Sea swallow me,
drag me under the waves,
ferocious and cold.

Sea swallow me whole,
thrash me against the rocks
and cut my skin.
Drag me down and consume my lungs
with your salty waters

Sea hold me,
sting my eyes and wipe them clean
cradle and caress me before you let go

Sea,
draw out the chill in my bones,
gouge out my gut 
and rip me in half if you must

Sea let go
you can't hold me so
I can't warm your vast waters
you only yell
and I can only listen

Sea swallow me,
drown me, 
take me down.

Let me go.

Hi, this poem seems more like a thought that gets repeated. The first three lines are a fair opening, they set the scene that the narrator wishes to die in the sea. But that just gets reinforced throughout the rest of the poem. The reader needs more to grasp hold of here, I have lots of questions and no answers. It's hard to empathise with a narrator that has said nothing about themselves except that they want to die.

Sorry if this seems harsh

(12-16-2024, 11:23 AM)Pebbel~Lady Wrote:  Sea swallow me,
drag me under 
your cold ferocious waves. and cold.  - 'ferocious' is a good word choice it sounds like a wild sea

Take it from here and expand

(12-16-2024, 11:23 AM)Pebbel~Lady Wrote:  Sea swallow me,
drag me under the waves,
ferocious and cold.   …. adjectives are best avoided. These are also cliched

Otherwise, nice start 

Sea swallow me whole,
thrash me against the rocks
and cut my skin. ….. thrashing against the rocks does more than cut skin…this feels out of place 
Drag me down and consume my lungs
with your salty waters … nice. Salt water does eat away at things 

Sea hold me,
sting my eyes and wipe them clean
cradle and caress me before you let go

Sea,
draw out the chill in my bones, … ‘chill in my bones’ is cliche
gouge out my gut 
and rip me in half if you must … at this point it’s just becoming a list

Sea let go
you can't hold me so
I can't warm your vast waters
you only yell
and I can only listen …. This bit isn’t related to anything that came before. The sea yelling and the poet listening is unrelated to how it gouges the narrator’s stomach and thrashes him against the rocks  

Sea swallow me,
drown me, 
take me down.

Let me go.

There’s a good start, but no development of the same basic idea. Perhaps something to consider for a revision.

(12-16-2024, 06:52 PM)Magpie Wrote:  Hi, this poem seems more like a thought that gets repeated. The first three lines are a fair opening, they set the scene that the narrator wishes to die in the sea. But that just gets reinforced throughout the rest of the poem. The reader needs more to grasp hold of here, I have lots of questions and no answers. It's hard to empathise with a narrator that has said nothing about themselves except that they want to die.

Sorry if this seems harsh

(12-16-2024, 11:23 AM)Pebbel~Lady Wrote:  Sea swallow me,
drag me under 
your cold ferocious waves. and cold.  - 'ferocious' is a good word choice it sounds like a wild sea

Take it from here and expand

I didn't really think of the repetitiveness like that until now! it's definitely something that I need to tweak a little bit; thank you for the feedback. It'll definitely help me in regards to re-writing and editing it. I need to make it less repetitive and emphasize a little more on the emotions of the "person" talking.

---

(12-16-2024, 09:51 PM)busker Wrote:  

(12-16-2024, 11:23 AM)Pebbel~Lady Wrote:  Sea swallow me,
drag me under the waves,
ferocious and cold.   …. adjectives are best avoided. These are also cliched

Otherwise, nice start 

Sea swallow me whole,
thrash me against the rocks
and cut my skin. ….. thrashing against the rocks does more than cut skin…this feels out of place 
Drag me down and consume my lungs
with your salty waters … nice. Salt water does eat away at things 

Sea hold me,
sting my eyes and wipe them clean
cradle and caress me before you let go

Sea,
draw out the chill in my bones, … ‘chill in my bones’ is cliche
gouge out my gut 
and rip me in half if you must … at this point it’s just becoming a list

Sea let go
you can't hold me so
I can't warm your vast waters
you only yell
and I can only listen …. This bit isn’t related to anything that came before. The sea yelling and the poet listening is unrelated to how it gouges the narrator’s stomach and thrashes him against the rocks  

Sea swallow me,
drown me, 
take me down.

Let me go.

There’s a good start, but no development of the same basic idea. Perhaps something to consider for a revision.

Thank you for your feedback! I definitely agree with a lot of your points, especially Once I step back a little bit. I can see how repetitive it is, how it becomes a list, and how there is no real development, all great points you've made. Although something being cliche doesn't automatically make it bad! I would also like to hear more about your opinion on stanza 5, though, as I found that comment the most interesting.

(12-16-2024, 11:23 AM)Pebbel~Lady Wrote:  Sea swallow me,
drag me under the waves,
ferocious and cold.

Sea swallow me whole, (because you already used "sea swallow me"... it might be nice to change this line, since the first lines in the other stanzas are all different for different affect)
thrash me against the rocks
and cut my skin.
Drag me down and consume my lungs
with your salty waters.

