*TW - Slight reverences to; Self-harm, Addiction*

I just finished this piece today and was hoping to get some feedback on it. My inspiration for writing it was two fold; the fear of getting hurt by someone, thus not even trying to find love in a romantic relationship. As well as, the self-destructive behaviors that we can sometimes fall into while in the midst of depression, addiction, anxiety, etc. which in-turn prevent us from being able to form/maintain romantic relationships in our lives, even though we might long for them. Thanks for checking it out, I'd love to hear what you think.

I chased a light, through the broken
Skies, full of my darkest shades
My wrists, a map of that which I
Lost, mistakes emptily made

Each path taken, draped with fog
Blurring the lines I never drew
Between who I hoped to be
And the girl, whom I never knew

Standing there, love, like an open door
While I was occupied, chasing highs
Too busy nursing, numbing my pain
To see the intentions in her eyes

I burnt down all her bridges, thought
It would finally set me free
That freedom, just a barrier
Keeping her far away from me

I longed for love, or so I thought
Though, what I craved was much, much more
Anything to fill this void, in
Me, where false promises fell short

Depression held my trembling hands, the
Puppet master, pulling my strings
Each time she called my name, I was
Busy, with self-destructive things

Too hollow when she reached for me
Too numb to feel that she was there
Too far down in my own spiral
To know she genuinely cared

Feared getting hurt, and still do now
I might break before I heal, if
I keep pushing any love away
My heart will be forever sealed

Although I wished for love's embrace
I chose safety, not risking pain
I am vacant, I am void, yes
This is my fault, I am to blame

Now all that's left, are the ghosts of
Love, it's hands, which I've never known
Traded it all for nothing, now
In the night I shiver, so cold

(09-29-2024, 10:06 AM)alexhenning Wrote:  *TW - Slight reverences to; Self-harm, Addiction*

I just finished this piece today and was hoping to get some feedback on it. My inspiration for writing it was two fold; the fear of getting hurt by someone, thus not even trying to find love in a romantic relationship. As well as, the self-destructive behaviors that we can sometimes fall into while in the midst of depression, addiction, anxiety, etc. which in-turn prevent us from being able to form/maintain romantic relationships in our lives, even though we might long for them. Thanks for checking it out, I'd love to hear what you think.

I chased a light, through the broken
Skies, full of my darkest shades
My wrists, a map of that which I
Lost, mistakes emptily made ////love the imagery. I'd suggest breaking up these stanzas into sentences to help the reader with punctuation.

Each path taken, draped with fog
Blurring the lines I never drew
Between who I hoped to be
And the girl, whom I never knew. Maybe trade "with for and" state what you are regretting without shame. This girl still exists the narrator wishes they were present to have a relationship with them.

Standing there, love, like an open door 
While I was occupied, chasing highs
Too busy nursing, numbing my pain id get rid of the too throughout the poem 
To see the intentions in her eyes

I burnt down all her bridges, thought

just a suggestion but too many proper nouns like "I" and "Her" distract. 
Ex:
Thoughts of burning bridges
finally setting me free.
Freedom though is ignorance.
Keeping her from me.


It would finally set me free
That freedom, just a barrier
Keeping her far away from me

I longed for love, or so I thought
Though, what I craved was much, much more
Anything to fill this void, in
Me, where false promises fell short

Depression held my trembling hands, the
Puppet master, pulling my strings
Each time she called my name, I was
Busy, with self-destructive things

Too hollow when she reached for me I think this would bee stronger and direct without the "too"
Too numb to feel that she was there
Too far down in my own spiral
To know she genuinely cared

Feared getting hurt, and still do now
I might break before I heal, if
I keep pushing any love away
My heart will be forever sealed

Although I wished for love's embrace
I chose safety, not risking pain
I am vacant, I am void, yes
This is my fault, I am to blame

Now all that's left, are the ghosts of
Love, it's hands, which I've never known
Traded it all for nothing, now
In the night I shiver, so cold

I have a few examples for tightening up the poem, to make the poem more universal to a reader. I absolutely love your flow, and theme. I realte to all of it and benefitted from the read. 

Basically all the proper "I" and "She's" could spell it out too much adding needless wordiness where your flow is so strong it doesn't need the extra clarity.

