Milk & Honey

I shudder at the thought of him,
hungry for the fat of the land
but only served a bowl of dust.

I recall him under thin shade, fumbling
after periscope snakes in the creek.
A snake bit him, he shrieked like a child,

only receiving a pinhole wound;
unlike the gaping crater
that formed his vacant world.

I blamed the well he sprang from, in vain.
The well had since dried to a husk, like the
brittle chaff that sprinkled through his fingertips.

I should have never let him out of my sight.
We lost it all when he couldn’t let go,
his vise-like grip latched on supple velvet.

Before the end, I recall his crooked smile,
succoring my tattered soul, cool as the
coffee-tinted madrone trunk.

I still hear his ragged weeping, dumbfounded
as a newborn colt in a world of bright hues;
wet from the womb and bound for the slaughter.

Hi AaC

Bit of a puzzler, for me.
You've a lot of repetitions (after, wound, well, bore, recall and strike) and the language (occasionally archaic, other-times conversational) clashes rather than compliments.
Then there's the title, why isn't it 'three strikes' or 'the third strike'? And why if 'he' is in the past (I recall) is strike three 'ahead'?

crimson bank ................ not making much of an impression.

I recall him best under thin shade, ............. not sure what 'best' means here.
fumbling after periscope snakes in the creek.
After, he’d embrace the madrone trunk,
courting relief from dry heat. ......... I think the second 'after' really weakens this verse, and I'm not sure about 'courting'. Perhaps a slight change ...

I recall him best, fumbling
after periscope snakes in the creek,
embracing the madrone trunk
when the day grew too hot.
?

Strike one, for a snake that nicked him, ....... the sudden 'strike one' makes me wonder what the point of the opening verse is. It feels like you've jumped into another poem.
he shrieked and sucked imagined venom from the .... 'shrieked'? how old is he?
paper-thin wound, unlike the gaping wound
that shaped a vacant world.

He sat hungry for a taste of freedom, denied ........ I'd be tempted to use this as the beginning of the second verse. Something like ...

I recall him sitting hungry
for a taste of freedom. Blaming
the well ...

by a twist of fate. He cried out in accusation, ........ all rather melodramatic (not my taste, so take comment with a pinch of salt.)
blaming the well he sprang from; in vain.
The well had dried since then. To him,

it never bore water at all. Unto me, .............. 'unto'? Really?
the well bore but a burden. Strike two, ......... Surely 'strike two' should begin its own verse?)
from a velvet temptation in the weeds
where he strayed too far.

I recall his crooked smile, succoring
my soul as though a warming balm.
I recall his ragged weeping, dumbfounded
as a newborn colt in a world of color. ........... I can't see what contribution this verse is making to the piece. It doesn't really advance his 'character' nor the narrative/story.

Ahead lies:
Strike Three. ............ To me this feels disappointing. Where is strike three?


Best, Knot


.

Hi Knot,

Thank you so much for the detailed critique! I'm working on a new edition from it that I should be able to post here later today unless I get caught up in other stuff too much. Also, I need to actually figure out how that works because I looked last night but I was too tired to comprehend... Now I'm going to respond to your critiques and hopefully shed some light on this weird poem (I've got worse coming, just you wait haha). 

I'll start with a little explanation of what I was trying to accomplish with this poem and why it didn't work—yet.

I based this one off of Of Mice and Men by Steinbeck a little bit, so that's why "he" acts like a small child.

Okay, I'll try to explain my thought process as I go along through your actual comments.

The title
Yes, the title is bad. It's supposed to represent an outcome of the end of the book, but I don't want to spoil that in case you haven't read it. It didn't come out exactly as I'd hoped, although the earlier titles were somehow much worse. As it stands, I like your suggestions to change the title to represent the three strikes somehow. I haven't decided on exactly what I'm going with for the next edit yet, but something along those lines.

not sure what 'best' means here. I guess I meant it as "most clearly" as well as sort of "fondly", if that makes sense? 

I think the second 'after' really weakens this verse, and I'm not sure about 'courting'. Perhaps a slight change ... Yes, I agree. In the edition that I'm workshopping now, I'm cutting out the entirety of the third and fourth lines because they don't add anything other than vapid imagery.

the sudden 'strike one' makes me wonder what the point of the opening verse is. It feels like you've jumped into another poem. Yeah, I can see how that might be jarring. I still want to open with something similar to the first two lines just to kind of set the stage, but I'm going to drastically decrease the size of the opening verse and switch to couplets for the entire poem so the strikes can have their own verses. 

shrieked? I'm going to keep that. The character that the character in the poem is based off of reacts to painful or confusing situations by crying.

