I can only give so much strength until I break
Until I shatter under the weight
I sit now antipathetic to the cracks which now writhe
For my mental tithe to the void works me down to bone
Inexorable anxiety about nothing in particular
You think yourself more than perpendicular to my trajectory
But the trigonometry that governs our paths through life says otherwise
I will keep on being me
Maybe not here though, i’d like to be elsewhere
Where my entropic probabilities doesn’t bother others
And where I can get away from the chaos here already
So i can stop giving strength to the people that don't matter to me
I’d rather leave than give in to your demands

I'm just presuming that your about to critique a poem in this forum, that's how it works.
But anyway here's a couple of things

(03-12-2025, 10:19 PM)hyperviolet Wrote:  
I can only give so much strength until I break
Until I shatter under the weight
I sit now antipathetic to the cracks which now writhe - careful of big words for the sake of it, do cracks writhe?
For my mental tithe to the void works me down to bone - I've looked up 'tithe' and still none the wiser
Inexorable anxiety about nothing in particular - I like this line
You think yourself more than perpendicular to my trajectory
But the trigonometry that governs our paths through life says otherwise
I will keep on being me - there something about these four lines that shows you've got rhythm and an ear for an internal rhyme - it doesn't all make sense though 
Maybe not here though, i’d like to be elsewhere
Where my entropic probabilities doesn’t bother others
And where I can get away from the chaos here already
So i can stop giving strength to the people that don't matter to me
I’d rather leave than give in to your demands - the last three lines seem to be the crux of what you're trying to say

anyway,

also - is the title a file format?

(03-12-2025, 10:19 PM)hyperviolet Wrote:  
I can only give so much strength until I break
Until I shatter under the weight
I sit now antipathetic to the cracks which now writhe
For my mental tithe to the void works me down to bone
Inexorable anxiety about nothing in particular
You think yourself more than perpendicular to my trajectory
But the trigonometry that governs our paths through life says otherwise
I will keep on being me
Maybe not here though, i’d like to be elsewhere
Where my entropic probabilities doesn’t bother others
And where I can get away from the chaos here already
So i can stop giving strength to the people that don't matter to me
I’d rather leave than give in to your demands

(03-12-2025, 10:42 PM)Magpie Wrote:  I'm just presuming that your about to critique a poem in this forum, that's how it works.
But anyway here's a couple of things

(03-12-2025, 10:19 PM)hyperviolet Wrote:  
I can only give so much strength until I break
Until I shatter under the weight
I sit now antipathetic to the cracks which now writhe - careful of big words for the sake of it, do cracks writhe? - I mean, if you look at images of like cracks in bricks, I'd call that "writhing"; in the same way that you could say a snake "writhes".
For my mental tithe to the void works me down to bone - I've looked up 'tithe' and still none the wiser - A tithe is a payment to attend a religious conference / a payment to some higher power for some service.  I'm basically trying to say I have some psuedo-religious debt to "the void" 
Inexorable anxiety about nothing in particular - I like this line - Thanks :3
You think yourself more than perpendicular to my trajectory
But the trigonometry that governs our paths through life says otherwise
I will keep on being me - there something about these four lines that shows you've got rhythm and an ear for an internal rhyme - it doesn't all make sense  though - Good to know.
Maybe not here though, i’d like to be elsewhere
Where my entropic probabilities doesn’t bother others
And where I can get away from the chaos here already
So i can stop giving strength to the people that don't matter to me
I’d rather leave than give in to your demands - the last three lines seem to be the crux of what you're trying to say - Yeah, basically

anyway,

also - is the title a file format? - Yes. It's supposed to be that it's a "save file" of my thoughts. Kind of like maybe how I'd imagine you'd store thoughts as a relic in time that can be accessed at any point; kind of like, you know... a save file? :3