Sea hold me,
sting my eyes and wipe them clean
cradle and caress me before you let go 

Sea,
draw out the chill in my bones,
gouge out my gut 
and rip me in half if you must

Sea let go
you can't hold me so
I can't warm your vast waters
you only yell
and I can only listen

Sea swallow me,
drown me, 
take me down. (one moment you say to swallow you and drown you etc... and in the next you want it to let you go?? I think I understand what you are going for there, but I think it could maybe be worded a bit differently for better affect.... it feels too contradictory to me.)

Let me go.

I really love this poem a lot! I actually love the repetitiveness at the beginning of each stanza, and also love the dark, almost haunting quality of it. definitely the type of poetry I am drawn to. I think this poem might benefit from a title to help some of the issues I had with the last 2 stanzas and might clear up the confusion around what the poem is about. 

Hi Pebbel Lady,

The repetition definitely didn't work for me, even if you use it in order to reflect the repetition of waves in the sea. For me, it just gave a monotonous impression that made the language less dynamic overall. There definitely needs to be some kind of development of the theme. For example, what is behind the speaker's desire to be taken by the sea? Is it a suicidal wish or a more sensual experience that's sought? (As drowning is directly mentioned, I'm getting it's the former, not the latter.) I would like to get more of a sense of who the speaker of the poem is. I also wonder if setting the poem in a concrete place would help. Did you picture a specific place that you know? Could you name it in the poem? What else is there?

Would you be interested in turning it into a more surreal piece? Could a journey be involved, transporting the speaker to some other place?

Thanks for sharing,

Trevor

(12-16-2024, 11:23 AM)Pebbel~Lady Wrote:  Sea swallow me,
drag me under the waves,
ferocious and cold.

Sea swallow me whole,
thrash me against the rocks
and cut my skin.
Drag me down and consume my lungs
with your salty waters

Sea hold me,
sting my eyes and wipe them clean
cradle and caress me before you let go

Sea,
draw out the chill in my bones,
gouge out my gut 
and rip me in half if you must

Sea let go
you can't hold me so
I can't warm your vast waters
you only yell
and I can only listen

Sea swallow me,
drown me, 
take me down.

Let me go.

Hi PL,

I read your poem in an experiential way. And I like it a lot.

I take in poetry, first and foremost, by reading it aloud. And found the rhythm and flow of your poem worked together well when speaking it, and when hearing it. No matter how many times I read it.

I found the repetition rhythmic, and meaningful. Your calling out to the sea as if it is an entity ... an intelligence that might respond to you words ... your pleas ... to be emotional, maybe desperate. All of that experienced while being overwhelmed by the push & pull of the waves.

Additionally, I find it powerful, if my interpretation is correct, that you call for the sea to harm you ... to kill you ... to destroy you ... yet, to let you go. I find that conflict intriguing.

Happily, I find that I was able to thoroughly enjoy and appreciate your poem without requiring that it explain itself to me in full. Or to tell a complete story. Instead, I simply experienced it. And I thank you for sharing it with us.

(12-16-2024, 11:23 AM)Pebbel~Lady Wrote:  Sea swallow me, sibilance here works for me. It works really well actually, and continues throughout the poem to some degree. Lean in, there are areas without it that could use it.
drag me under the waves, bit of a mixed metaphor here, what is the sea doing swallowing or dragging? Might work better if you expand on the swallowing metaphor
ferocious and cold. Ferocious works, cold not so much. The idea is fine—not the most original but it's fine—the word doesn't work for me, it feels a bit lifeless and nondescript. Adjectives are best put before the noun they modify, else they feel melodramatic.

Sea swallow me whole, I like the shift from swallow me to swallow me whole, like it a lot, feels like an appropriate expansion. Lean and more.
thrash me against the rocks again, you'd be much better off to continue with the swallowing metaphor, expanding on it. It may be a cliche, but you can make it your own, give it life, there's something there.
and cut my skin.
Drag me down and consume my lungs nice. Good stuff, really.
with your salty waters

Sea hold me,
sting my eyes and wipe them clean
cradle and caress me before you let go good stanza in theory, this line kind of holds it back for me. It's long, interrupts the fragmented flow, and doesn't add anything new from the previous two lines. Holding is already intimate and loving, wiping eyes is already comforting.

Sea,
draw out the chill in my bones, Now, how's it going to do that, you said it was cold? Or did you mean "draw out" as in "bring to the surface" instead of "remove?" If so, what would it mean about the speaker, to have deeply chilled bones? I'm not quite sure? Either a confused metaphor or an unexplored one, to my eye.
gouge out my gut tonal shift here, visceral, not sure if I get the juxtaposition between the emotional physicality of the previous lines and the raw physicality here.
and rip me in half if you must "and" doesn't work for me, neither does "if you must" if you must in order to what? I don't know what's being said.

Sea let go
you can't hold me so
I can't warm your vast waters
you only yell
and I can only listen 

Sea swallow me,
drown me, 
take me down. I might just be an idiot, but I've lost the plot in these two stanzas. I would offer a more substantive critique, but I actually don't know what you're doing or saying

Let me go. I like this ending. It feels good, feels real.

Hi, I hope I'm not coming across as mean! I really think there's something here, but there's some digging you've got to do to find it, I think. It's got good bones.