I knew the fascination of Darwin,
more than any creature.


Thanks for any feedback ye can give, whether specific or just an overall sense of how much you did or didn't like the poem. (I can take negative feedback, and I'm used to dumping some poems that don't quite make the grade even after editing.) Pointing out any parts that are confusing or too vague would also be very helpful. Thanks very much. Trevor]

I knew the fascination of Darwin,
more than any creature.


Thanks for any feedback ye can give, whether specific or just an overall sense of how much you did or didn't like the poem. (I can take negative feedback, and I'm used to dumping some poems that don't quite make the grade even after editing.) Pointing out any parts that are confusing or too vague would also be very helpful. Thanks very much. Trevor]

In green are some great lines
But overall, the poem has this conflict between observation and commentary that is confusing. Is the narrator meant to be a bible thumper? A fly on the wall?

Hi Busker,

Thanks very much for your take on this. Great to get such feedback. 

For others: did anybody else feel this conflict between observation and commentary? Would ye remove the stanza about religious lessons? Any feedback on it from others would be helpful. Thanks very much. 

Trevor

(12-27-2024, 05:25 AM)busker Wrote:  I knew the fascination of Darwin,

spreading my book in a Sligo classroom.

The damp-aired prefab bred spores of perspective,

to peer into life on another level:

 

the functional porridge of a cell,

neurons, chlorophyll, unravelling DNA. ...'neurons' are an odd choice here. The rest are cell constituents.

I developed a fondness for liver fluke,

an admiration, even.

 

Earthworms and grass were rich cousins;

enzymes and equations hid in my breath.

And how could I ever have imagined

the humble beginnings of the horse?

 

We had forty-five minutes – no more –

to ivy our brains over these pages

that curled to soft edges, frescoed with ink,

the cryptic or crude remarks of previous owners.

 

Biology uncled an explanation

juicier than any religion.

We blindly accepted its facts,

knowing them as the fruits of study.

 

And yet, we sat through religion lessons,  ..... the 'and yet' is confusing for me. Even to a child, biology is not taught in a vacuum, but starts with what can be observed with a magnifying glass and simple or compound microscope. Not to mention the everyday interaction cell cultures and vaccines. There is no such equivalent experience in religious study. The contrast drawn between biology and religion is based on an after-the-fact value judgement and is at odds with the observational quality of the rest of the poem.  

where vague principles hung like murky pond scum,

while the sonnets and acts of an English class

led me to the cleanest page.

 

Where’s that book now?

Wrapped in the recesses

of a canvas schoolbag,

tattooed with someone else’s thoughts?

 

On its pages, fossils of a former me remain

in inky bruises and hollow phrases. ... again, 'hollow' is a confusing value judgement. Is it that the narrator never bothered to open a science textbook after the 12 years of school and is writing from that point of view?

They’d fascinate me now

more than any creature.


Thanks for any feedback ye can give, whether specific or just an overall sense of how much you did or didn't like the poem. (I can take negative feedback, and I'm used to dumping some poems that don't quite make the grade even after editing.) Pointing out any parts that are confusing or too vague would also be very helpful. Thanks very much. Trevor]

In green are some great lines
But overall, the poem has this conflict between observation and commentary that is confusing. Is the narrator meant to be a bible thumper? A fly on the wall?

(12-27-2024, 06:40 PM)TrevorConway Wrote:  Hi Busker,

Thanks very much for your take on this. Great to get such feedback. 

For others: did anybody else feel this conflict between observation and commentary? Would ye remove the stanza about religious lessons? Any feedback on it from others would be helpful. Thanks very much. 

Trevor

(12-27-2024, 05:25 AM)busker Wrote:  I knew the fascination of Darwin,

spreading my book in a Sligo classroom.

The damp-aired prefab bred spores of perspective,

to peer into life on another level:

 

the functional porridge of a cell,

neurons, chlorophyll, unravelling DNA. ...'neurons' are an odd choice here. The rest are cell constituents.

I developed a fondness for liver fluke,

an admiration, even.

 

Earthworms and grass were rich cousins;

enzymes and equations hid in my breath.

And how could I ever have imagined

the humble beginnings of the horse?

 

We had forty-five minutes – no more –

to ivy our brains over these pages

that curled to soft edges, frescoed with ink,

the cryptic or crude remarks of previous owners.

 

Biology uncled an explanation

juicier than any religion.

We blindly accepted its facts,

knowing them as the fruits of study.

 

And yet, we sat through religion lessons,  ..... the 'and yet' is confusing for me. Even to a child, biology is not taught in a vacuum, but starts with what can be observed with a magnifying glass and simple or compound microscope. Not to mention the everyday interaction cell cultures and vaccines. There is no such equivalent experience in religious study. The contrast drawn between biology and religion is based on an after-the-fact value judgement and is at odds with the observational quality of the rest of the poem.  

where vague principles hung like murky pond scum,

while the sonnets and acts of an English class

led me to the cleanest page.