I'd be tempted to use this as the beginning of the second verse. Something like ...
This is the couplet that replaces that section in my current half-finished edit:
I recall how he sat hungry for a taste of freedom, 
denied by a pile of dust.

I liked your suggestion to reuse "I recall", and I decided to change the cliched "twist of fate" to the more specific "pile of dust". The pile of dust refers to the Dust Bowl, the cause of the Great Depression. 

all rather melodramatic (not my taste, so take comment with a pinch of salt.) I agree, it's quite a bit over the top. I've toned down the melodrama quite a bit and cut some lines around here. You'll see exactly how when I post the edited version, after I figure that out.

Surely 'strike two' should begin its own verse?) It does now! Also "unto" is gone, in addition to most of the verse it was in. It was criminally corny.

I can't see what contribution this verse is making to the piece. It doesn't really advance his 'character' nor the narrative/story. I can see that, but it feels necessary to the idea I have in mind. The issue is that I keep jumping around with different time frames. I think the speaker is sort of building up to maximum nostalgia before the dam bursts ie Strike Three. I can explain that thought process more if you'd like

Okay. That was a lot of typing. Hopefully I cleared some things up, you certainly did for me. I'll have a version 2 out fairly soon, I might wait to see if anyone else points out anything new before I post it, though.

Quick edit: I think a big issue with this poem was my attempt to ape the insipid, overly cryptic free verse that I was seeing in small lit mags I wanted to be published in. Would it be a good idea to try to add a more direct reference to OMAM? That way the poem might feel less meaningless and a little more focused.

Also I removed a lot of my explanations because I missed the bit where I'm not supposed to do that unless asked. Sorry! I'm still figuring everything out. 

Regards,

ArmadillosareCool 

This is becoming a cumbersome handle, maybe I'll begin to abbr. it like you do.

Hi (insert abbr. here)













































.

Knot!

You fount of wisdom, you. Thank you for helping me to further my rework!

Here's what I'm thinkin' based on what you've just said.

Ah, so is there a reason 'Lennie' isn't the title? (Too much of a giveaway, perhaps?)
Yes, I just figured its better not to give too much away. As for title revisions, I might consider the inclusion of the phrase "fatta' the land" because its a significant phrase in the book and also is relevant to the poem.

That's what I assumed, but it seemed an odd thing to stumble over. I wondered if 'often' might serve.
I'll try it out, but I feel like I'm going to rework that opening line a tad bit more so we'll see.

I liked the madrone tree image (a new species to me.) Is the 'hugging' something from the book? If so maybe it should stay.
The hugging specifically isn't, it just seemed like something Lennie might do. Also, madrone trees have cold bark due to water storage (hence why they are sometimes referred to as 'refrigerator trees'), so I feel like that adds a sensory element? I might find a way to work it back in, because I think madrones are neat and it fits.

Just a thought, but maybe switch the order
Hmm. Maybe. I think, however, that I might just get rid of the "strikes" altogether like you suggest later because they are kind of arbitrary and just disrupt the flow a bit.

In which case, could you not risk "bowl of dust"
That was my initial consideration, I like it but I wonder if it's too blatant.

Like I say, haven't read the book, but I'm curious if it is Lennie, or the narrator who wants 'freedom'?
Both, I guess. Lennie's desires are more simple, but both George and Lennie want freedom from a life as poorly paid migrant workers and want to "live off the fatta' the land". 

Would it be petty to cheer?
I'll allow it.

Bit of a risk, isn't it, for people who know the book?
How do you mean?



The perhaps you need more textures in the poem? Describe what the snakes feel like in the hand, and the bark of the tree. (Isn't that reference to 'colour' with the foal a bit misleading then, should the world be more ... tactile than visual?)
I agree that more textures would be a good idea, but I don't think the world necessarily needs to be solely tactile. Especially since the idea I'm trying to convey with that line is how Lennie is naive and overwhelmed with the world around him. The colt doesn't necessarily represent his precise experience, but a similar experience.

You've lost me here; what is prior to what? (Never mind, I'll wait for the revision.)
 I think this part of my response fell victim to my hasty editing out of oversharing what I thought my poem meant once I realized that wasn't a best practice. I don't know what I'm saying there either. To clarify, the event I refer to as the second strike happened before the actual story told in the book. In the book it's a flashback/memory.

