Admittance
"Grippy sock vacation"
is a phrase that suggests
a cute twinge to
imprisoned insanity.

Admittance that you can't.
Allowance that they can.
Tears, crying daily that
wash the tile floor.

Wear these socks for awhile
if you want to stay in class.
they could let you wear a hat.
I just want my shoes back.

(11-16-2024, 12:28 PM)Bunx Wrote:  Shoes Back

Grippy sock vacation
is a phrase that puts
a cute tinge to      twinge?
hell on earth.

Admittance that you can't.
Allowance that they can.
Crying tears daily that    Tears cried
bring you down to tile.   wash? clean?  add 'the' before tile?

Wear these socks for awhile.  consider removing the period and putting after 'class'
If you want to stay in class
they could let you wear a hat.  might?
I just want my shoes back.

Hey Bunx,
Sorry it took me so long to stop by.  Anyway, like I said before only minor tweaks if any.  I think the first stanza could be tightened but went round and round and could make it work quite right to feel it was better.  My only other suggestion would be to just be upfront in the title and call it "Psych Ward" or something similar.  My thinking is that a more direct title would contrast nicely with the tone of the poem.
Nice job,
bryn

Hi Bunx, I also meant to comment on this a while back. But I didn't quite get it. The sticking point for me was 'grippy sock vacation' -- after a few reads I eventually googled it and... Yeah it all becomes clear. It may be my British naivety or perhaps I'm just behind a general cultural reference, but 'grippy sock vacation' left me lost. That said put in quotation marks coupled with Bryn's good suggestion of a title change would sort this out.
Anyway...

(11-16-2024, 12:28 PM)Bunx Wrote:  Shoes Back

"Grippy sock vacation"
is a phrase that puts - should 'puts' be 'gives'
a cute tinge to - not sure about this line
hell on earth. - could be seen as cliche

Admittance that you can't.
Allowance that they can.
Crying tears daily that
bring you down to tile.

Wear these socks for awhile.
If you want to stay in class
they could let you wear a hat.
I just want my shoes back.  - last two stanzas content wise are good

The first stanza is the weakest but the rest is good. 

Cheers for the read

Finally got around to this edit. Sorry it took so long I just have been stuggling with creativity lately. My life is dragging since moving home, I've hardly even picked up my bass.

I added a few changes especially to the second stanza. Thanks for the reads and suggestions.

Hi Bunx, good edit. My only suggestion would be a title change because it's already within the poem.

Cheers

Hey Bunx-
Reads like involuntary committment to me.

they could let you wear a hat something like 'funny hat' or 'dunces cap' perhaps

Interesting take on a very serious subject.

Mark

Hey thanks Mark
Im definitely going for a more serious matter of fact tone for the poem. I appreciate the comment and the read!