 

Where’s that book now?

Wrapped in the recesses

of a canvas schoolbag,

tattooed with someone else’s thoughts?

 

On its pages, fossils of a former me remain

in inky bruises and hollow phrases. ... again, 'hollow' is a confusing value judgement. Is it that the narrator never bothered to open a science textbook after the 12 years of school and is writing from that point of view?

They’d fascinate me now

more than any creature.


Thanks for any feedback ye can give, whether specific or just an overall sense of how much you did or didn't like the poem. (I can take negative feedback, and I'm used to dumping some poems that don't quite make the grade even after editing.) Pointing out any parts that are confusing or too vague would also be very helpful. Thanks very much. Trevor]

In green are some great lines
But overall, the poem has this conflict between observation and commentary that is confusing. Is the narrator meant to be a bible thumper? A fly on the wall?

---

On a macro perspective which is just me, I would skip stanzas 4, 5, 6. Then it narrates better totally. The questions remain and the belief does too without getting bogged down by the middle bit which is a bit like filler.

I loved the line- The damp-aired prefab bred spores of perspective,

Tony

Thanks, Tony. I appreciate your take on this. Certainly worth considering that as long as it doesn't make the poem feel too one-dimensional. Will test it both ways.

Thanks again,

T

(01-03-2025, 01:18 PM)ton321 Wrote:  

(12-27-2024, 06:40 PM)TrevorConway Wrote:  Hi Busker,

Thanks very much for your take on this. Great to get such feedback. 

For others: did anybody else feel this conflict between observation and commentary? Would ye remove the stanza about religious lessons? Any feedback on it from others would be helpful. Thanks very much. 

Trevor

(12-27-2024, 05:25 AM)busker Wrote:  I knew the fascination of Darwin,

spreading my book in a Sligo classroom.

The damp-aired prefab bred spores of perspective,

to peer into life on another level:

 

the functional porridge of a cell,

neurons, chlorophyll, unravelling DNA. ...'neurons' are an odd choice here. The rest are cell constituents.

I developed a fondness for liver fluke,

an admiration, even.

 

Earthworms and grass were rich cousins;

enzymes and equations hid in my breath.

And how could I ever have imagined

the humble beginnings of the horse?

 

We had forty-five minutes – no more –

to ivy our brains over these pages

that curled to soft edges, frescoed with ink,

the cryptic or crude remarks of previous owners.

 

Biology uncled an explanation

juicier than any religion.

We blindly accepted its facts,

knowing them as the fruits of study.

 

And yet, we sat through religion lessons,  ..... the 'and yet' is confusing for me. Even to a child, biology is not taught in a vacuum, but starts with what can be observed with a magnifying glass and simple or compound microscope. Not to mention the everyday interaction cell cultures and vaccines. There is no such equivalent experience in religious study. The contrast drawn between biology and religion is based on an after-the-fact value judgement and is at odds with the observational quality of the rest of the poem.  

where vague principles hung like murky pond scum,

while the sonnets and acts of an English class

led me to the cleanest page.

 

Where’s that book now?

Wrapped in the recesses

of a canvas schoolbag,

tattooed with someone else’s thoughts?

 

On its pages, fossils of a former me remain

in inky bruises and hollow phrases. ... again, 'hollow' is a confusing value judgement. Is it that the narrator never bothered to open a science textbook after the 12 years of school and is writing from that point of view?

They’d fascinate me now

more than any creature.


Thanks for any feedback ye can give, whether specific or just an overall sense of how much you did or didn't like the poem. (I can take negative feedback, and I'm used to dumping some poems that don't quite make the grade even after editing.) Pointing out any parts that are confusing or too vague would also be very helpful. Thanks very much. Trevor]

In green are some great lines
But overall, the poem has this conflict between observation and commentary that is confusing. Is the narrator meant to be a bible thumper? A fly on the wall?

---

On a macro perspective which is just me, I would skip stanzas 4, 5, 6. Then it narrates better totally. The questions remain and the belief does too without getting bogged down by the middle bit which is a bit like filler.

I loved the line- The damp-aired prefab bred spores of perspective,

Tony

(12-26-2024, 09:44 PM)TrevorConway Wrote:  I knew the fascination of Darwin,    the double meaning is what won me over on this first line, BUT it might work better to switch the first two lines. or cut second line....

spreading my book in a Sligo classroom.

The damp-aired prefab bred spores of perspective,   

to peer into life on another level:   I was struggling with how to reorganize this first stanza so I just offered an example below

I knew the fascination of Darwin,

my book spread in that Sligo classroom-

a damp-aired prefab breeding spores (spores bred)

to know life on another level:

 

the functional porridge of a cell,  porridge is inspired

neurons, chlorophyll, unravelling DNA.  neurons not so much, doesn't fit previous line as not 'porridge of a cell'  golgi, mitochondria, ribosomes, endoplasmic reticulum...