Bit convoluted (which ain't necessarily bad, but) do you actually need the phrase(s) strike one, etc? I think ending on the 'world of colour' (or whatever you replace colour with) would make for a much stronger ending.
Hmm, I think that's a good point. I'll mess around with that. Like I mentioned earlier, I think it's a good idea to axe the strikes.


Thank you so much, I'm going to work very hard on this edit now (and maybe check out the NaPM prompts even though I'm burnt out a bit).


All the best,

aac

eh? nice and streamlined, three easy letters, and no caps.

Hi aac

Knot,

I see your point about overemphasizing the snakes early on. The reason why I did so much with the snakes is that in the opening pages Steinbeck is describing the creek and includes the description that goes something along the lines of "water snakes with necks like periscopes". That description is used several times throughout the novella whenever that area is revisited, and it stood out to me. I like the imagery it provides and kind of let my imagination run as far as creating an interaction between Lennie and the snakes. So far in my revision, I've restructured the narrative to make the snake thing come in a bit later and be more of a background image.

Anyway, the edit is out now. Tear it apart. I'm keeping the bad title for the time being just because I'm conflicted over a replacement right now.

Am I meant to give feedback on another post when I do a revision? If so, I'll get right on that.

Thanks a ton,

aac 

(I'll go with ack! for the pronunciation, like choking on a cracker)

P.S. this is kind of off-topic, sorry, but I literally just got one of my other poems accepted by Eunoia Review and I am freaking out right now!! Hence the gross use of "literally"

(04-27-2024, 01:46 PM)armadillosarecool Wrote:  crimson bank (bad title placeholder for now)

I shudder at the thought of him
sitting hungry for the fatta’ the land,
and only served a bowl of dust.

I recall, fondly, as he fumbled
after periscope snakes in the creek.
A snake bit him and he shrieked.

He received a pinhole wound,
unlike the gaping crater
that formed his vacant world.

We lost it all when he handled
a velvet temptation in the weeds,
should’ve never let him out of my sight.

I blamed the well he sprang from, in vain.
The well had since dried. A husk
like the chaff, sprinkled through his fingertips.

With finality, I recall his crooked smile,
succoring my soul like a balm; cool as the
coffee-tinted trunk of the madrone.

I recall his ragged weeping, dumbfounded
as a newborn colt in a world of bright hues.
An innocent colt bound for slaughter.

Hi,

Coming in late, but I've no edits to suggest (just an opinion about the title).  First off, I read the poem once, then skimmed the original.  Also skimmed the conversations with Knot.  You came a long way with your edits.  As I said, I've nothing to pick on.

The title:  I wouldn't use Lennie, unless it's really important to you that people see the connection to Of Mice and Men.  Crimson bank is striking, but not really explained in the poem.  Just my 2 cents.  (I also haven't read OM&M, but it's a fine poem without knowing the connection.)

Enjoyed the read.  Congrats on the publication 

TqB

Hi TqB,

Thanks for the kind words and title advice. I agree on not using Lennie in the title, as I feel that it would be too obvious and not fit well with the poem.

I was thinking maybe "Fat of the Land" or "The Fat of the Land" because that's an important thing in the book that's also present in the poem.

The idea behind "Crimson Bank" as a title was essentially (book spoiler if you care; also some violence)


I don't have any other concrete ideas that come to mind at the moment, although I'm thinking of titles related to the Dust Bowl/Great Depression, maybe one that comments on some aspect(s) of Lennie's character (ie his mental disability and great strength in some way), or something that refers to his innocence and the tragedy of his story?

What do you think? I'm just brainstorming at this point, titles are always the thing I struggle with the most...

Also, I edited a few of my word choices in the poem that didn't age well, hence the version (1.25).

Thank you for your comments,

aac

(04-28-2024, 07:46 AM)armadillosarecool Wrote:  Hi TqB,

Thanks for the kind words and title advice. I agree on not using Lennie in the title, as I feel that it would be too obvious and not fit well with the poem.

I was thinking maybe "Fat of the Land" or "The Fat of the Land" because that's an important thing in the book that's also present in the poem.

The idea behind "Crimson Bank" as a title was essentially (book spoiler if you care; also some violence)

At the end of the book, Lennie accidentally kills an important person's wife because he doesn't understand how fragile people are. He's forced to flee as people from the ranch that he and George are working on come after him to torture and/or kill him (led by a main antagonist who's pretty awful). George finds him first and decides that, rather than let Lennie suffer at the hands of the others, he's going to kill Lennie as humanely as he can. He has Lennie look toward the land they were going to buy and start a new life on, then shoots Lennie in the back of the head while they are sitting down beside the creek (which is where the book began). The crimson bank would be obviously referring to the blood from the dying Lennie staining the riverbank.

