Rorschach

I rip the stems of roses,
raptured from all that is bleak.
I, too, crumble like stone into soil,
organic, unlike the silver boxes.

There, I discover desolation,
my belly, full of earth.
Roots lap up my blood
like thirsty stallions
fighting for radiance
among the wild wheat.

And I ask the masses,
what does it mean—
the linguistic garden in which I lay?

This beauty, vivid in its chaos,
chaotic in its beauty.
Each phrase a trophy
for those clever enough to nod.

You know, don’t you?
Tell me you see the depth,
show me the richness of your pretense.

Hey everyone... I have been a bit MIA here.... But i do linger every so often to read your poetry. I wrote this one recently, and would like to work on it a bit. If you have any critiques or suggestions let me know. This is sort of two poems in one... and I'm not sure if it is coming across correctly. In the third stanza I was debating on changing "what does it mean" to "what does that mean" to point to the above two stanzas. Or maybe even add a ~ after stanza two.... or if I should keep it as is. 

(11-16-2025, 04:55 AM)carahmellow Wrote:  Rorschach

I rip the stems of roses, I love this opening line, especially because the title sets it in such a psychological setting. I wonder whether the follow on lines are a little too abstract? 
raptured from all that is bleak.
I, too, crumble like stone into soil,
organic, unlike the silver boxes. I might be missing the reference to silver boxes? 

There, I discover desolation,
my belly, full of earth.
Roots lap up my blood These three lines are bleak. The decaying of our buried flesh.
like thirsty stallions
fighting for radiance
among the wild wheat. I get lost here - why are the stallions thirsty and seeking radiance among the wild wheat? BUT this does make better sense if you make that change you were pondering for below "what does THAT mean". The tilde (hoping that's what it's called) might also help here to delineate a poem within a poem. 

And I ask the masses,
what does it mean—
the linguistic garden in which I lay? Are you dying among your words?

This beauty, vivid in its chaos,
chaotic in its beauty. I like the inversion of this but wonder is it too cliche? Could you somehow twist it and make it unexpected?
Each phrase a trophy
for those clever enough to nod. This challenges the reader and loops back to the inferiority we can feel when looking at Rorschach tests and wondering whether there's a correct answer we're supposed to see.

You know, don’t you?
Tell me you see the depth,
show me the richness of your pretense.

Hey everyone... I have been a bit MIA here.... But i do linger every so often to read your poetry. I wrote this one recently, and would like to work on it a bit. If you have any critiques or suggestions let me know. This is sort of two poems in one... and I'm not sure if it is coming across correctly. In the third stanza I was debating on changing "what does it mean" to "what does that mean" to point to the above two stanzas. Or maybe even add a ~ after stanza two.... or if I should keep it as is. 

Hi caramellow, 

I went a bit deep above. I enjoyed the concept of the layers of language and poetry, and the pretentiousness of critique (yet, here I am!). I think your ideas for improvement might add to it but maybe you want to keep the reader unsettled. Isn't that the point, after all?