early morning apologies

the neighbors
are sleeping
they might as well be dead,
the dog is barking
it’s six a.m.

we have to choose
our battles
when it comes to ghosts.
angry spirits
will get in the way 
of dreams
at least that’s what
I tell the dog.

he doesn't listen
he needs to bark
the way 
I need to write.
though I love him
more than I love my neighbors
I realize
they are kindly
gossips
that’s their poetry
but they need their sleep.

so we retreat
into the light
to give morning back
its silence.

early morning manifesto

the neighbors
are sleeping
and might as well be dead,
but the dog is barking
and it’s barely six a.m.
I have to choose
my battles
when it comes to ghosts.
angry spirits
get in the way
though by daylight
I’ll be dead to them.
dogs need to bark
the way 
I need to write
and I love my dog
way more
than I love my neighbors.
they are kindly
gossips
that’s their poetry.
my muse
comes early 
a preemptive ambulance
to carry me
into the arms 
of a poem.

.
Hi TqB,
enjoyed the first half, and the ending (final four lines) is very pleasing, but it seems to lose it's way mid-way through.


early morning manifesto

the neighbors
are sleeping
and might as well be dead, ............. perhaps 'though' for 'and'?
but the dog is barking .................... do you need 'but'? Doesn't make much sense there.
and it’s barely six a.m. ....................you might trim this back to just 'it's six a.m.'

I have to choose ............................ maybe 'We' for 'I' here? (And 'our' for 'my')
my battles
when it comes to ghosts.
angry spirits
get in the way ............................... in the way of what? Maybe drop a hint here?
though by daylight
I’ll be dead to them. ................... wondered about flipping these last two lines.

dogs need to bark
the way
I need to write
and I love my dog
way more
than I love my neighbors.
they are kindly
gossips
that’s their poetry.
my muse
comes early ............................. too much telling for me (for this piece.) Might you simply cut it and go from 'dead' (or 'daylight) to this final verses (in a continuing sentence (adding 'when' before 'a preemptive'?)

a preemptive ambulance .............. not sure how 'ambulance' ties in to what precedes it (dogs, neighbours, ghosts, being dead.)
(comes/arrives) to carry me
into the arms of a poem.


Best, Knot


.

Hey Tim-
I love how you open this one:

the neighbors
are sleeping
and might as well be dead,

Really like this part, too:

they are kindly
gossips
that’s their poetry.

Those are my comments, here in MISC,
- Mark

my favorite part

dogs need to bark
the way
I need to write

(08-18-2023, 11:19 PM)Knot Wrote:  .
Hi TqB,
enjoyed the first half, and the ending (final four lines) is very pleasing, but it seems to lose it's way mid-way through.


early morning manifesto

the neighbors
are sleeping
and might as well be dead, ............. perhaps 'though' for 'and'?
but the dog is barking .................... do you need 'but'? Doesn't make much sense there.
and it’s barely six a.m. ....................you might trim this back to just 'it's six a.m.'

I have to choose ............................ maybe 'We' for 'I' here? (And 'our' for 'my')
my battles
when it comes to ghosts.
angry spirits
get in the way ............................... in the way of what? Maybe drop a hint here?
though by daylight
I’ll be dead to them. ................... wondered about flipping these last two lines.

dogs need to bark
the way
I need to write
and I love my dog
way more
than I love my neighbors.
they are kindly
gossips
that’s their poetry.
my muse
comes early ............................. too much telling for me (for this piece.) Might you simply cut it and go from 'dead' (or 'daylight) to this final verses (in a continuing sentence (adding 'when' before 'a preemptive'?)

a preemptive ambulance .............. not sure how 'ambulance' ties in to what precedes it (dogs, neighbours, ghosts, being dead.)
(comes/arrives) to carry me
into the arms of a poem.


Best, Knot

Thanks Knot.  Some very useful comments as usual from you.  I agree with almost all of them which is not so usual 

Anyway, thanks for the read and your time spent critiquing.

TqB

---

(08-19-2023, 03:33 AM)Mark A Becker Wrote:  Hey Tim-
I love how you open this one:

the neighbors
are sleeping
and might as well be dead,

Really like this part, too:

they are kindly
gossips
that’s their poetry.

Those are my comments, here in MISC,
- Mark

Thanks for the read and comment Mark.  Will keep this in mind as I revise.

Tim

---

(08-19-2023, 02:44 PM)Miley Wrote:  my favorite part

dogs need to bark
the way
I need to write

Miley,
Thanks for stopping by and commenting.  My favorite line too.
TqB