I don't have any other concrete ideas that come to mind at the moment, although I'm thinking of titles related to the Dust Bowl/Great Depression, maybe one that comments on some aspect(s) of Lennie's character (ie his mental disability and great strength in some way), or something that refers to his innocence and the tragedy of his story?

What do you think? I'm just brainstorming at this point, titles are always the thing I struggle with the most...

Also, I edited a few of my word choices in the poem that didn't age well, hence the version (1.25).

Thank you for your comments,

aac

Reading your reply I was struck by the phrase "Beside the Creek" as a possible title.  The creek is mentioned in the poem, in passing.

TqB

Hello again TqB,

Hmmm. "Beside the Creek" has a nice ring to it, but I feel like it might not be relevant enough to the entire poem. Certainly the speaker is thinking of his time "beside the creek" through much of the poem, but there's a lot of other stuff going on that I don't think quite connects. 

Something along those lines will join my considerations, but I'm still inclined toward something about the "fat of the land". The only reason I'm hung up on that particular idea is that the bitterness and regret in the poem is expressed towards the unfortunate loss of their opportunity to have self-sufficiency and "live off the fat of the land". At the same time, I don't love the idea of using the same words in my title that I use in the first couplet. 

How about similar ideas: "milk and honey" or maybe something like "the promised land"? Now I'm on kind of a biblical bent with these titles because it fits Steinbeck's writing and the story of OM&M specifically.

Sample titles, more conceptual than anything at the moment:

"Milk & Honey" Too plain and simple? Maybe that's not a bad thing.
"Lost Milk & Honey" maybe a little too blatant and awkward
"Wandering in Wilderness" probably too trite
"A Promised Land" eh?
"Milk and Honey 2: Revenge of the Cow" yes

Do any of these sound good?

best, 
aac

I shudder at the thought of him
sitting hungry for the fatta’ the land,
but only served a bowl of dust.




Him, ends on that note, of as if him is so important
and he is, since he's slanga real
and only gets a but




I recall him, fondly, under thin shade,
fumbling after periscope snakes in the creek.
A snake bit him and he shrieked.

He received a pinhole wound,
unlike the gaping crater
that formed his vacant world.


This part is a whole Whole delivery
A spontaneous use of gag-meter.
The pinhole wound against a gaping crater is topnotch.
"that formed his vacant world" is almost weak, but you actually make it happen, here. Good work.  



We lost it all when he handled

the We/he is well slipped in here

a velvet temptation in the weeds,

sounds trite and nonsensical, and is

should’ve never let him out of my sight.


I'm not reading the poem in context right now. I might do that later. 


I blamed the well he sprang from, in vain.
The well had since dried. A husk,
like brittle chaff sprinkled through his fingertips.


The sonics work. 'Well' and 'vain' work.
"Sprang" and all that.
OK, like I'm that girl, Charismatic Voice talking sound, I'm talking sonic riffs and thought, husk, brittle, chaff
and through the fingertips is like through hard -- separations -- of life.





Before the end, I recall his crooked smile,

This is obviously  a creepypasta confessional joke


succoring my soul like a balm cool as the
coffee-tinted madrone trunk.


blip

I recall his ragged weeping, dumbfounded

That's a creepytrope

as a newborn colt in a world of bright hues.
An innocent colt bound for slaughter.


I'd cut colt out of one line, but the repeat works.

Him, ends on that note, of as if him is so important
and he is, since he's slanga real
and only gets a but

I think I understand.


This part is a whole Whole delivery
A spontaneous use of gag-meter.
The pinhole wound against a gaping crater is topnotch.
"that formed his vacant world" is almost weak, but you actually make it happen, here. Good work.  

Thanks. I presume "almost weak" is good enough to stay.


the We/he is well slipped in here

Thanks.


sounds trite and nonsensical, and is

Yeah, I should have worded some of it better. The idea that I want is there but it sounds a bit corny. I'll work on it. Context helps this one a bit, too.


I'm not reading the poem in context right now. I might do that later. 
That may help with some of that stuff.



The sonics work. 'Well' and 'vain' work.
"Sprang" and all that.
OK, like I'm that girl, Charismatic Voice talking sound, I'm talking sonic riffs and thought, husk, brittle, chaff
and through the fingertips is like through hard -- separations -- of life.