I developed a fondness for liver fluke,  confess

an admiration, even.   missed opportunity to tie this into next stanza.  As is, not a strong way to end a stanza.  ,how?

 

Earthworms and grasses were rich cousins;  are?

enzymes and equations hid in my breath.  swirl, mix....anything but 'hid'.  This line seems overly poetic either way 'in my breath', seems cliche.

And how could I ever have imagined

the humble beginnings of the horse?

 

We had forty-five minutes – no more –

to ivy our brains over these pages

that curled to soft edges, frescoed with the ink,

the cryptic or crude, remarks of previous owners.  'frescoed' is good but I think the ending could be tightened by cutting 'cryptic or crude'.  Kill the darlings...darling.

 

Biology uncled an explanation  I looked up 'uncled' and it doesn't seem to be a word.  So I would come up with something else.

juicier than any religion.

We blindly accepted its facts,  not what, I think, you are going for here.  Isn't this the main criticism of religion?

knowing them as the fruits of study.   I think you could extend the Eden metaphor here; eg we eagerly consumed our apples...etc.

 

And yet, we sat through religion lessons,

where vague principles hung like murky pond scum,  just as a line comment...murky is redundant and pond scum doesn't hang.

while the sonnets and acts of an English class

led me to the cleanest page.   with changes this stanza would work better earlier, maybe...

 

Where’s that book now?  I assume you are going for ambiguity here between Darwin and the Bible.  Another reason I think the previous stanza would work better earlier.

Perhaps Wrapped in the recesses

of a canvas schoolbag,

tattooed with someone else’s thoughts?  last lines are great

 

On its pages, perhaps, fossils of me remain  maybe?

in inky bruises and hollow phrases.

They’d fascinate me now  They

more than any creature.

I have made a number of suggestions above.  I hope you find them useful.

Hi Brynmawr,

Thank you very, very much for such a close reading of this. Yes, your suggestions are extremely useful. I'll give them a bit of thought before going at my next draft. You've equipped me very well to do so.

Thanks again,

Trevor
 

(01-08-2025, 01:04 PM)brynmawr1 Wrote:  

(12-26-2024, 09:44 PM)TrevorConway Wrote:  I knew the fascination of Darwin,    the double meaning is what won me over on this first line, BUT it might work better to switch the first two lines. or cut second line....

spreading my book in a Sligo classroom.

The damp-aired prefab bred spores of perspective,   

to peer into life on another level:   I was struggling with how to reorganize this first stanza so I just offered an example below

I knew the fascination of Darwin,

my book spread in that Sligo classroom-

a damp-aired prefab breeding spores (spores bred)

to know life on another level:

 

the functional porridge of a cell,  porridge is inspired

neurons, chlorophyll, unravelling DNA.  neurons not so much, doesn't fit previous line as not 'porridge of a cell'  golgi, mitochondria, ribosomes, endoplasmic reticulum...

I developed a fondness for liver fluke,  confess

an admiration, even.   missed opportunity to tie this into next stanza.  As is, not a strong way to end a stanza.  ,how?

 

Earthworms and grasses were rich cousins;  are?

enzymes and equations hid in my breath.  swirl, mix....anything but 'hid'.  This line seems overly poetic either way 'in my breath', seems cliche.

And how could I ever have imagined

the humble beginnings of the horse?

 

We had forty-five minutes – no more –

to ivy our brains over these pages

that curled to soft edges, frescoed with the ink,

the cryptic or crude, remarks of previous owners.  'frescoed' is good but I think the ending could be tightened by cutting 'cryptic or crude'.  Kill the darlings...darling.

 

Biology uncled an explanation  I looked up 'uncled' and it doesn't seem to be a word.  So I would come up with something else.

juicier than any religion.

We blindly accepted its facts,  not what, I think, you are going for here.  Isn't this the main criticism of religion?

knowing them as the fruits of study.   I think you could extend the Eden metaphor here; eg we eagerly consumed our apples...etc.

 

And yet, we sat through religion lessons,

where vague principles hung like murky pond scum,  just as a line comment...murky is redundant and pond scum doesn't hang.

while the sonnets and acts of an English class

led me to the cleanest page.   with changes this stanza would work better earlier, maybe...

 

Where’s that book now?  I assume you are going for ambiguity here between Darwin and the Bible.  Another reason I think the previous stanza would work better earlier.

Perhaps Wrapped in the recesses

of a canvas schoolbag,

tattooed with someone else’s thoughts?  last lines are great

 

On its pages, perhaps, fossils of me remain  maybe?

in inky bruises and hollow phrases.

They’d fascinate me now  They

more than any creature.

I have made a number of suggestions above.  I hope you find them useful.