Sage
The smell of my 
         grandmother’s kitchen…

With her 
               in a polyester house dress,
         her skin as soft 
                as the gown’s 
                        colors were bright.
         Her salt and pepper curls
                         in gold hairpins.

         Her sing-songy yodel
a jumble of
                 mountain stream ramblings,
as vivid flashes 
      of her silly youth
                 tumbled like
                 socks from the dryer
       in her mind’s eye, 
not registering 
                  the view 
                          of the backyard.

“Oh!” 
            She’d suddenly start
                  “I must have been
                                                 a million miles away”

The warm tomatoes
      paid her no mind.
They kept on ripening
          in her sunny window.

Hi Val.
It seems a tad unfocused, to me. Appearing like a sock from a dryer (fabulous image) and then disappearing aging. Feels more like a quick sketch than a portrait (and not sure the format is doing it any favours.)

The smell of my
        grandmother’s kitchen… ............ not sure you need kitchen (what's it adding?)

With her
             in a polyester house dress,
        her skin as soft
               as the gown’s
                     colors were bright.
        Her salt and pepper curls
                       in gold hairpins. ......... not sure you need this either, or at least not to open with.

        Her sing-songy yodel
a jumble of
              mountain stream ramblings, ...... I don't really understand this (can't quite hear her voice in my head) but it certainly seems like the place to start.
as vivid flashes
       of her silly youth ........................................ 'silly' seems rather judgemental (how does N, the grandson/daughter, know?)
                 tumbled like
                 socks from the dryer ...................... really good
       in her mind’s eye,
not registering
               the view
                      of the backyard. ................... given what follows, it's clear she's 'not registering the view'

“Oh!”
            She’d suddenly start
                 “I must have been
                                             a million miles away”

The warm tomatoes
     paid her no mind.
They kept on ripening
          in her sunny window.




Best, Knot


.

Hi Valerie, there are many interesting aspects to this poem and some that I find slightly confusing, even after a few reads.
Good title again and some good images. I'm not so sure about the use of the white space, I don't mind it in the sense that it doesn't make it any more confusing to read, yet at the same time I can't see a purpose for it (does there need to be a reason for using white space -- whole other question I suppose). I'm rambling so I'll do a critique... 

(10-15-2024, 05:49 AM)Valerie Please Wrote:  Sage
The smell of my 
         grandmother’s kitchen…   -- I get the 'sage' title as having two meanings but for the beginning here are you saying that Grandmother's kitchen smells of sage also. It's hard to tell whether 'Sage' is the title and the first line or just the title. For me it would work as the first line also. 
and another also also, don't need the ellipsis after kitchen.

With her     -- perhaps don't need 'with'
               in a polyester house dress,
         her skin as soft -- same with 'her'
                as the gown’s 
                        colors were bright.  -- I'm finding it difficult to compare something being as soft as something else is bright. I get the extremes, but perhaps two separate similes or metaphors for her skin and gown.
         Her salt and pepper curls  -- might not need 'her' -- great image with 'salt and pepper curls' which ties in with the kitchen
                         in gold hairpins.

         Her sing-songy yodel
a jumble of
                 mountain stream ramblings,
as vivid flashes 
      of her silly youth   -- I find this section confusing although I like 'mountain stream ramblings' as an image. -- 'silly' seems at odds with the the title.
                 tumbled like
                 socks from the dryer -- yeah - Excellent image
       in her mind’s eye, -- could be seen as a cliche line
not registering 
                  the view 
                          of the backyard.

“Oh!” 
            She’d suddenly start
                  “I must have been
                                                 



                                 a million miles away” -- white space separation has a reason for being here, would it work better with a bigger separation

The warm tomatoes
      paid her no mind.
They kept on ripening
          in her sunny window.   -- could this be streamlined a bit? possibly something like

The warm tomatoes 
ripening
in her sunny window
paid her no mind.     -- also would they ripen 'in her sunny window' or 'on her sunny window sill' ?? It might be a British thing.

Just a few thoughts, cheers for the read.

I love the effect of your poem. Leaving the reader to decide what these sensory experiences mean to them. I struggle with grief poems because it's telling you often how to feel what symbols and places mean. When they can mean anything to anyone depending on experience. The negative space plays with the reader in a cool way. The title suggest the grandmother is the muse of thought and sensation. Awesome read. If play around with word choices "cooking or a specific food for kitchen". I think adding potentially stronger imagery alluding to more descriptors could add life as well.

Thanks for the read!

Thank you Knot . . . this started off as one thing and then it became something else and I think your critique is helpful about where I could push it. 

xo,
Val

(10-16-2024, 12:10 AM)Knot Wrote:  Hi Val.
It seems a tad unfocused, to me. Appearing like a sock from a dryer (fabulous image) and then disappearing aging. Feels more like a quick sketch than a portrait (and not sure the format is doing it any favours.)

The smell of my
        grandmother’s kitchen… ............ not sure you need kitchen (what's it adding?)

With her
             in a polyester house dress,
        her skin as soft
               as the gown’s
                     colors were bright.
        Her salt and pepper curls
                       in gold hairpins. ......... not sure you need this either, or at least not to open with.