Didn't expect to see Charismatic Voice make an appearance. Glad the sonics seemed to have checked out. I love Gerard Manley Hopkins' stuff, so I like to mess with stresses and vocal sound effects like he's famous for. The Windhover is a fantastic poem.




Before the end, I recall his crooked smile,

This is obviously  a creepypasta confessional joke

Obviously.




I'd cut colt out of one line, but the repeat works.

I've considered it, but the repetition has grown on me and I can't think of anything that I like better.


Thanks for the feedback, hopefully I'm awake enough to be responding to it.

aac

Hi ack!

















.

Hi Knot,

Really appreciate your continued feedback, I like a lot of the things you mentioned. See what you think of the new edit 2, made with consideration to both yours and rowens' replies (grammar agh).


Wondered about 'a bowl of dust' for an alternative title, or even something like 'newborn colt'.

Hmmm. I like 'newborn colt', or something related to his child-like quality.

maybe revisit 'shudder'? What is it revealing about the narrator?

I like shudder. In the book he had to I think shudder represents kind of an involuntary reaction the speaker's body has to the more bitter memories of Lennie as they race through his brain

And 'fatta' the land' doesn't convince

Hmm, I think this is a book specific thing. It's a memorable quote from the book and also is the main motivation for the protagonists. It kind of keeps the food metaphor in the first verse as well. I did change it slightly to "fat of the land" for right now, I don't know if that'll stay.

'fondly' sets up an expectation the isn't delivered by the rest of the verse.

And thus is no more. I like that verse more without any adverb or descriptive word in that place now that you bring it to my attention.

I recall him, under thin shade
fumbling after periscope snakes
in the creek. Shrieking like a child

when they bit, but barely
drawing blood. A big kid
really, for all his strength.

I like this, I tried to use it as an influence for the reworked line. I don't know yet if I want to add a whole new verse for that idea, but see what you think of how it stands now.

where is the 'vacant world' if you cut this line?

what do you mean?

maybe start this verse with this line? Or, deep breath, cut it completely. It might be more interesting to go from the snake bite straight to 'I blame ...'

I reordered and rewrote this part a bit, you'll see in the new edit. 

what does 'in vain' add?

I thought of it as a transitory statement. Thought process: george blames "well" in vain -> why in vain? -> because the "well" has dried. Does that make sense? 

bit of a leap from well to chaff, isn't it?

Yeah, I guess. I think that's kind of the point though. I'm trying to convey a dramatic change, maybe "the well" died suddenly. Also that imagery helps with the dust bowl stuff and also sort of shows that Lennie was a farm laborer.

do you need both 'succouring' and 'balm', and perhaps 'refrigerator tree' would be a more arresting image?

I got rid of balm, I see now that it's pretty redundant. Also I like refrigerator tree, that's a good idea. 

I think this is a better end, but for the repetition of 'colt' (and 'bright'). Perhaps something like

Yeah, that's a good suggestion. I tried something similar in the new edit, see what you think.


Alrighty, let's see how it stands now.

Regards,

aac

(04-27-2024, 01:46 PM)armadillosarecool Wrote:  Milk & Honey 

I shudder at the thought of him,
sitting hungry for the fat of the land
but only served a bowl of dust.

I recall him under thin shade, fumbling
after periscope snakes in the creek.
A snake bit him, he shrieked like a child,

only receiving a pinhole wound;
unlike the gaping crater
that formed his vacant world.

I blamed the well he sprang from, in vain.
The well had since dried. A husk,
like brittle chaff sprinkled through his fingertips.

I should have never let him out of my sight.
We lost it all when he couldn’t let go,
his vise-like grip on supple locks.                 kinda miss the "velvet" line

Before the end, I recall his crooked smile,
succoring my soul, cool as the coffee
hued trunk of the refrigerator tree.              bridge too far for me, much preferred previous version

I recall his ragged weeping, dumbfounded
as a newborn colt in bright world, bound           "a" bright world; again I miss the "bright hues"
for the slaughter though wet from the womb.   like the wetness being added, beautiful line

Me again,

Just some notes on your newest version.  Mostly things I preferred in earlier version.  I like the title.  Of all the choices, I thought that the best.  Most of the changes came at the end.  Still enjoy reading it, whatever my nostalgia for previous versions.

TqB

Hi aac,
















.

TqB,

Thank you for your input. I've considered what you said and I think I may have edited some things too hastily. I'm now having second thoughts on the refrigerator tree. After further pondering, I think that madrone trunk would fit better. I think it seems more natural and also period-accurate. I mean refrigerators weren't even really a thing at the time that this poem is vaguely set in.