The depression stanza is so good very relatable. I read it as 

Depression is not my lover,
puppeteer against thee.
She calls as sadness stings,
there is no love puppets see.

Overall though love this and has the makings of an excellent poem.love your imagery symbolism and style

(09-29-2024, 11:23 AM)Bunx Wrote:  

(09-29-2024, 10:06 AM)alexhenning Wrote:  *TW - Slight reverences to; Self-harm, Addiction*

I just finished this piece today and was hoping to get some feedback on it. My inspiration for writing it was two fold; the fear of getting hurt by someone, thus not even trying to find love in a romantic relationship. As well as, the self-destructive behaviors that we can sometimes fall into while in the midst of depression, addiction, anxiety, etc. which in-turn prevent us from being able to form/maintain romantic relationships in our lives, even though we might long for them. Thanks for checking it out, I'd love to hear what you think.

I chased a light, through the broken
Skies, full of my darkest shades
My wrists, a map of that which I
Lost, mistakes emptily made ////love the imagery. I'd suggest breaking up these stanzas into sentences to help the reader with punctuation.

Each path taken, draped with fog
Blurring the lines I never drew
Between who I hoped to be
And the girl, whom I never knew. Maybe trade "with for and" state what you are regretting without shame. This girl still exists the narrator wishes they were present to have a relationship with them.

Standing there, love, like an open door 
While I was occupied, chasing highs
Too busy nursing, numbing my pain id get rid of the too throughout the poem 
To see the intentions in her eyes

I burnt down all her bridges, thought

just a suggestion but too many proper nouns like "I" and "Her" distract. 
Ex:
Thoughts of burning bridges
finally setting me free.
Freedom though is ignorance.
Keeping her from me.


It would finally set me free
That freedom, just a barrier
Keeping her far away from me

I longed for love, or so I thought
Though, what I craved was much, much more
Anything to fill this void, in
Me, where false promises fell short

Depression held my trembling hands, the
Puppet master, pulling my strings
Each time she called my name, I was
Busy, with self-destructive things

Too hollow when she reached for me I think this would bee stronger and direct without the "too"
Too numb to feel that she was there
Too far down in my own spiral
To know she genuinely cared

Feared getting hurt, and still do now
I might break before I heal, if
I keep pushing any love away
My heart will be forever sealed

Although I wished for love's embrace
I chose safety, not risking pain
I am vacant, I am void, yes
This is my fault, I am to blame

Now all that's left, are the ghosts of
Love, it's hands, which I've never known
Traded it all for nothing, now
In the night I shiver, so cold

I have a few examples for tightening up the poem, to make the poem more universal to a reader. I absolutely love your flow, and theme. I realte to all of it and benefitted from the read. 

Basically all the proper "I" and "She's" could spell it out too much adding needless wordiness where your flow is so strong it doesn't need the extra clarity.

The depression stanza is so good very relatable. I read it as 

Depression is not my lover,
puppeteer against thee.
She calls as sadness stings,
there is no love puppets see.

Overall though love this and has the makings of an excellent poem.love your imagery symbolism and style

Hey, Bunx.

Thanks for the detailed thoughts and feedback, I appreciate you taking the time to respond to my work. I'm happy to hear that you enjoyed it and took a liking to my style and theme, that means a lot. I'll definitely take your critiques and run with them to improve my next draft when I write it soon.

Thanks again, Alex

Hi Alex, nice poem stylistically, I like the imagery you use. The line breaks you use sometimes seem awkward and I think that sometimes your need to stick to some kind of matching syllable count hinders this. I wrote the amount of syllables at the beginning of each line in the first few stanzas to see if there was a pattern. But I'm not really seeing a strict one that needs to be held throughout the poem

(09-29-2024, 10:06 AM)alexhenning Wrote:  *TW - Slight reverences to; Self-harm, Addiction* - typo, references (although i like the idea of reverence to...) 

8 I chased a light, through the broken
7 Skies, full of my darkest shades
8 My wrists, a map of that which I
7 Lost, mistakes emptily made

This stanza for example could be written as
I chased a light, through broken skies
full of my darkest shades.
My wrists a map of which I lost,
mistakes emptily made.

