Tardive Dyskinesia  - Version 2 05/02/26

Locked in
a secure ward, 
a medicated occupant
tilts his head back
to compensate for eyeballs 
rolling up into a vacant skull.
    Drool 
           drips 
     down
from a gaping mouth
until a nurse arrives
to realign the cranium
toward the dinner plate.

I can't sit
with the others
-- it upsets them

 
Tardive Dyskinesia

Locked in
a secure ward a medicated occupant
tilts his head back
to compensate for eyeballs rolling
up into a vacant skull.
Mouth begins to gape and drool
drips down disgustingly
until a nurse comes along
to realign the cranium
towards the dinner plate.

I can't sit
with the other patients
-- it upsets them 

(12-19-2024, 07:10 AM)Magpie Wrote:  Tardive Dyskinesia i like learning new things

Locked in
a secure ward a medicated occupant maybe a comma after ward? Something to pause
tilts his head back
to compensate for eyeballs rolling
up into a vacant skull. Ii can see it
Mouth begins to gape and drool
drips down disgustingly itits already kinda disgusting yiu don't need to tell me it's disgusting, maybe another word
until a nurse comes along
to realign the cranium subject/patient
towards the dinner plate.

I can't sit
with the other patients I like the ending, it puts me in the hospital, makes it more paranoid, who is upset? Me? The nurses? Everyone? Makes the first part unreliable in some ways.  Big thinker for me here.  Thanks for sharing
-- it upsets them

(12-19-2024, 07:10 AM)Magpie Wrote:  Tardive Dyskinesia

Locked in
a secure ward a medicated occupant  Good starting break in regularity - the obvious would be to join l1 with l2 and break after "ward," but l1 stands well alone and/or applying to both the ward and the occupant
tilts his head back
to compensate for eyeballs rolling
up into a vacant skull.  suitably bizarre, but I'm not getting the picture
Mouth begins to gape and drool
drips down disgustingly
until a nurse comes along itching slightly for a more elevated phrase than "comes along" to go with the medical terms
to realign the cranium
towards the dinner plate. I'd say "toward," again elevating the tone a bit.  But "towards" is good:  it's not a refined episode being described.

I can't sit
with the other patients  once again, suitably odd/unexpected line break to match the break in consciousness.
-- it upsets them  payoff of the "who's talking?" instability

(This got even darker after looking up the title.)

In mild to moderate critique, there are some points at which this could be regularized or beautified, but the jolts fit the story.

One thing I noticed is the continually altering implied subject/speaker:  starts in third person (outside observer, then) and goes very objective ("the cranium").  Then, in S2, whiplashes to first person not only trapped but concerned and able to be concerned by his effect on others.  Very effective.

(Looking up the disorder, first thing that hit me was "iatrogenic" which, with its companion "nosocomial," I typed a lot while working in hospital data processing.  That is, the disorder, the symptoms, are *caused* by the drug regime, not the symptoms calling for the drugs.  Which leads off in all directions - did he come to the secure ward already drug-addled, or just a little demented only to be knocked completely for a loop by treatment with "antipsychotics" of which the disorder is a known possible consequence?)

(12-20-2024, 09:35 AM)CRNDLSM Wrote:  

(12-19-2024, 07:10 AM)Magpie Wrote:  Tardive Dyskinesia i like learning new things

Locked in
a secure ward a medicated occupant maybe a comma after ward? Something to pause
tilts his head back
to compensate for eyeballs rolling
up into a vacant skull. Ii can see it
Mouth begins to gape and drool
drips down disgustingly itits already kinda disgusting yiu don't need to tell me it's disgusting, maybe another word
until a nurse comes along
to realign the cranium subject/patient
towards the dinner plate.

I can't sit
with the other patients I like the ending, it puts me in the hospital, makes it more paranoid, who is upset? Me? The nurses? Everyone? Makes the first part unreliable in some ways.  Big thinker for me here.  Thanks for sharing
-- it upsets them

Thanks, you've made some good points that I will include in the edit, I get carried away with alliteration hence the unnecessary 'disgustingly'.

---

(12-20-2024, 09:54 AM)dukealien Wrote:  (This got even darker after looking up the title.)

In mild to moderate critique, there are some points at which this could be regularized or beautified, but the jolts fit the story.

One thing I noticed is the continually altering implied subject/speaker:  starts in third person (outside observer, then) and goes very objective ("the cranium").  Then, in S2, whiplashes to first person not only trapped but concerned and able to be concerned by his effect on others.  Very effective.

(Looking up the disorder, first thing that hit me was "iatrogenic" which, with its companion "nosocomial," I typed a lot while working in hospital data processing.  That is, the disorder, the symptoms, are *caused* by the drug regime, not the symptoms calling for the drugs.  Which leads off in all directions - did he come to the secure ward already drug-addled, or just a little demented only to be knocked completely for a loop by treatment with "antipsychotics" of which the disorder is a known possible consequence?)

Thanks Duke, some good suggestions that will be helpful for the edit.

Your summary is spot on in that the symptoms are caused by the drug regime. Cheers for the extra words to look up .'iatrogenic' and 'nosocomial', always good to learn new stuff.

I've eventually managed to edit this.

Thanks to Duke and CRNDLSM for suggestions.

Good revision. Removing "disgustingly," for example, lets reader draw own conclusion; leave value judgments to the speaker.

Hi, excellent edit.

(12-19-2024, 07:10 AM)Magpie Wrote:  Tardive Dyskinesia  - Version 2 05/02/26

Locked in
a secure ward, 
a medicated occupant Really like this break and and comma, works well.
tilts his head back
to compensate for eyeballs 
rolling up into a vacant skull. Great image.
    Drool 
           drips 
     down                     An instance where this layout really adds , the offset drips slows the line down appropriately
from a gaping mouth
until a nurse arrives.     You lose some of the  nonchalance of "comes along" but I think it's worth it for the lead up to action.
to realign the cranium
toward the dinner plate.

I can't sit
with the others  Yes
-- it upsets them

 
Tardive Dyskinesia

Locked in
a secure ward a medicated occupant
tilts his head back
to compensate for eyeballs rolling
up into a vacant skull.
Mouth begins to gape and drool
drips down disgustingly
until a nurse comes along
to realign the cranium
towards the dinner plate.

I can't sit
with the other patients
-- it upsets them 

I'm so glad you posted this, the time you spent on the edit was well worth it and the subject, while difficult to write about, is most likely in the forefront for anyone using the current medical system, or should be. Well done!