I also think velvet is important to the poem, as it is (to some degree) in the book. I tried to work it in with a better line. 

I'm going to reinstate hues as well, since I just really like that word and it sounds good. It fits, to me.

I think I have been overeager to edit things in this poem and not willing enough to argue for why certain things should be able to stay.

Thanks,

aac

---

Hi Knot,

I have a slightly newer edit out at this time, considering both your input and TqB's.

Sure, but does it fit with the memory immediately described?
I feel like it does. I think the idea there is that the speaker is thinking about how Lennie's happiness and hope, essentially, was ripped away. I think it's shudder worthy.

Feels a bit obvious, and redundant after 'Milk and Honey'.

Yes, and I know rabbits are also important to Lennie, but the fat of the land is a constantly recurring phrase and idea in OM&M. I think it fits best, so I believe it should stay. 

You tell me his world is vacant, but where (in the poem, not the book) are the examples? And does it matter? The poem is about what the narrator remembers, it's their version of events (it isn't really a character study of Lennie, is it?) 

I think it fits, especially because George is the speaker. George thought of Lennie as really stupid and often disparaged him for it when they got into trouble. He still cared for him deeply underneath that exterior, but I think "vacant world" is consistent for how George perceives Lennie's understanding of the world around him.

I think you could get there more smoothly (developing the migrant labourer theme)
I like that verse you created, and I would use it if I weren't so concerned with it being largely my own work. I also like some of the descriptive language I used, but I agree with the issue on flow. I tried to improve the flow a bit, see what you think.

Refrigerator tree
I keep flip-flopping on this, but based on TqB's feedback I've been lured back to madrone trunk. It just feels more natural to me and preserves the bucolic and in-line with nature imagery that I try to have consistently throughout the poem.


I agree that ending on slaughter is stronger. I think that I'm going to re-add some of the stuff I edited out but try to make it more coherent.

I think I'm getting to a place where I'm happy with how this poem is.

Thank you,

aac

# crimson bank

Milk & Honey

I shudder at the thought of him,
hungry for the fat of the land
but only served a bowl of dust.

I recall him under thin shade, fumbling
after periscope snakes in the creek.
A snake bit him, he shrieked like a child,

only receiving a pinhole wound;
unlike the gaping crater
that formed his vacant world.

I blamed the well he sprang from, in vain.
The well had since dried to a husk, like the
brittle chaff that sprinkled through his fingertips.

I should have never let him out of my sight.
We lost it all when he couldn’t let go,
his vise-like grip latched on supple velvet.

Before the end, I recall his crooked smile,
succoring my tattered soul, cool as the
coffee-tinted madrone trunk.

I still hear his ragged weeping, dumbfounded
as a newborn colt in a world of bright hues;
wet from the womb and bound for the slaughter.

——————

You have three images: the snake, the madrone, and the infant calf. This is a snake eating its own
tail swallowing a newborn calf and there’s an idiot chasing the snake around and

*I feel like the idiot.*

No one knows what a madrone is. It’s a weird tree. Most frequently, it’s planted as the strawberry fruit tree. It yields bitter honey and fruit so high in sugar that it ferments to alcohol in the wild and gets animals, like bears, drunk: see the flag of the city of Madrid.

I know that because I like weird plants. When you use the word “madrone” in a poem, you’re forcing other people to go look up a weird plant.

Fine. But there’s no payoff.

You can use that as your central image and educate your reader, or else don’t use the word madrone.

You also have a periscopic snake. You can talk about serperines or other nontoxic nonthreatening snakes that have a loch-ness profile and educate your audience about how they’re benign.

You can talk about velvet and how it naturally occurs on the horns of young animals and how anacondas wait behind calving does to eat their infants.

What you can’t do is throw all that scientific arcanum at us alongside “bowl of dust”.

I like the image of a man getting bit by a harmless snake, or a snake swallowing a velvet-horned infant, of a lizard ingesting its shed skin—it’s neato.

But you seem to be mistaking obscurity for interestingness. The interesting part is the man. Bother me about him, not the weedy scientific trivia.

What makes you shudder at the thought of him?

This poem will become fifteen or twenty poems. Pick one story, tell it.

Focus on the intense part. Find words you enjoy. Kill all the to-be verbs. See if you can’t occupy a dualism by, say, using soft words to describe something brutal.

But you can only tell one story at a time.

And for you, and not anyone else, just for you: avoid Latinate verbs. They’re a huge source of drag here. Go Germanic or go home.