I've reduced these notes to, I think, the minimum intelligible length (or slightly below)
and I've denoted: r: for ray and b: for brynmawr1 because I edit these on Google Docs
which has a half-decent voice to text function and the colors have started to run.
But despite that it's all swimming in my brain, losing whatever context it once had. That I
have two poems in my head now and have gone on to others really leaves me in the
nation-state of babel. BUT answering any warm human who's willing to spend their
precious time on this earth to answer me seems not only a moral imperative, but wise
therapy for someone who's in need of human contact. (BTW I've guessed all along that
your nickname alludes to Bryn Mawr college, not that I've assigned you a reason for
doing that as yet. But considering that the reason I use my real name is that I was
confused about which blank to put what in, I'll readily accept any reason including none.)
r: i'm changing "place" to "store" cuz prices go with stores.
b: you are forgiven. I like store or even shop.
r: forgiveness always appreciated.
b: I get it but I don't see the alliteration although I don't remember the original exactly.
r: "a catacomb of unkempt jewels" - more forgiveness is appropriate, I guess
b: I tend to like short choppy lines with unnecessary emphasis.
r: I tend to like long choppy lines with an emphasis that, on editing,
seems to have only been apparent to my former self.
r: and on the second floor I like "hand" and "and" rhyming
but mostly the 'and' makes the first line iambic to go along with the 2nd,3rd,4th lines of the stanza.
b: so pesky these rhyming and meter charades
r: I so love parts of the charade, especially the rhythm which for me is usually iambic.
I try to get around certain prejudices by disguising it. (Oh my God, it really IS a charade.)
I.e. by having internal, not end rhyme; using slant rhymes; having lines with unequal
numbers of feet; and starting a poem with a few lines having natural speech rhythm.
The idea is for the poem to sing and flow without the reader being aware of these contrivances.
But hey, we all gotta do something besides feed cats.
b: for a bit I fancied 'Nimhic' or 'Nimhian', you know, after the "Rats of Nimh"
r: I had to look that up, but when I did I actually remembered it.
Especially when I saw "NIMH" since it has significance for me and I'm also used
to looking stuff up on the NIH site.
r: and it looks like the sons and daughters are throwing the parents in the boxes
b: disagree, followed it just fine. but then I am a special rat.
r: granted.
r: That's a real world thing I like to do but this poem refuses to cooperate.
b: again, I connected the dots just fine but if you wanted to keep annotations,
how about:
my prizes are the annotations
notes of those dead
scribbled in their margins....?
r: yep, that works
r: Yes, I did find them helpful. They especially helped me re-evaluate the poem.
All sorts of problematic things here. When thought about logically, it isn't logical enough for me.
I either wish you hadn't pointed this out or I'm appreciative. So I can't figure out how to
make all that work Even though that's the better story, so I'm just going to focus on the
books and make it into a dirge/ritual chant and leave it at that since if I think about it
anymore I'll go crazy. Thanks for going to the trouble. I learned from it.
So I've re-written the poem as a chant (see above) using some of your suggestions,
but focused on just the books.
b: "Pish-posh" as Mary Poppins would say; who can argue with a sexy woman carrying a
magical hand bag? I've ignored your rewrite cause I think the original is worth tweaking around.
It's lovely. See, this is why I've come to be reluctant to offer critique. It's all taken too seriously.
r: I guess I should promise you not to take your future critiques seriously.
b: No poem, or few, are ever going to be perfect. All we can hope, realistically, is that there are
elements, turns of phrase, images, whatever, that grab the reader. And it won't be the same part
of the poem that catches each reader.
r: To paraphrase a famous quote: " A poem is never finished, you just get tired of working on it."
Yes, one of the great things about poetry is it's often ambiguous enough for readers to create
their own unique version when they read yours. I think that's one of the reasons I'm more
immune to reading poetry that others consider below par: I subconsciously rewrite it in my
head so the poem seems better to me than other people who read it. This means my
interpretations of poems are often wildly different from what was intended. Also, when reading
a poem, I give a nod to technique; but what's most important to me is what the writer is trying
to say. If they're sincere, I'm pretty much willing to forgive anything else.
b: Don't get me started on 'voice'.
r: I'm a cheater there. I consider that < title > thing I do as me having established my own unique voice;
after that, I need worry no further.
b: Rowens made an observation on a long ago post that recently resurfaced obliquely about being
reluctant to change another's writing. With anything, it is a balance; my point being there was
nothing about the poem that wasn't working.
r: I know there's some etiquette pertaining to critiques where you have to hint at the change you want,
but not actually suggest anything concrete, and, Heavens to Murgatroyd, don't rewrite the thing.
I have yet to learn how to do that properly. As far as I'm concerned, just rewrite the f'ing thing.
I'd like to see how you do it and if I like it: I'll just copy it and forget it was ever yours.
b: Now you've made me use two, if not three, semi-colons and I am way out of my comfort zone.
r: Semicolons hold no fear for me: I'm willing to whip them out willy-nilly and throw in a few colons,
dashes, n-dashes, m-dashes, and various diacritical's as well.
b: Plus, the puppy is running around like a crazy dog, the cats want to come in
r: You have both dogs and cats like me. But I probably have you beat on the number
of cats: mine being a rather numerous eight. (And only one poor dog that has to put
up with all of us. I remember the quote:
(Unattributed, as is usual for me, but at least I put quotes around it.)
"Nobody who likes dogs is all bad, with the possible exception of Hitler."
My thought, on reading this, is always: Well, I guess Hitler wasn't all bad.
b: and there's a fruit fly trying to steal my beer. Where do they come from?
r: This is true, especially for fleas:
r: Extraneous, it turns out, notes about the annotations found in old books:
And I really do go looking for books that have notes written on the margins and I really...
b: I am very nosey and like to know details about other people, not to gossip; I just like the intimacy of it.
r: My ethics, regarding this sort of thing, is that I can look at anything I want as long as I
keep it a secret to myself and do not act upon any knowledge that I've acquired.
![[Image: EpistlesOfStanhope.jpg]](http://wordbiscuit.com/im21/EpistlesOfStanhope.jpg)
