hollow yet full,
heavy-- dead weight,
my body is a temple,
a destiny i create.

i love it, i hate it,
i urge to change it, artifically,
superficially,
for the eyes of the beholder.

like rivers and hills,
or a dusty, orphaned mine,
your body is monetary,
losing value with time.

i want to be pretty and perfect and petite,
i want to be wanted,
someone's craving, so sweet.

but time advances while my thinking stays put,
losing my chances to feel free and beautiful,
a duality that seems senseless,
defenseless i stand.

one day i will be older,
cracking, creasing,
my body done leasing,
my time on this earth,
i wonder then,
if ever, when,
will i ever feel beautiful?




I wrote this poem very quickly and without much editing, so I am definitely looking for some feedback/suggestions! Thanks

-i think if you moved the first stanza to somewhere around the end it would flow better. it feels like you're kind of jumping the gun, if that makes sense? but that's mostly just going off of vibes
-i really like the lines "someones craving" and "my body done leasing", i think you can do more with these if you wanted, though they already work as is.
-there's a couple of places where i feel like the shifts between lines might be improved. like, "i urge to change it, artifically, / superficially," could be "i urge to change it, / artifically, superficially," and "while i stay put / losing my chances" could be one line.
-i find it interesting how rivers and hills actually don't lose value over time, but on my first read I just kind of glossed over it. i suppose that's parallel to the real world- insist the body depreciates in value and you'll shift the rest of your worldview to account for it. i really like that part.
-but... why "you" in that st.? 
-overall very nice read

I really enjoy your use of grammar, such as the commas and the double dash you used in the first line, "hollow yet full, heavy--". It gives the poem a good rythmn and flow. I am however not entirely sure your metaphor about rivers and hills makes sense because I don't see why their value is monetary or why it'd decrease over time. I'm also not sure about the intention behind using the words "artificially, superficially" simultaneously when they both mean the same thing. Is it for emphasis? If so then why use a synonym? Is it just a rhyme for the sake of rhyming? Overall, though, I do like the poem, it does a good job of getting across the feeling you wanted to portray.

for a piece that was made "very quickly' and with "very little editing" it is good. It perfectly depicts the insecurities of the human condition and the prolonged effects of this type of condition. I personally feel this way all the time, but there are also times when I can feel a light shining through, a melancholy type of feeling, and then i realize that "yes things are dark and gloomy" but I am aware, and I will make it out no matter what it costs me.

For a rushed piece, I found this very moving. Though, maybe in the second stanza, you could move the words around so they had more emotional weight. I'm bad at explaining, but I mean something like this:

"i love it, i hate it,
i urge to change it,
artificially,
superficially,
for the eyes of the 
beholder."

And, in this stanza, does the beholder mean your lover? Or someone else? And, like someone else mentioned, the rivers and hills metaphor doesn't really make sense to me, though maybe I'm the dumb one . Also (I might be word vomiting but I keep noticing other things to mention lol) the last stanza was like a breath of fresh air for me. Overall, amazing job and I wish you well in all your work.

I really enjoy this one. The subject is identifiable, the use of rhyming is varied, which always keeps you on your toes, and most of all it felt so real. And I feel something reading it!

I wish I could be this clever. ^^

(10-01-2025, 10:44 PM)shady Wrote:  hollow yet full,
heavy-- dead weight,
my body is a temple,
a destiny i create.

i love it, i hate it,
i urge now to change it,
artificially, superficially,
for the eyes of a beholder and let's say originally.

like rivers and hills,
or a dusty, orphaned mine,
your a body is monetary,
losing value with time.

i want to be pretty and perfect and petite,
i want to be wanted,
someone's craving, so sweet.

but time it advances
while my thinking stays put,
losing and so all of my chances to feel free and beautiful
they are going kaput,
a duality that seems senseless,
defenseless i stand.

one day i will be 
each day I am older,
and cracking and creasing,
my body done leasing,
my time on this earth,
by the day is decreasing
i wonder then,
if ever, or when,
will i ever feel beautiful
or never again?




I wrote this poem very quickly and without much editing, so I am definitely looking for some feedback/suggestions! Thanks

You have used rhyme in a way that initially at the start suggests or creates the expectation of a coherent rhythmic/rhyme scheme. The last line of the second stanza is a devastating disappointment in this regard.