at all.
Hurricanes asphyxiate violently:
breathing slower, deeper, exhales of destruction.
Tornadoes twist away from their habitual alleys
touching down on new terrain

Somewhere between
the forest’s inhale and the
the city’s exhale, we live on.

Hi everyone, this is the first poem that I'm posting on here, and I'd appreciate any feedback. I wrote this for a school assignment, and I hope to grow beyond in-school writing (: Thanks for reading everyone!

Yeah, so...I don't really have much to say about this poem except that I found it very moving. I'm a bit of a tree-hugger as one would call it, and your work just resonated with me. Keep up the good work! I can't wait to see what else you write!

Were there any parts that you liked in particular?

(01-24-2026, 07:56 AM)milo Wrote:  

(01-24-2026, 07:47 AM)yourlocalaliyen Wrote:  

(12-17-2025, 06:38 AM)tweetywrites Wrote:  We are all paralyzed between inhale and exhale.
I see it in how the world draws breath while we hold ours.

I see the overwhelmed swell of the wetlands after storms,
the dry heave of dwindling rivers
barren skies denying thirsty fields,
tides choking on tons of plastic.
We hold our breath beneath fluorescent skies,
Afraid to inhale,
Afraid to taste the air we made.

The city’s restless release through rattling vents.
The forest’s lungs, suffocated by the exhaust of traffic.
Politicians’ passionate gusts swirling with oil-slicked promises.

Winds of changes cough quietly,
Clouds swell with smoke.
We hold our breath,
Calling it progress.

The trade winds are shifting,
hauling our fear like cargo.

We sweat and work but still
we fail to act as the heat
presses its palm against the earth.

Monsoons roar through drowned streets,
Breathing too fast, then not at all.
Hurricanes asphyxiate violently:
breathing slower, deeper, exhales of destruction.
Tornadoes twist away from their habitual alleys
touching down on new terrain

Somewhere between
the forest’s inhale and the
the city’s exhale, we live on.

Hi everyone, this is the first poem that I'm posting on here, and I'd appreciate any feedback. I wrote this for a school assignment, and I hope to grow beyond in-school writing (: Thanks for reading everyone!

Yeah, so...I don't really have much to say about this poem except that I found it very moving. I'm a bit of a tree-hugger as one would call it, and your work just resonated with me. Keep up the good work! I can't wait to see what else you write!

Were there any parts that you liked in particular?

If I had to choose, I'd say the second stanza and the last stanza. Idk why but those two just live in my head now.

(01-24-2026, 07:59 AM)yourlocalaliyen Wrote:  

(01-24-2026, 07:56 AM)milo Wrote:  

(01-24-2026, 07:47 AM)yourlocalaliyen Wrote:  Yeah, so...I don't really have much to say about this poem except that I found it very moving. I'm a bit of a tree-hugger as one would call it, and your work just resonated with me. Keep up the good work! I can't wait to see what else you write!

Were there any parts that you liked in particular?

If I had to choose, I'd say the second stanza and the last stanza. Idk why but those two just live in my head now.

What stood out about those 2 stanzas?

(01-24-2026, 07:59 AM)yourlocalaliyen Wrote:  

(01-24-2026, 07:56 AM)milo Wrote:  

(01-24-2026, 07:47 AM)yourlocalaliyen Wrote:  Yeah, so...I don't really have much to say about this poem except that I found it very moving. I'm a bit of a tree-hugger as one would call it, and your work just resonated with me. Keep up the good work! I can't wait to see what else you write!

Were there any parts that you liked in particular?

If I had to choose, I'd say the second stanza and the last stanza. Idk why but those two just live in my head now.

Oh, good choice! I can see the appeal how it begins and ends in the same spirit.

(01-24-2026, 08:09 AM)Smiley Wrote:  

(01-24-2026, 07:59 AM)yourlocalaliyen Wrote:  

(01-24-2026, 07:56 AM)milo Wrote:  Were there any parts that you liked in particular?

If I had to choose, I'd say the second stanza and the last stanza. Idk why but those two just live in my head now.

Oh, good choice! I can see the appeal how it begins and ends in the same spirit.

That is a pretty interesting observation, I am going to read it again to see if I experience the same thing