It's still definitely your stanza just with different line breaks and punctuation. I really like the line of wrists being a map, it's a striking image.
I think that punctuation would help a lot in your poem. Also, the capitalisation of each line can be a bit distracting from a smooth read.

7 Each path taken, draped with fog
8 Blurring the lines I never drew
7 Between who I hoped to be
8 And the girl, whom I never knew

9 Standing there, love, like an open door
9 While I was occupied, chasing highs
9 Too busy nursing, numbing my pain
9 To see the intentions in her eyes

8 I burnt down all her bridges, thought
8 It would finally set me free
8 That freedom, just a barrier
8 Keeping her far away from me

8 I longed for love, or so I thought
8 Though, what I craved was much, much more
8 Anything to fill this void, in
8 Me, where false promises fell short

9 Depression held my trembling hands, the
8 Puppet master, pulling my strings
8 Each time she called my name, I was
8 Busy, with self-destructive things

Too hollow when she reached for me
Too numb to feel that she was there
Too far down in my own spiral
To know she genuinely cared

Feared getting hurt, and still do now
I might break before I heal, if
I keep pushing any love away
My heart will be forever sealed

Although I wished for love's embrace
I chose safety, not risking pain
I am vacant, I am void, yes
This is my fault, I am to blame

Now all that's left, are the ghosts of
Love, it's hands, which I've never known
Traded it all for nothing, now
In the night I shiver, so cold

Just a couple of ideas, more about structure than actual imagery.
Cheers,
Magpie

(09-29-2024, 06:51 PM)Magpie Wrote:  Hi Alex, nice poem stylistically, I like the imagery you use. The line breaks you use sometimes seem awkward and I think that sometimes your need to stick to some kind of matching syllable count hinders this. I wrote the amount of syllables at the beginning of each line in the first few stanzas to see if there was a pattern. But I'm not really seeing a strict one that needs to be held throughout the poem

(09-29-2024, 10:06 AM)alexhenning Wrote:  *TW - Slight reverences to; Self-harm, Addiction* - typo, references (although i like the idea of reverence to...) 

8 I chased a light, through the broken
7 Skies, full of my darkest shades
8 My wrists, a map of that which I
7 Lost, mistakes emptily made

This stanza for example could be written as
I chased a light, through broken skies
full of my darkest shades.
My wrists a map of which I lost,
mistakes emptily made.

It's still definitely your stanza just with different line breaks and punctuation. I really like the line of wrists being a map, it's a striking image.
I think that punctuation would help a lot in your poem. Also, the capitalisation of each line can be a bit distracting from a smooth read.

7 Each path taken, draped with fog
8 Blurring the lines I never drew
7 Between who I hoped to be
8 And the girl, whom I never knew

9 Standing there, love, like an open door
9 While I was occupied, chasing highs
9 Too busy nursing, numbing my pain
9 To see the intentions in her eyes

8 I burnt down all her bridges, thought
8 It would finally set me free
8 That freedom, just a barrier
8 Keeping her far away from me

8 I longed for love, or so I thought
8 Though, what I craved was much, much more
8 Anything to fill this void, in
8 Me, where false promises fell short

9 Depression held my trembling hands, the
8 Puppet master, pulling my strings
8 Each time she called my name, I was
8 Busy, with self-destructive things

Too hollow when she reached for me
Too numb to feel that she was there
Too far down in my own spiral
To know she genuinely cared

Feared getting hurt, and still do now
I might break before I heal, if
I keep pushing any love away
My heart will be forever sealed

Although I wished for love's embrace
I chose safety, not risking pain
I am vacant, I am void, yes
This is my fault, I am to blame

Now all that's left, are the ghosts of
Love, it's hands, which I've never known
Traded it all for nothing, now
In the night I shiver, so cold

Just a couple of ideas, more about structure than actual imagery.
Cheers,
Magpie

Hey, Magpie.

I appreciate the feedback, my friend. I'm going to do my best to improve the capitalization of some of the first lines in a few of the stanzas for my next draft, hopefully that will improve the readability and make it flow a bit smoother. I've never really adhered to a metrical or syllabic system, but it is something that I'm starting to experiment with, to improve my pieces and layer them with more depth.

Thanks again,
Alex