        Her sing-songy yodel
a jumble of
              mountain stream ramblings, ...... I don't really understand this (can't quite hear her voice in my head) but it certainly seems like the place to start.
as vivid flashes
       of her silly youth ........................................ 'silly' seems rather judgemental (how does N, the grandson/daughter, know?)
                 tumbled like
                 socks from the dryer ...................... really good
       in her mind’s eye,
not registering
               the view
                      of the backyard. ................... given what follows, it's clear she's 'not registering the view'

“Oh!”
            She’d suddenly start
                 “I must have been
                                             a million miles away”

The warm tomatoes
     paid her no mind.
They kept on ripening
          in her sunny window.




Best, Knot


.

Magpie,

I'm just glad a British person knows not to put tomatoes in the refrigerator.

Thanks for the read and the feedback, it's helpful. It hit me last night that I shouldn't be comparing her skin to her house dress at all . . . I should be comparing it to a lemon pound cake.

We'll see how the socks fall out of the dryer.

xo,
Val

(10-16-2024, 03:57 AM)Magpie Wrote:  Hi Valerie, there are many interesting aspects to this poem and some that I find slightly confusing, even after a few reads.
Good title again and some good images. I'm not so sure about the use of the white space, I don't mind it in the sense that it doesn't make it any more confusing to read, yet at the same time I can't see a purpose for it (does there need to be a reason for using white space -- whole other question I suppose). I'm rambling so I'll do a critique... 

(10-15-2024, 05:49 AM)Valerie Please Wrote:  Sage
The smell of my 
         grandmother’s kitchen…   -- I get the 'sage' title as having two meanings but for the beginning here are you saying that Grandmother's kitchen smells of sage also. It's hard to tell whether 'Sage' is the title and the first line or just the title. For me it would work as the first line also. 
and another also also, don't need the ellipsis after kitchen.

With her     -- perhaps don't need 'with'
               in a polyester house dress,
         her skin as soft -- same with 'her'
                as the gown’s 
                        colors were bright.  -- I'm finding it difficult to compare something being as soft as something else is bright. I get the extremes, but perhaps two separate similes or metaphors for her skin and gown.
         Her salt and pepper curls  -- might not need 'her' -- great image with 'salt and pepper curls' which ties in with the kitchen
                         in gold hairpins.

         Her sing-songy yodel
a jumble of
                 mountain stream ramblings,
as vivid flashes 
      of her silly youth   -- I find this section confusing although I like 'mountain stream ramblings' as an image. -- 'silly' seems at odds with the the title.
                 tumbled like
                 socks from the dryer -- yeah - Excellent image
       in her mind’s eye, -- could be seen as a cliche line
not registering 
                  the view 
                          of the backyard.

“Oh!” 
            She’d suddenly start
                  “I must have been
                                                 



                                 a million miles away” -- white space separation has a reason for being here, would it work better with a bigger separation

The warm tomatoes
      paid her no mind.
They kept on ripening
          in her sunny window.   -- could this be streamlined a bit? possibly something like

The warm tomatoes 
ripening
in her sunny window
paid her no mind.     -- also would they ripen 'in her sunny window' or 'on her sunny window sill' ?? It might be a British thing.

Just a few thoughts, cheers for the read.

(10-15-2024, 05:49 AM)Valerie Please Wrote:  Sage
The smell of my 
         grandmother’s kitchen…

With her 
               in a polyester house dress,
         her skin as soft  do you need this 'her'?
                as the gown’s 
                        colors were bright.
         Her salt and pepper curls salt and pepper could be considered cliche, but it works here I think with the kitchen, sage, etc - used well.
                         in gold hairpins.

         Her sing-songy yodel I don't know if you need the 'sing-songy' descriptor, I've never heard a yodel that isn't sing-songy.
a jumble of
                 mountain stream ramblings,
as vivid flashes 
      of her silly youth don't know if this 'her' is necessary either.
                 tumbled like
                 socks from the dryer
       in her mind’s eye, 
not registering 
                  the view 
                          of the backyard. I like the way you show she is somewhere else, by showing she is not here.

“Oh!” 
            She’d suddenly start
                  “I must have been
                                                 a million miles away”

The warm tomatoes
      paid her no mind.
They kept on ripening
          in her sunny window. This is a lovely ending.

I enjoyed the poem, hopefully some of my thoughts are helpful.

I really love this! but the formatting really threw me off, and it took me out of the actual words which is the most important part. I was too focused on trying to follow the visual of it.

I don’t know what the purpose was for the zigzaggy layout, maybe to give an impression of your grandmother’s state of mind, maybe as a reflection of her flashes like the socks tumbling in the dryer. I felt like it interrupted the flow of the narrative.

I thought your initial descriptions of your grandmother could have been tightened up a bit, maybe something like “…in a polyester house dress covering skin as soft as the dress was bright, salt and pepper curls in gold hairpins.” Do away with a the repetitive “hers”. You’d be using “dress” twice but a dress and a gown are not really the same thing. Gown, when you consider the downhome kitchen environment, doesn’t really seem to fit.

I thought the next section was an excellent description of someone getting lost in thought. The use of the tumbling socks was inspired.

I really got the sense of someone woolgathering in your poem. I’ve been there, done that, and came back to the present just as she did.
All around, a good poem, that just needed to be tightened up in spots in my opinion.